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Episode begins with Merrick Maizley climbing a flight of giant stairs with a bag of groceries.
Merrick Maizley [grunting] No matter how many times I climb these stairs, I swear they're gettin' taller. Heh-heh.
Merrick helps his wife Maude climb the stairs.
Maude Maizley Oh... [grunts] We're just getting older.
Merrick Oh, boy. That market sure was a mess today, wasn't it?
Maude Oh, my goodness, yes! Ever since those monsters started showing up, hogging the aisles with their giant shopping carts... Now, if I had any say, I'd— Manny! Mendel! Quit dawdling!
Manny and Mendel Maizley pop up from the stairs' lower steps.
Manny Maizley Hey, Mom, I found a dead lizard! I wanna keep it!
Mendel Maizley Can we name him "Chomps"?
Maude [sighs] Okay, but... only if you finish your chores.
Merrick [reaches top of the stairs, breathes deeply] All right. You guys know the drill. [gets down on all fours under the doorknob]
Maude [climbs onto Merrick's back, grunting] Your back okay, dear?
Merrick [straining] Yeah. Yeah, that's fine, honey.
With Manny on her shoulders, Mendel jumps onto Maude's shoulders.
Manny Whoa! Whoa-oa! Whuh—! Whoa!
Manny takes out a large door key and struggles to unlock the door, but it opens by itself.
Maizleys [exclaiming]
Monster Mim appears on the other side of the door.
Monster Mim Huh?
Maude Oh, my!
Manny Whoa-ho-ho-ho!
Mim Sorry. We're not interested.
Merrick Wait! What are you doing in our house?!
Mim Uh, actually, this is our house. It belonged to my great, great, great, great, great grandmother before the Mewmans went and took over these woods. Now Eclipsa's returned it back to us by royal decree. See?
Mim points to a notice pinned next to the door. It reads, "ROYAL DECREE BY THE ORDER OF QUEEN ECLIPSA. On this day in the year of great bounty one thousand and fifty three, those monsterfolk who have been driven from their homes may now return to them."
Merrick Well, that sounds like a whole lot of malarkey! If this is your house,why don't ya prove it?
Mim Well, it's a monster house. [steps aside to reveal wife and two children] Everything is... monster-sized. Didn't you wonder why the rooms were so big? Or the furniture? Or the kitchen sink?
Manny You mean, the swimming pool?
Mim [sighs] Look, I gotta get ready for work. But we packed up your stuff for ya. [gives Maizleys their packed-up belongings] I think this is everything. Here you go!
Awkward silence.
Mim Well... this is awkward. Goodbye. [closes door]
Mendel Now, what do we do?
Scene cuts to middle of the woods; the Maizleys carry their stuff on their backs and walk down the road.
Merrick Look at it this way, kids. At least we don't have to live in town with a bunch of monsters anymore!
Mendel This is literally the first time I've seen a tree in my life.
Merrick You know... me, too!
The Maizleys walk past Moon and River Butterfly's yurt. Moon stares at a centipede on a log.
River Butterfly [groans and whines]
Moon Butterfly Do you have to do that?
River Aah! Moon Pie, I'm bored!
Moon River, that's the point. We came here to the woods just to spend time and do nothing. Besides, I thought you were cooking.
River I am!
A plate of rocks cooks over the fire.
Moon Sweetie, those are rocks. Can't you find anything more... edible to cook?
River [eats a rock]
Merrick Your Majesty? It's really you! Oh, my goodness!
Maude [gasps]
Moon Uh, hello. Do I know you?
Merrick Well, not personally. My name is Merrick Maizley. I was in the "Ac-corn-ting" (Accounting) Department in the Royal Fields Office.
Moon Ah. Thank you for your service.
Merrick Your Majesty, y-you have to help us. Monsters have taken over our homes, and we need them gone at once.
Moon Well, I'm afraid I'm not "your Majesty" anymore. Eclipsa is queen now. There's nothing I can do.
Merrick But then... what are we supposed to do?
Moon You could move? It seems like you've got your belongings with you. You're off to a great start!
Merrick Okay, then. We'll leave you to this. [walks away]
Moon Thank you!
Cut to some time later; Moon is reading a book, and River is holding a bundle of sticks.
River Moon, would you be a dear and fetch some water for the soup?
Moon Soup? What's in it?
River I've, uh, got this... meat!
Moon Ugh. That's a bundle of— Oh, never mind.
Moon brings a bucket to the stream to collect water.
River (o.s.) Hurry, my dear! The meat wood is burning!
Green slime floats from upstream and into the bucket.
Moon What in—?
Even more green slime floats from upstream.
River (o.s.) Whoops, there it goes. It's on fire now. Soup's canceled!
Moon follows the river upstream...
Moon [gasps]
...and finds Maude washing slime off her clothes.
Maude [gasps] Your Majesty! Hi!
Moon What's going on here?
Maude Oh! [chuckles] Well, we got a little bit turned around and then fell into a gelatinous slime gulch. This stuff is disgusting.
Moon Yes, well, unfortunately, the slime has contaminated our water. I'd recommend cleaning up further away. Far, far, further away.
Cut to even later; Moon and River come out of their yurt.
River [holding vines] Okay, if we close our eyes, this might pass as spaghetti.
Moon River, you can't just—
River Just let me eat this! [walks into shirt hanging on clothesline, grumbles] What's all this?
Merrick, Manny, and Mendel wash slime off themselves in the river.
Maude Look at my clean babies! Get between your toes!
Moon So, I see you moved further downstream.
Maude Sure did! Thanks for the tip! The water is so clean and pure here!
Manny and Mendel run past Maude and Moon.
Maude Oh!
Moon Uh, where are they going?
Maude Oh, who knows? [snorts] Kids. Who cares?
Manny [to River] Hey! You wanna bet I can scream really loud?
River No!
Moon Well, I'm glad you're okay, but this is actually private property, so—
Manny [screaming in River's ear]
Maude What... What's that?
Moon [louder] Uh, I said this is private—
Manny [still screaming]
Maude [louder] Sorry, I... I didn't catch that over the screaming.
Moon [even louder] I said—!
Manny [still screaming]
Moon GET OFF OUR PROPERTY! [covers her mouth]
Maude ...Well. You didn't have to yell.
Cut to even further later; Moon has built a fence around the yurt to keep the Maizleys out.
Moon [sighs] Beautiful peace and quiet.
Merrick Hi! Heh. I know you probably want your peace and quiet. [laughs] But I've got a really quick question for ya.
Moon [sighs, to River] Go see what he wants.
River Why me? I've got all the wood for the fence!
Moon I gave birth to our child.
River [groans, walks toward Merrick]
Moon Heh. I can't believe that still works.
River [to Merrick] What do you want?
Merrick Um, so, uh, my kids found this. [holding large green egg] Is this safe to eat?
River Aah! No, no, no! That's a Carnian spirring lizard egg! They're the most poisonous creatures in all of—!
Merrick Oh, what? Oops!
Merrick drops the egg, and it breaks on River's head, covering him in pink goo. The Carnian spirring lizard inside spews more goo from its mouth.
River [yelps] Aah! [runs around screaming]
Merrick Oh, here! Maybe this'll distract 'em.
Merrick breaks three more eggs, releasing three more spirring lizards that spew goo everywhere.
Merrick Okay, Maude, you were right. The eggs were bad.
River It burns! It burns! Aah!
Moon [growls]
Cut to nighttime; Moon and River are sleeping on a bed inside the yurt.
River [snoring]
A loud clanging outside wakes Moon up.
Moon [growls] That's it!
Moon goes outside and sees the Maizleys banging pots and pans.
Moon What are you doing?! It's the middle of the night!
Maude Oh, we're protecting you from the Hookman. Cute nightgown.
Manny On full moons, he wanders the forest, finding unsuspecting victims to hook!
Mendel The only way to stay safe is to be loud! [bangs spoon on pan]
Moon Please, just leave us alone.
Merrick [to his family] We'll make noise in shifts. That way, there'll be constant loud noises all the way until the sun rises! Heh. Now, Maude, I know you brought all the pots and pans, but I was thinking—
Moon [growls] Leave! I... have... had it... with you! Leave now! Leave! Leave now! Leave!
The Maizleys back away from Moon and leave. Cut to next morning; Moon has a crazed look while baking pies.
Moon [gasps] Yes! Yes, yes, yes!
River [has a black eye] Honey, guess what! I can see out of one eye again, and— [gasping] Have you been making pies?
Moon Yeeeees. I've been up all night preparing a special treat for the Maizleys. Hyah!
Moon tosses one of the pies out the window, and it explodes.
River Strawberry death pies! You are a genius! I love you.
Moon Oh, you like that, do you? Then you'll love this!
Moon pulls a tarp covering something to reveal a catapult.
River [gasps] A pie catapult! You haven't built one since we were dating!
Moon I... I couldn't sleep last night. Because it occurred to me – they're just going to keep coming back, no matter what we do. If we want to get back to doing nothing, we've got to do something. Behold, our new moat!
Alligators Bwaaaaah.
River You caught alligators?!
Moon I speak alligator! Bwaah!
Alligators Bwaaaaah.
Moon Bwaaah!
Alligators Bwaaaaah.
Moon To the watchtower!
River [gasps] We have a watchtower?! [laughs, follows Moon]
From the newly built watchtower, Moon and River look for the Maizleys through binoculars. The Maizleys are nowhere to be seen.
Moon Hmmm.
River You don't think the Hookman got them, do you?
Moon River, the Hookman isn't real.
River Oh, right. Then they must be busy, uh... plotting something.
Moon Yes. Perhaps we should... go see what they're plotting!
Moon and River search for the Maizleys.
Moon Maizleys!
River Children! Merrick!
Moon Maude! Merrick!
River [looks under rock] Annoying children!
Moon Children!
River Are you annoying someone nearby?
Moon Maizl— [gasps]
The Maizleys are seen walking down the road.
Moon Hey! Wait! Maizleys! We've been looking everywhere for you. Where have you been?
Merrick Well, heh, we didn't want to trouble you anymore. So, we went looking for a new home.
Mendel But we couldn't see, 'cause it was pitch black outside, which is, like, pretty cool, but was, like, also kinda the worst.
Moon But what happened to your belongings?
Maude Oh. Squirrels stole 'em.
Manny And moths ate all our spare clothes.
Maude Then we, um, fell down a mountain and got stuck real bad in some quicksand, and... then, uh...
Merrick The Hookman got us.
Moon [gasps] What?!
Merrick Oh, it was terrible. He hooked us into buying homeowner insurance.
River But you guys don't own a home!
Merrick Yeah! [laughs] He's good!
Moon Haven't any of you ever learned to take care of yourselves?
Merrick Well, no, your Majesty. We've never had to before. You always took such good care of us.
Maude You gave us good jobs and a nice home.
Merrick But ever since you left, I don't know what we'll do. Anyway, we'll get out of your hair. We'll find a hole somewhere to live. Maybe live off berries. How's that sound, kids?
Mendel [flatly] Yeah, berries.
The Maizleys start walking away. Moon and River look at each other and smile.
Moon Wait! Maybe we can help.
Cut back to Moon and River's camp; Moon plants a seedling in the ground while Maude watches.
Moon And that's how you grow real food.
Maude Food. From the ground. Are ya pullin' my leg or what? [laughs] That's crazy!
River and Merrick cook rocks over the fire.
River You have to get the perfect burn color. Aaaaand... now!
Merrick [flips rocks with a spatula]
River You're a natural!
Merrick Aw, thanks!
Manny fishes for fish while Mendel makes a fishing net. Something snags Manny's fishing line, and Mendel helps him reel it in.
Manny and Mendel [grunting]
An alligator lands on them.
Alligator Bwaaaaah.
Manny and Mendel [laughing]
Another family of Mewmans appears carrying their belongings on their backs.
Mewman Dad Pardon me, ma'am. Heh. We're new to these parts. Mind if we set up camp here?
Moon and River look at each other and smile.
(end song)
ved Star vs. the Forces of Evil Episode Transcripts
Season 1
Star Comes to EarthParty With a PonyMatch MakerSchool SpiritMonster ArmThe Other Exchange StudentCheer Up, StarQuest BuyDiaz Family VacationBrittney's PartyMewbertyPixtopiaLobster ClawsSleep SpellsBlood Moon BallFortune CookiesFreeze DayRoyal PainSt. Olga's Reform School for Wayward PrincessesMewnipendance DayThe Banagic IncidentInterdimensional Field TripMarco Grows a BeardStorm the Castle
Season 2
My New Wand!Ludo in the WildMr. Candle CaresRed BeltStar on WheelsFetchStar vs. Echo CreekWand to WandStarstruckCamping TripStarsittingOn the JobGoblin DogsBy the BookGame of FlagsGirls' Day OutSleepoverGift of the CardFriendenemiesIs MysteryHungry LarrySpider With a Top HatInto the WandPizza ThingPage TurnerNaysayaBon Bon the Birthday ClownRaid the CaveTrickstarBabyRunning with ScissorsMathmagicThe Bounce LoungeCrystal ClearThe Hard WayHeinousAll Belts are OffCollateral DamageJust FriendsFace the MusicStarcrushed
Season 3
Return to MewniMoon the UndauntedBook Be GoneMarco and the KingPuddle DefenderKing LudoToffeeScent of a HoodieRest in PuddingClub SnubbedStranger DangerDemoncismSophomore SlumpLint CatcherTrial by SquirePrincess TurdinaStarfariSweet DreamsLava Lake BeachDeath PeckPonymoniumNight LifeDeep DiveMonster BashStump DayHoliday SpellcialThe Bogbeast of BoggabahTotal Eclipsa the MoonButterfly TrapLudo, Where Art Thou?Is Another MysteryMarco Jr.Skooled!Booth BuddiesBam Ui Pati!Tough LoveDivideConquer
Season 4
Butterfly FolliesEscape from the Pie FolkMoon RemembersSwim SuitRansomgramLake House FeverYada Yada BerriesDown by the RiverThe Ponyhead Show!Surviving the SpiderbitesOut of BusinessKelly's WorldCurse of the Blood MoonPrincess Quasar Caterpillar and the Magic BellGhost of Butterfly CastleCornball!Meteora's LessonThe Knight ShiftQueen-NappedJunkin' JannaA Spell with No NameA Boy and His DC-700XEThe Monster and the QueenCornonationDoop-DoopBritta's TacosBeach DayGone Baby GoneSad Teen HotlineJannanigansMama StarReady, Aim, FireThe Right WayHere to HelpPizza PartyThe Tavern at the End of the MultiverseCleaved
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