Friendenemies/Transcript

	(Theme Song)
	Scene opens at the Diazes' house. Marco is in his room, sitting in front of his computer and frantically typing. There's banging on the door, then it opens and Star sticks her head in.
Star	Hey, Marco. [she enters the room and it is revealed that she is tied up with Christmas lights] Can I get your help with something?
Marco	Can't help right now. I just found out there's a Mackie Hand movie marathon tonight, and I can't miss it.
Star	Ooh. Who's Mackie Hand?
Marco	He's the greatest martial-arts superstar who ever lived. He died thirty years ago while performing one of his own stunts on himself. Accidentally. [to computer] Come on, come on, come on. [takes a deep breath] Ooh!! [groaning; he buries his face into his keyboard and repeatedly hits himself on the head with his computer screen]
Star	What is it? What's wrong?
Marco	It's sold out.
Star	Oh. [bends down and awkwardly pats Marco on the shoulder] I'm sorry, little guy.
Marco	It's okay. It was just a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
Star	Don't worry. I'm sure there's a chance you can still get a ticket.
Marco	Good things don't happen to me.
	A giant blast of fire bursts out of Marco's desk, knocking Star and him over. The flames die down, revealing Tom, who is licking a snow cone.
Tom	Hey. What's up?
Star and Marco	Tom?
Star	What are you doing here?
Tom	Actually, I was wondering if we could hang out.
Star	Ugh. No, no, no. A million times no!
Tom	Not with you, Star. I meant with Marco.
Marco	Huh? Uh, no?
Tom	Oh. Okay then. Guess I'll just find somebody else to go with to the Mackie Hand movie marathon.
Marco	Wha-huh? What? Wait, you're a fan of Mackie Hand?
Tom	I'm a super fan.
	Star, who is still wrapped up in the Christmas lights, starts trying to gnaw through the cords.
Marco	Why do you want to go with me?
Tom	I really thought we connected that one time. Over ping-pong?
Marco	You kidnapped me.
Tom	Look, I know I've been a little aggro in the past, and I'm sorry. I promise not to get mad this time.
	Marco pushes the tied-up Star aside.
Marco	Star, what is he up to?
Star	I think you should go with him. He's obviously trying to bury the hammer or whatever.
Marco	Hatchet? "Bury the hatchet".
Tom	Well, the marathon is all the way on the other side of town, so are you coming or not?
	Cut to Marco and Tom outside. Marco opens the door to Tom’s carriage and ominous music plays.
Marco	Whoa!
Tom	Let me just give you a tour. [they enter; to horse] Giddy up, skeleton horse!
	Skeleton-horse whinnies and rides off. Cut to inside of Tom's carriage.
Tom	So here it is. We got six flat-screen TVs, a photo booth, karaoke machine.
Marco	Is that a white tiger? [briefly cuts to white tiger grooming itself]
Tom	And up here is the lounge. Here. Have a seat in the throne. Are you comfortable? Can I get you anything? Some cereal perhaps?
Marco	[a tray with cereal and milk appears on his lap] Look, you're being super nice to me right now, and you're never nice to me? What's this really all about?
Tom	Wha - I'm just a huge fan of Mackie Hand.
Marco	What's your favorite Mackie Hand movie then?
Tom	Uh, it's [stammers]...
Marco	I knew it! You don't know the first thing about kung-fu. I'm outta here.
Tom	No, no, no, wait, wait. It's just because I have two favorites. "Hand To Hand To Hand", and "Hand To Hand To Hand 2". And now that I'm saying it, I'm gonna have to go with the original.
Marco	Oh. Yeah, you're right. That is the best one.
Tom	But not the English version. I'm talking about the original in Swedish.
Marco	Huh. I guess you do like... stuff. I'm sorry.
Tom	No, no, no, I get it, I get it. It can be hard to break through people's preconceptions of me. That's why I don't have many friends. I haven't even been to a movie marathon before.
	Right outside the carriage are two men in a convertible.
Passenger	Hey, where did you pick up your sweet ride? At a funeral home? Are you gonna go pick up someone's dead grandpa and hold a respectful service for him?
Marco	You think you guys are fast? I can guarantee that we'll beat you to the next light without even breaking a sweat.
Tom	Yeah. What are ya, chicken?
Both men	Whaaat?!
Passenger	Bro.
Driver	Bro.
Passenger	Bro!
Driver	You're on, punk. [the light turns green and they speed off]
Tom	Oh, I'll show them.
Marco	No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait. [siren blaring, police radio chatter] Those guys are going to jail.
	Cut to a police car. The driver and passenger are in the back seat. Tom's carriage slowly passes by, and Tom and Marco look innocently at the men in the cop car. Cut to inside of Tom's carriage.
Tom	[laughs] Oh, that was that was so much more fun than obliterating people.
Marco	Yeah! This whole thing reminds me of one of my favorite songs, "Awesome Feeling".
Tom	Wait, wait, wait. Isn't that a song by Love Sentence?
Marco	[humming song] Uhhhh. Yeah?
Tom	Come with me. [Tom brings Marco to a curtain, which he then pulls back]
Marco	No way! [gasps] You have a signed picture of you and Justin Towers? I also have a vintage five-disc CD player with automatic shuffle.
Love Sentence	[montage of Marco and Tom as the song plays] ♪ Awesome feeling ♪ ♪ Nothing's gonna take us down ♪ ♪ At first I turned my head, but then ♪ ♪ You really turned my day around ♪ ♪ Awesome feeling ♪ ♪ We started out as friend-nemies ♪ ♪ But found that we have chemistry ♪ ♪ And you were like, "ooh-ahh-ooh" ♪ ♪ And I was like, "ooh-eee-ooh" ♪ ♪ White tiger's like, "ooh-ahh-ooh" ♪ ♪ All right! ♪
Marco	Man, I can't believe I'm actually having a good time with you.
Tom	I know. Right? Heck, I could just skip that whole movie marathon and –
Marco	Oh, my gosh. Oh, the marathon! What time is it?
Tom	Don't freak out.
Marco	It starts in ten minutes? [Marco heads towards the door, but magical chains appear and block the exit] What the heck? [he grabs the lock and tries to pry it open. He quickly gives up and turns to Tom] Hey, can you unlock the door?
Tom	Actually, I can't let you leave yet.
Marco	What? But we gotta go. We're gonna be late.
Tom	Couldn't we just chill here for, like, another four-and-a-half minutes?
Marco	No. Seriously, let me go.
Tom	Please. Just wait a little longer.
Marco	What is wrong with you? I said let me go!
Tom	And I said wait! [As he says this his eyes glow red, he levitates and they are surrounded by a wall of fire]
	The sound of a whistle blowing. The white tiger, with a whistle in its mouth, gets off the seat and opens the mouth to take off its skin, revealing it to be Brian in a costume.
Brian	Sorry, Tom. That's an instant fail for you. Hey, you almost made it this time.
Tom	No, no! Wait, wait! You gotta give me a second chance.
Marco	Okay, seriously, what is going on here? [to Brian] Dude, I cleaned your litter box.
Brian	Well, Master Tom here was just about to earn his anger management graduation badge. All he had to do was spend three hours alone with the person he hated the most without blowing up.
Tom	But you, you had to be selfish. You could wait another four minutes and fifteen seconds! All you care about are your precious karate movie tickets. Well, guess what. [tears up tickets and sets the scraps on fire; Marco gasps] Mackie Hand movies are garbage.
Marco	Are you kidding me? You lied to me about being a Mackie fan, and pretended to be my friend so you could earn some badge? Dude, you're a jerk and a liar, and that's not even the worst part. I was dumb enough to fall for it! [kicks door open and exits carriage. Tom runs after him]
Tom	[panting] Marco, wait. I do like Love Sentence. That part wasn't a lie.
Marco	Too little, too late. Which is my second-favorite Love Sentence song, by the way.
Tom	♪ Oh, girl, you know I never mean to hurt ya ♪ ♪ When you're sad, you know I'd never desert ya ♪ ♪ Mm-mmmm, you were my angel ♪ ♪ My beautiful dove ♪
Brian	[playing keytar]
Marco	♪ We spiraled high on a gust of love ♪
Both	♪ And I knew right from the start ♪ ♪ Nothing could tear us apart ♪
Marco	♪ Till the day you broke my heart ♪ ♪ And now it's... ♪ ♪ Too little too late ♪ ♪ Ooh-oooooh ♪ [walks away]
	A blast of flame comes out of the ground.
Marco	What the – ?
Tom	[rising up on the flames, surrounded by demons; unintelligible chanting]
Marco	Yeesh, what a drama queen.
	The ground cracks open, and Marco jumps out of the way. More cracks form, spurting out lava, and then a coffin rises from the ground. Tom's flames and demons disappear, and he falls and crashes to the ground. The coffin glows and breaks open to reveal a skeleton in a karate uniform and is surrounded by a bright light. Marco looks on with sparkling eyes.
Marco	It's - it's [cut to undead Mackie Hand] Mackie Hand!
Mackie Hand	Oh-oh! I took quite a tumble there. How long was I out? I hope I didn't make us fall too far behind shooting schedule.
Marco	But Mr. Hand, [kowtowing] I can't believe it's really you.
Mackie Hand	Say, you must be the new PA. [shakes Marco's hand] Kevin, right? Nice to meet you.
Marco	[checking his pockets] Oh, my gosh. I wish I had something for you to sign.
Mackie Hand	Eh, don't sweat it. I gotcha covered. [pulls out one of his ribs with a grunt] Hold still. [signs Marco's forehead with rib] There you go.
Marco	Tom, I can't believe you brought Mackie Hand back from the dead just for me! That was that was cool of you.
Mackie Hand	Wait, I'm dead?
	Tom's carriage pulls up to the theater, and the three run up to an employee standing outside of the ticket booth.
Marco	Three for the Mackie Hand marathon, please.
Employee	[pointing at "SOLD OUT" sign] What does the sign say?
Marco	Wait, but [grabs Mackie by the wrist] do you know who this is? This is the Mackie Hand in the flesh.
Employee	[sighs] Look, nice costume, but no one gets in without a ticket. [puts his hand on Mackie's shoulder and pushes him away] Now shove off, grandpa, before I have to get physical.
	Mackie's hand turns 360 degrees. He glares at the employee and growls. He backhand punches the employee, who is thrown back. Action music begins to play.
Security guard	Hey! You!
	Security guards swarm around Mackie Hand, who fights them off. Tom and Marco are sitting onto the curb, eating cereal while they watch the fight. The shadows of Mackie and the security guards fighting can be seen on the pavement.
Tom	You were right. This guy's for real.
Marco	Yeah. I told you. ...I still don't like you, Tom.
Tom	I still don't like you, too, Marco.