All Belts are Off/Transcript

	Episode begins with a fuzzy videotape of a man sitting in a throne surrounded by people in red hooded cloaks.
Grandmaster	Karate brings the essence of "ka", "ra", and "te" together in a circular balance of the elements.
	Marco and his fellow karate students watch the videotape in the dojo.
Grandmaster	It is time for you to demonstrate all that you have learned about the "DUH's" of karate. Discipline. [blows out left candle] Ed-U-cation. [blows out middle candle] And most importantly, [inhales deeply, blows out right candle]
Marco Diaz	[whispering, stressing the "h" sound] Honor.
Grandmaster	I, Grandmaster of the "How To Karate" video series, am coming to your dojo in your town of...
Female Voiceover	Echo Creek.
Grandmaster	...to watch your top student perform. If Grandmaster deems them worthy, your dojo will be "How To"-certified!
Sensei Brantley	[pauses video] This is a great honor for our dojo. With Grandmaster's certification, we won't just be a mini-mall dojo anymore. We'll be a certified mini-mall dojo! The student I will choose to represent the school will be someone who has constantly impressed me with their dedication and commitment. Someone who has contributed so much to the dojo, who really puts the "ra" in karate.
Marco	[smiles]
Sensei	I will let you know my decision by the end of the week.
Karate student	Uh, sensei, it's Friday.
Sensei	Oh. Then it's Jeremy.
Marco	What?!
Jeremy	[shocked gasping]
Sensei	Anyway, great class today. You're all dismissed.
Jeremy	[laughing] How does it feel, Marco? He actually chose an eight-year-old over you.
	Scene cuts to Marco and Jeremy in the dojo showers.
Jeremy	L-O-S-E-R! Marco lost to who? J-E-R-E-M-Y! That spells winner! That's me! Jeremy!
	Scene cuts to a children's cartoon with a pony with a rainbow mane and a floating whale walking along a rainbow in the clouds.
Pony	Yay! This is going to be the best trip yet!
Sir Acha	Ready to board?
Pony	You bet, Sir Acha!
	Sensei watches the cartoon on his TV while eating cereal.
Pony	[on TV] Let's sail away on our friend ship!
	Marco enters Sensei's bedroom, turns the TV off, and places a radio on top of the TV.
Sensei	Hey, little buddy. What are you doing in my room?
Marco	[turns on New Age music, bows to Sensei]
Sensei	[nods]
Marco	Hajime. [grunting while doing karate moves]
	Marco splits three stacked boards of wood in half with his foot.
Marco	[deep inhale, slow exhale, bows to Sensei]
Sensei	Whoa. That was amazing!
Marco	So is Jeremy still your choice to represent the dojo?
Jeremy	Oh, yeah, for sure. Jeremy.
Marco	What?! I broke, like, three boards!
Sensei	Marco, I didn't pick Jeremy because he's better at karate. I picked him because of... you know, who he is as a person.
Marco	Who Jeremy is as a person is a jerk! [picks up broken pieces of wood, muttering angrily] As a person? Who do you think is a person?
Sensei	Marco, listen.
Marco	No, you listen! I'm ten times the person Jeremy is! You're making a huge mistake!
	Marco knocks Sensei's pony figurine off a desk. It falls to the floor and breaks.
Toy Pony	Let's sail away on our friend shiiiip... [winds down]
Sensei	[gasps] You still have a lot to learn about honor.
Marco	Fine. [leaves]
	Scene cuts to Jeremy's house; Jeremy leaves the house with two butlers.
Jeremy	Mom, next time you cut the crusts off, leave 'em in the bag! Just 'cause I don't want 'em on my sandwich doesn't mean I don't eat 'em later!
Mrs. Birnbaum	(o.s.) I'm sorry, my little cherub!
	Near the bushes, Marco records Jeremy on his phone. He puts up his hood and follows Jeremy. In the next scene, a hundred-dollar bill is on the ground covered in rainbow-colored poop.
Bearded hipster	Is that...?
Jeremy	[eating popcorn] That's a... hundred-dollar bill.
Hipster	Really?
Jeremy	Yeah. That's a Benjamin.
Hipster	That's my favorite one. But it's got all that stuff on it.
Jeremy	Yeah, it's a lot of stuff.
Hipster	You know how many vinyls I could buy with that? Three. I'm going in. [sniffs] Ew! Why does it smell like that?
Jeremy	Pretty rank, huh?
Hipster	Well, maybe if I... [gags]
Jeremy	I'd start with the corner.
	The bearded hipster tries pulling the hundred-dollar bill off the ground from one of the corners, but it's stuck.
Hipster	Man! Somebody glued this to the ground!
Jeremy	Glue?
Hipster	What kind of a sick joke is this?!
Jeremy	Try the other corner.
	The bearded hipster's glasses fall off his face and onto the poop.
Hipster	My glasses. And it's my birthday! [tosses glasses away, rides away on motor scooter]
Jeremy	Uh, butler, refill.
	Jeremy's butler walks up and scoops more poop onto the hundred-dollar bill. Marco records this from the bushes.
Marco	Shameful.
Star Butterfly	[pops up in front of Marco] Hey, Marco, whatcha doing?
Marco	[groans] Do you mind? I'm collecting evidence here.
Star	[gasps] Oh, yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah. Sorry-sorry-sorry-sorry-sorry. [slinks back down]
Marco	Keep it up, Jeremy. You're giving me everything I need.
	Star appears on the tree behind Marco.
Marco	Star? What are you doing?
Star	I'm just helping you out at the scene of the crime, collecting evidence.
Marco	Ugh. It's not really a crime scene. I'm hiding in the bushes and recording all of Jeremy's bad behavior.
Star	Oh, so you're like a... like a... like a... like a creep.
Marco	What? No, I'm not a creep. I've got lots of proof here, Star.
Star	It's okay, Marco. Wave that creep flag.
Marco	This isn't creepy! This is justice! I'm gonna show all this bad stuff to sensei, and then he'll have to change his mind about letting Jeremy represent the dojo.
	Star slowly climbs the tree. Scene cuts back to the dojo; Marco enters...
Marco	Huh?
	...and finds it decorated with Jeremy-themed banners and a gold Jeremy statue.
Marco	[growls]
Jeremy statue	Hi-yah! Hi-yah! Hi-yah!
Marco	[walks up to Sensei] Hey, sensei?
Sensei	[hanging banners] Mr. Diaz.
Marco	There's something I need to show you.
Sensei	If it's those pictures of the dog playing the harmonica, I've seen them. And they're excellent.
Marco	No, no, this is not that. It's about Jeremy.
Sensei	Okay. What is it?
Marco	I wanna show you... [looks at "Honor" banner] ...how...
Sensei	Well?
Marco	...How... sorry I am. I shouldn't have overreacted the other day. You have every right to choose who you want to represent the dojo. And if you really think Jeremy is the best choice, then I can accept that.
Sensei	I appreciate your apology. It shows your noble spirit. You're like a lion or a really cool bird-lion. [watch beeping] Oh, man! Grandmaster's gonna be here any minute!
Grandmaster	[appears in chair behind Marco] Or... is Grandmaster already here?
Audience	[gasps]
Sensei	Grandmaster! [bows to Grandmaster] Thank you for coming.
Grandmaster	Do not thank Grandmaster. It is by the will of karate that Grandmaster is here.
Sensei	That's the coolest sentence I've ever heard.
Grandmaster	Who have you chosen to represent your dojo?
Jeremy	[jumps through banner] Me! Jeremy!
Audience	[cheers and applads]
Mrs. Birnbaum	Yay! We love you, son!
Marco	[applauds angrily]
	Jeremy bows to Sensei and Grandmaster. They bow in return.
Jeremy	I would like to express what a huge honor it is for all of you to watch me perform. [tosses cape off] Hah!
Background singer	♪ Jeremy is awesome ♪ ♪ He's the best at everything he does ♪
Jeremy	[karate grunts] ...Ahem. Applause?
Audience	[scattered applauding]
Background singer	♪ He's the greatest that ever was ♪
Jeremy	[karate grunts] Mom! Picture!
Mrs. Birnbaum	Yes, sweetie! [takes Jeremy's picture]
Audience member 1	What a jerk!
Audience member 2	I cannot stand that boy!
Audience member 3	Why'd you bring me here for our anniversary?
	Jeremy beats a karate student with a yellow belt and puts his foot on his stomach.
Jeremy	Hai!
Karate student	[starts to move away]
Jeremy	No, no. I'm not done.
Marco	[growling] Okay, that's it! I'm sorry, sensei! I just can't accept this! Why did you pick Jeremy?
Sensei	Because he brings so much to the dojo.
Marco	So much what?!
Sensei	Money, dude! His family's filthy rich. They give the dojo tons of cash. That's how I keep this place afloat. I really shouldn't be running a business.
Marco	So, wait. You don't think he's a better person than me?
Sensei	[scoffs] No. Of course not. He's a toilet.
Jeremy	[chanting] Je-re-my! Je-re-my!
Marco	Why didn't you tell me this in the first place?
Sensei	[voice cracking] Because you and I are friends, and that's what friends do. They do hurtful things to each other without explaining why, because they know their friend will understand.
Marco	That's not how... Wait. We're friends?
Sensei	Duh. You're my dojo bro. Why else would I keep texting you to grab tacos?
Marco	You don't text me.
Sensei	[looks at his phone] Whose number is this then?
Marco	For the record, friends are upfront with each other.
Sensei	Really? I gotta stop learning life lessons from children's shows. I'm still ignorant in the ways of friendship. Perhaps you could be my friendship sensei. [bows to Marco]
Marco	[bows to Sensei] I'd be honored.
Jeremy	[karate grunts]
	Sounds of snoring fill the dojo. Everyone turns to the Grandmaster, who is sleeping.
Grandmaster	[loud snoring] --Hmm! Yes! Ha-ha! Y- uh, yes. Yes, indeed, hi-yah indeed, yes, indeed. Yes, indeed. Uh, wonderful performance. [applauding] Just wow. Wow all across the...
Jeremy	But I wasn't even done.
Grandmaster	Ahem! Yes, uh, Grandmaster gets the gist. Punch, punch, kick, kick. Very good, William.
Jeremy	It's Jeremy.
Grandmaster	This dojo has proven itself worthy of Grandmaster's certification.
	Grandmaster punches the wall, leaving the words "HOW TO KARATE GRANDMASTER CERTIFIED" engraved.
Audience	[cheering]
Sensei	[hugs Marco]
Grandmaster	The wind of karate beckons once again. Grandmaster must go.
	Marco and Sensei bow to the Grandmaster. When they raise their heads, Grandmaster has disappeared.
Marco	Huh? How did he do that?
Sensei	Heh. Grandmaster is like the wind. He is not bound by physical constraints.
	A school bus outside drives away, and Grandmaster chases after it.
Grandmaster	You can't leave the Grandmaster!
	Sensei hangs a picture frame around the Grandmaster's certification engraving.
Sensei	Looks good.
Marco	Sure does. [texts Sensei]
Sensei	[looks at his phone] "Let's go grab some tacos"? Someone invited me to get tacos! You want to come, too?
Marco	Sure.
	Marco and Sensei leave together, leaving Jeremy alone sitting in the dojo bleachers.
Butler	[walks up to Jeremy] You want to go get some ice cream?
Jeremy	[shakes his head]
Butler	No? You want to go glue some hundred-dollar bills to the ground?
Jeremy	[nods his head]
Butler	Yeah? Okay.
	Jeremy's butler picks him up and carries him off-screen.