Episode begins with a fuzzy videotape of a man sitting in a throne surrounded by people in red hooded cloaks.
Grandmaster Karate brings the essence of "ka", "ra", and "te" together in a circular balance of the elements.
Marco and his fellow karate students watch the videotape in the dojo.
Grandmaster It is time for you to demonstrate all that you have learned about the "DUH's" of karate. Discipline. [blows out left candle] Ed-U-cation. [blows out middle candle] And most importantly, [inhales deeply, blows out right candle]
Marco Diaz [whispering, stressing the "h" sound] Honor.
Grandmaster I, Grandmaster of the "How To Karate" video series, am coming to your dojo in your town of...
Female Voiceover Echo Creek.
Grandmaster watch your top student perform. If Grandmaster deems them worthy, your dojo will be "How To"-certified!
Sensei Brantley [pauses video] This is a great honor for our dojo. With Grandmaster's certification, we won't just be a mini-mall dojo anymore. We'll be a certified mini-mall dojo! The student I will choose to represent the school will be someone who has constantly impressed me with their dedication and commitment. Someone who has contributed so much to the dojo, who really puts the "ra" in karate.
Marco [smiles]
Sensei I will let you know my decision by the end of the week.
Karate student Uh, sensei, it's Friday.
Sensei Oh. Then it's Jeremy.
Marco What?!
Jeremy [shocked gasping]
Sensei Anyway, great class today. You're all dismissed.
Jeremy [laughing] How does it feel, Marco? He actually chose an eight-year-old over you.
Scene cuts to Marco and Jeremy in the dojo showers.
Jeremy L-O-S-E-R! Marco lost to who? J-E-R-E-M-Y! That spells winner! That's me! Jeremy!
Scene cuts to a children's cartoon with a pony with a rainbow mane and a floating whale walking along a rainbow in the clouds.
Pony Yay! This is going to be the best trip yet!
Sir Acha Ready to board?
Pony You bet, Sir Acha!
Sensei watches the cartoon on his TV while eating cereal.
Pony [on TV] Let's sail away on our friend ship!
Marco enters Sensei's bedroom, turns the TV off, and places a radio on top of the TV.
Sensei Hey, little buddy. What are you doing in my room?
Marco [turns on New Age music, bows to Sensei]
Sensei [nods]
Marco Hajime. [grunting while doing karate moves]
Marco splits three stacked boards of wood in half with his foot.
Marco [deep inhale, slow exhale, bows to Sensei]
Sensei Whoa. That was amazing!
Marco So is Jeremy still your choice to represent the dojo?
Jeremy Oh, yeah, for sure. Jeremy.
Marco What?! I broke, like, three boards!
Sensei Marco, I didn't pick Jeremy because he's better at karate. I picked him because of... you know, who he is as a person.
Marco Who Jeremy is as a person is a jerk! [picks up broken pieces of wood, muttering angrily] As a person? Who do you think is a person?
Sensei Marco, listen.
Marco No, you listen! I'm ten times the person Jeremy is! You're making a huge mistake!
Marco knocks Sensei's pony figurine off a desk. It falls to the floor and breaks.
Toy Pony Let's sail away on our friend shiiiip... [winds down]
Sensei [gasps] You still have a lot to learn about honor.
Marco Fine. [leaves]
Scene cuts to Jeremy's house; Jeremy leaves the house with two butlers.
Jeremy Mom, next time you cut the crusts off, leave 'em in the bag! Just 'cause I don't want 'em on my sandwich doesn't mean I don't eat 'em later!
Mrs. Birnbaum (o.s.) I'm sorry, my little cherub!
Near the bushes, Marco records Jeremy on his phone. He puts up his hood and follows Jeremy. In the next scene, a hundred-dollar bill is on the ground covered in rainbow-colored poop.
Bearded hipster Is that...?
Jeremy [eating popcorn] That's a... hundred-dollar bill.
Hipster Really?
Jeremy Yeah. That's a Benjamin.
Hipster That's my favorite one. But it's got all that stuff on it.
Jeremy Yeah, it's a lot of stuff.
Hipster You know how many vinyls I could buy with that? Three. I'm going in. [sniffs] Ew! Why does it smell like that?
Jeremy Pretty rank, huh?
Hipster Well, maybe if I... [gags]
Jeremy I'd start with the corner.
The bearded hipster tries pulling the hundred-dollar bill off the ground from one of the corners, but it's stuck.
Hipster Man! Somebody glued this to the ground!
Jeremy Glue?
Hipster What kind of a sick joke is this?!
Jeremy Try the other corner.
The bearded hipster's glasses fall off his face and onto the poop.
Hipster My glasses. And it's my birthday! [tosses glasses away, rides away on motor scooter]
Jeremy Uh, butler, refill.
Jeremy's butler walks up and scoops more poop onto the hundred-dollar bill. Marco records this from the bushes.
Marco Shameful.
Star Butterfly [pops up in front of Marco] Hey, Marco, whatcha doing?
Marco [groans] Do you mind? I'm collecting evidence here.
Star [gasps] Oh, yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah. Sorry-sorry-sorry-sorry-sorry. [slinks back down]
Marco Keep it up, Jeremy. You're giving me everything I need.
Star appears on the tree behind Marco.
Marco Star? What are you doing?
Star I'm just helping you out at the scene of the crime, collecting evidence.
Marco Ugh. It's not really a crime scene. I'm hiding in the bushes and recording all of Jeremy's bad behavior.
Star Oh, so you're like a... like a... like a... like a creep.
Marco What? No, I'm not a creep. I've got lots of proof here, Star.
Star It's okay, Marco. Wave that creep flag.
Marco This isn't creepy! This is justice! I'm gonna show all this bad stuff to sensei, and then he'll have to change his mind about letting Jeremy represent the dojo.
Star slowly climbs the tree. Scene cuts back to the dojo; Marco enters...
Marco Huh?
...and finds it decorated with Jeremy-themed banners and a gold Jeremy statue.
Marco [growls]
Jeremy statue Hi-yah! Hi-yah! Hi-yah!
Marco [walks up to Sensei] Hey, sensei?
Sensei [hanging banners] Mr. Diaz.
Marco There's something I need to show you.
Sensei If it's those pictures of the dog playing the harmonica, I've seen them. And they're excellent.
Marco No, no, this is not that. It's about Jeremy.
Sensei Okay. What is it?
Marco I wanna show you... [looks at "Honor" banner]
Sensei Well?
Marco ...How... sorry I am. I shouldn't have overreacted the other day. You have every right to choose who you want to represent the dojo. And if you really think Jeremy is the best choice, then I can accept that.
Sensei I appreciate your apology. It shows your noble spirit. You're like a lion or a really cool bird-lion. [watch beeping] Oh, man! Grandmaster's gonna be here any minute!
Grandmaster [appears in chair behind Marco] Or... is Grandmaster already here?
Audience [gasps]
Sensei Grandmaster! [bows to Grandmaster] Thank you for coming.
Grandmaster Do not thank Grandmaster. It is by the will of karate that Grandmaster is here.
Sensei That's the coolest sentence I've ever heard.
Grandmaster Who have you chosen to represent your dojo?
Jeremy [jumps through banner] Me! Jeremy!
Audience [cheers and applads]
Mrs. Birnbaum Yay! We love you, son!
Marco [applauds angrily]
Jeremy bows to Sensei and Grandmaster. They bow in return.
Jeremy I would like to express what a huge honor it is for all of you to watch me perform. [tosses cape off] Hah!
Background singer ♪ Jeremy is awesome ♪
♪ He's the best at everything he does ♪
Jeremy [karate grunts] ...Ahem. Applause?
Audience [scattered applauding]
Background singer ♪ He's the greatest that ever was ♪
Jeremy [karate grunts] Mom! Picture!
Mrs. Birnbaum Yes, sweetie! [takes Jeremy's picture]
Audience member 1 What a jerk!
Audience member 2 I cannot stand that boy!
Audience member 3 Why'd you bring me here for our anniversary?
Jeremy beats a karate student with a yellow belt and puts his foot on his stomach.
Jeremy Hai!
Karate student [starts to move away]
Jeremy No, no. I'm not done.
Marco [growling] Okay, that's it! I'm sorry, sensei! I just can't accept this! Why did you pick Jeremy?
Sensei Because he brings so much to the dojo.
Marco So much what?!
Sensei Money, dude! His family's filthy rich. They give the dojo tons of cash. That's how I keep this place afloat. I really shouldn't be running a business.
Marco So, wait. You don't think he's a better person than me?
Sensei [scoffs] No. Of course not. He's a toilet.
Jeremy [chanting] Je-re-my! Je-re-my!
Marco Why didn't you tell me this in the first place?
Sensei [voice cracking] Because you and I are friends, and that's what friends do. They do hurtful things to each other without explaining why, because they know their friend will understand.
Marco That's not how... Wait. We're friends?
Sensei Duh. You're my dojo bro. Why else would I keep texting you to grab tacos?
Marco You don't text me.
Sensei [looks at his phone] Whose number is this then?
Marco For the record, friends are upfront with each other.
Sensei Really? I gotta stop learning life lessons from children's shows. I'm still ignorant in the ways of friendship. Perhaps you could be my friendship sensei. [bows to Marco]
Marco [bows to Sensei] I'd be honored.
Jeremy [karate grunts]
Sounds of snoring fill the dojo. Everyone turns to the Grandmaster, who is sleeping.
Grandmaster [loud snoring] --Hmm! Yes! Ha-ha! Y- uh, yes. Yes, indeed, hi-yah indeed, yes, indeed. Yes, indeed. Uh, wonderful performance. [applauding] Just wow. Wow all across the...
Jeremy But I wasn't even done.
Grandmaster Ahem! Yes, uh, Grandmaster gets the gist. Punch, punch, kick, kick. Very good, William.
Jeremy It's Jeremy.
Grandmaster This dojo has proven itself worthy of Grandmaster's certification.
Grandmaster punches the wall, leaving the words "HOW TO KARATE GRANDMASTER CERTIFIED" engraved.
Audience [cheering]
Sensei [hugs Marco]
Grandmaster The wind of karate beckons once again. Grandmaster must go.
Marco and Sensei bow to the Grandmaster. When they raise their heads, Grandmaster has disappeared.
Marco Huh? How did he do that?
Sensei Heh. Grandmaster is like the wind. He is not bound by physical constraints.
A school bus outside drives away, and Grandmaster chases after it.
Grandmaster You can't leave the Grandmaster!
Sensei hangs a picture frame around the Grandmaster's certification engraving.
Sensei Looks good.
Marco Sure does. [texts Sensei]
Sensei [looks at his phone] "Let's go grab some tacos"? Someone invited me to get tacos! You want to come, too?
Marco Sure.
Marco and Sensei leave together, leaving Jeremy alone sitting in the dojo bleachers.
Butler [walks up to Jeremy] You want to go get some ice cream?
Jeremy [shakes his head]
Butler No? You want to go glue some hundred-dollar bills to the ground?
Jeremy [nods his head]
Butler Yeah? Okay.
Jeremy's butler picks him up and carries him off-screen.
ved Star vs. the Forces of Evil Episode Transcripts
Season 1
Star Comes to EarthParty With a PonyMatch MakerSchool SpiritMonster ArmThe Other Exchange StudentCheer Up, StarQuest BuyDiaz Family VacationBrittney's PartyMewbertyPixtopiaLobster ClawsSleep SpellsBlood Moon BallFortune CookiesFreeze DayRoyal PainSt. Olga's Reform School for Wayward PrincessesMewnipendance DayThe Banagic IncidentInterdimensional Field TripMarco Grows a BeardStorm the Castle
Season 2
My New Wand!Ludo in the WildMr. Candle CaresRed BeltStar on WheelsFetchStar vs. Echo CreekWand to WandStarstruckCamping TripStarsittingOn the JobGoblin DogsBy the BookGame of FlagsGirls' Day OutSleepoverGift of the CardFriendenemiesIs MysteryHungry LarrySpider With a Top HatInto the WandPizza ThingPage TurnerNaysayaBon Bon the Birthday ClownRaid the CaveTrickstarBabyRunning with ScissorsMathmagicThe Bounce LoungeCrystal ClearThe Hard WayHeinousAll Belts are OffCollateral DamageJust FriendsFace the MusicStarcrushed
Season 3
Return to MewniMoon the UndauntedBook Be GoneMarco and the KingPuddle DefenderKing LudoToffeeScent of a HoodieRest in PuddingClub SnubbedStranger DangerDemoncismSophomore SlumpLint CatcherTrial by SquirePrincess TurdinaStarfariSweet DreamsLava Lake BeachDeath PeckPonymoniumNight LifeDeep DiveMonster BashStump DayHoliday SpellcialThe Bogbeast of BoggabahTotal Eclipsa the MoonButterfly TrapLudo, Where Art Thou?Is Another MysteryMarco Jr.Skooled!Booth BuddiesBam Ui Pati!Tough LoveDivideConquer
Season 4
Butterfly FolliesEscape from the Pie FolkMoon RemembersSwim SuitRansomgramLake House FeverYada Yada BerriesDown by the RiverThe Ponyhead Show!Surviving the SpiderbitesOut of BusinessKelly's WorldCurse of the Blood MoonPrincess Quasar Caterpillar and the Magic BellGhost of Butterfly CastleCornball!Meteora's LessonThe Knight ShiftQueen-NappedJunkin' JannaA Spell with No NameA Boy and His DC-700XEThe Monster and the QueenCornonationDoop-DoopBritta's TacosBeach DayGone Baby GoneSad Teen HotlineJannanigansMama StarReady, Aim, FireThe Right WayHere to HelpPizza PartyThe Tavern at the End of the MultiverseCleaved
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