Collateral Damage/Transcript

	(theme song)
	Episode begins at Echo Creek Academy; Janna is cleaning up garbage in front of the school.
Janna	[rhythmically] Stabbing all the trash with the stabby stick. Stabbing the trash and I put it in the sack. Gonna stab the trash— [picks up Blake's hamburger]
Blake Lemons	Hey, I was eating that!
Janna	Come on, you know this stuff is garbage.
	Star Butterfly levitates the hamburger and other garbage into a nearby dumpster.
Janna	What are you doing here?
Star	Same thing as you. Getting rid of trash. [picks up male student's headphones]
Male student	Hey!
Janna	Uh, I can see that, but I meant what did you get in trouble for?
Star	Huh?
Janna	Did you waste somebody?
Star	What? No, I volunteered.
Janna	Uh, for detention? Are you okay?
Star	[laughs] Totally! [levitates trash can and throws it against dumpster's side] No. I'm actually pretty messed up.
Janna	Ah, me too.
Star	You know, I think I'm the first princess to lose everything, which is kind of impressive. I'd log it in my spell book, but I don't have my spell book. And I would tell Glossaryck, but I don't have Glossaryck, either. How am I supposed to know where to go or who I am if I don't have a history? And if I keep myself busy, I won't be able to mess up anything else. So that's what I'm in for, Janna. [levitates possum statue]
Janna	Mm-hmm. Uh...
Star	Because I'm out. [drops possum statue in dumpster]
Janna	Yo, what did you do?!
Star	What did I do?
Janna	You just put Otis in the dumpster. Right on.
Star	Who-tis?
Janna	Otis! You know, he's, like, the school mascot or whatever.
Star	Okay, probably that shouldn't be in the garbage. [looks at statue] Phew, it's okay. That made a crazy sound when I threw it in. It was all, like... [imitates clanging noise]
	Otis' statue slowly crumbles to bits.
Janna	So, you're gonna be in detention... forever.
Female student	[screams]
	Scene cuts to Principal Skeeves' office.
Principal Skeeves	[shuddering]
Star	Oh, Principal Skeeves, I am so sorry!
Skeeves	Without Otis, I would be dead. I remember the moment well. It was very cold that day. Winters here are quite harsh, you know. I was being chased through the halls of this very school by a herd of bullies and hid beneath Otis's underside. I hid for days. Survived by eating the frozen gum stuck to Otis's great big belly. He saved my life.
Star	...Principal—
Skeeves	Life!
Star	I'm... gonna take off, yeah? So, just, uh, you know, find a brother in the hallways when you're ready to give her detention.
Skeeves	[shuddering]
Star	You want that door open or closed?
Skeeves	(o.s.) Hit the lights.
Star	[turns off lights and closes door] Okay, that was not normal, even for Skeeves.
Students	[crying]
Sabrina Backintosh	[runs past Star, tearfully] Excuse me!
Star	Hey, guys, what's going on?
Brittney Wong	[sobs] We're waiting for Mr. Candle's grief counseling.
Star	Grief counseling?
Mr. Candle	[opens door] Sorry, everyone. No counseling today. I'm too torn up about Otis. No point in pulling you onto a sinking lifeboat.
Star	Uh, Mr. Candle, how can you be torn about Otis? You're not even from this dimension!
Mr. Candle	But look at them, Star! Look at their little, droopy, baby-fat faces! Contact grief is a real thing, okay? [closes door]
Star	Dang! [sees other students crying] Oh, dang. Hey, come on, guys. I'm really sorry about Otis. Please, is there anything I can do to help? Let me fix you.
Moobs Squitson	It's not your fault. It's our fault.
	Star appears to get an idea. Scene cuts to the front of the school the next day; several students are gathered around Star and a large tarp.
Star	Good morning, everybody! I've invited you all out here to say I am so sorry for yesterday. I made a pretty big mess, but I think I made some magic today. I give you... [pulls tarp off possum statue] Otis!
Students	[gasps]
Male student 1	Otis is really here?!
Male student 2	It's a miracle!
Skeeves	Otis? Otis, is that you? Oh, my dear boy, I... I thought I lost you forever. But you're really here! [laughing]
Francis Smithington	Wait a second... I-I used to put my used gum there! Where is it?!
Skeeves	Yeah! And where's all the scratches? It's too shiny!
Female student	And where is the kissing hole?
Male student 2	Kissing hole?
Female student	Y-You know, the hole where you practice your kissing?
Male student 2	What?
Female student	Where's our kissing hole?!
Francis	This is Otis, right, Star?
Star	Duh! But the old statue was all beat up, so I made a shiny new one. Isn't that great? [imitates voice] It sure is, Star.
Skeeves	That's not Otis! That's a fake!
Star	No, it's Otis, just better!
Francis	Otis was perfect the way he was! [sobbing]
Star	W-W-W-W-Wait! Come back! Come back! Otis is back!
Students	[walk away crying]
Star	What's wrong?!
Skeeves	That's just a horrible reminder of everything we've lost!
Star	[slides off statue] What? I need to find out what I did wrong. [kicks in school's front door] Marco!
Male student	[gets hit by door] Ow!
Star	Oh, I'm sorry!
Male student	It doesn't matter.
Justin Armberg	[under Star's feet] Excuse me!
Star	Aah!
Justin	Oh, never mind.
Becky	Zeke, I think we should break up.
Zeke	But, Becky, I love you.
Becky	I love you, too, Zeke, but nothing matters anymore now that Otis is gone.
Male student	[dressed as Otis] Hey, everybody! It's me, Otis! I'm back. [chuckling]
Becky	Otis!
Zeke	I love you!
Becky	Otis, we love you!
Star	Ohhh, what did I do to this school?
Janitor	Heh. School's done for, Miss. Everything's crumbling. [throws books into garbage can fire]
Justin	Hooray!
Leah	Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?! [grabs Star's arm]
Star	Marco! [runs away]
Leah	Who am I?!
Star	Where are you?!
Marco	[inside locker, echoing] Star, I'm right here.
Star	Oh, no! Marco's a locker?! This day just keeps getting worse!
Marco	[inside locker, echoing] I'm just trying to avoid all the craziness in this school.
Janitor	Hey, the lockers are talking! The end is near!
Justin	Hooray!
Star	Marco, I am soooo confused by this statue stuff. I know what I did was wrong, but I also have no idea what I did wrong.
Marco	[sighs] Star... [kicks locker open] Let me take you back 170 years ago to the top of the Mt. Angelus Mountains. [narrating in folksy accent] In the dead of winter of 1846, the Bonner party had set out for the shores of the western coastline. Packed with nothing more than a week's ration of food and a dream for a better life, the Bonner party stood no chance of survival. They gave up quick and decided to settle in the tame suburban valley of Echo Creek. But one last challenge lay between them and their American dream: possums. To stake their claim to the land, the Bonner party went to war. Man and possum fought, biting one another with force and vigor. A letter from Timothy Bonner:
Timothy Bonner	[narrating] Dearest Rebecca, I hate the possums. I hate the possums so much. My rage for them is all I can think about. They scratch and bite like the demons in fairy tales. I can no longer love you. I can only hate... the possums.
Marco	[narrating in folksy accent] After twenty-six days of miserable war, Otis, the very last possum, was sent scurrying into the forest. The Bonners' land was now possum-free. They built a statue of Otis to commemorate the first victory of their small town. But it was the last time Echo Creek won anything. Football players kiss it before games. Teachers make offerings to it. Others just stare and wonder, "What's a possum?" Otis has come to represent Echo Creek's history, and without it... [coughs, normal voice] We don't know who we are.
Star	Oh, I know that feeling. Remember when I lost the book of spells?
Marco	Yep.
Star	I went a bit crazy.
Marco	You kept calling me Glossaryck. You tried to shove me in a book!
Star	Because that's where you live! [sighs] I'm sorry. It's terrible losing something you care about. Something with history, something with...
Marco	Star, it's okay.
Star	[gasps] I got it!
	Star runs off, and Marco goes back inside the locker.
Star	[enters Principal Skeeves' office] Mr. Skeeves, I'm making an announcement!
Skeeves	[staring blankly]
Star	[holding microphone] Don't try and stop me!
Skeeves	[staring blankly]
Star	[over school loudspeaker] Check. One, one, two. One. Can you hear me? Echo Creek, can you hear my loud voice? Teachers...
Miss Skullnick	What?
Star	[over school loudspeaker] ...students, janitors, friends, I've destroyed something you had history with, and I understand that no magic can fix that.
Moobs	Yeah.
Star	[over school loudspeaker] But you were more than just a statue of a possum! You're from Echo Creek! You're better than possums! Johnny Raisinberry!
Johnny Raisinberry	Who said that?
Star	[over school loudspeaker] You have been held back seven times at this school...
Johnny	My wife keeps telling me to give up.
Star	[over school loudspeaker] ...but you have perfect attendance every one of those years, and you should be super proud of that. You are better than a possum.
Johnny	Thanks!
Star	[over school loudspeaker] Brittney!
Brittney	What?
Star	[over school loudspeaker] You are... really judgmental and mean, but maybe that's because you want us to keep being better than possums.
Brittney	[offended] Yeah!
Star	[over school loudspeaker] Mr. Skeeves, you dropped the ball today on looking after your school. But, hey, at least you got a school!
Skeeves	Unlike those Possums!
Star	[over school loudspeaker] StarFan13, you're the second-best me there is, baby.
StarFan13	Oh, my gosh!
Star	[over school loudspeaker] Ferguson! Alfonzo! I haven't talked to you guys all year, but you're always there in the background doing your thing!
Ferguson and Alfonzo	[raise their hands from the background]
Star	[over school loudspeaker] You don't need a big possum statue to make you proud. That's just letting the possums win. We're from Echo Creek, and we're better than possums! So, like the Bonner party before us on that fateful day in 1846... [kicks school door open] ...let's get rid of that possum!
Students and teachers	[cheering]
Marco	[narrating in folksy accent] Like their ancestors before them, the students of Echo Creek got rid of Otis with pride and school spirit. They destroyed that possum statue as one mob of unity. An old janitor suggested they burn down the school. Star Butterfly stepped in and said no. That day, our town was victorious, and a girl named Star Butterfly shined brighter than the Northern Star.
Janna	[handing Star orange vest] Hey, Star, you, uh, gonna help me clean this up?
Star	[folksy accent] I suppose I should. [takes vest from Janna]
Janna	Ugh. Why are you talking like that?
Star	[folksy accent] Because today, Janna, was a great day in history.
Janna	Seriously, stop it.
Star	[folksy accent] Not today, Janna. Not tomorrow. Not ever.