Junkin' Janna/Transcript

	(theme song)
	Episode begins in Mewni's Garbage Island. Tom and Janna are on the beach. Tom is texting on his mirror phone. Janna shields her eyes from the sun.
Tom Lucitor	[texting throughout] J-Janna, um... Hold on one second. Let me get this. Uh... okay. Um, I just wanted to say that I— Oh. I... I wanted to say... thaaaa... thank you for bringing me along on your, uh...
Janna Ordonia	[looks at the fourth wall]
Tom	You know, I just... I don't know what to do with myself when Star is, um... Hold on, I got to... You know, when... when she's at one of her meetings. [chuckles] It's what it's like being in a serious relationship.
Janna	[walks away] Whatever.
Tom	[continues texting]
	Janna climbs on top of a large pile of garbage and finds something under a tarp.
Janna	It's on.
	Janna pulls the tarp away, revealing a giant metal boot.
Janna	Yeah, baby!
	Tom floats up to Janna's side and continues texting on his phone. His phone suddenly vibrates.
Tom	Oh. I got a call. [puts phone to his ear] Hello?
Janna	[speaking into her phone] You know, if you really want to have a life when you're away from Star, you might want to get off your phone. [turns phone off]
Tom	Oh. Yes, yes. Of course, right. I am here. Present and accounted for.
Janna	Now... Tom, hop in the boot.
Tom	Ta-da! [jumps into the boot] So, what exactly are we doing?
Janna	Boot sledding.
Tom	Wait, wait, wait. What?
	Janna pushes the boot toward the edge of the hill and jumps inside with Tom. The boot falls over the hill and slides downward the steep incline.
Tom	[screams]
Janna	[laughing]
	The boot bounces off a piece of sheet metal and flips through the air, with Tom screaming and Janna laughing the whole time. The boot comes to a stop at the bottom of the hill.
Tom	[panting] Okay. Hey, you know what? That was, uh... That was actually kind of fun.
Janna	Yeah, it was. Come on, let's push this thing to the top.
Tom	Wait, wait. One quick selfie for Star first. [opens his phone]
Janna	[annoyed] Yeah, okay.
	Tom takes a selfie with his phone. Scene cuts to the Bureaucracy of Magic; Star and Eclipsa are standing in the waiting room.
Star Butterfly	[using her phone, giggles] Oh, Tom.
Eclipsa Butterfly	[tapping her foot] This is so typical of the Magical High Commission. They tell me it's urgent, and then leave us waiting for 45 minutes. And there isn't even a place to sit down.
Star	Mm-hmm. Total power move.
Eclipsa	Sean!
Sean	[pops up behind security desk] Yes, ma'am! Would you like me to play you another song? [blows trumpet off-key]
Eclipsa	Oh, good heavens, no. Uh, please inform the Magic High Commission that I shall return on a day that they aren't so busy. Now come along, Star.
Sean	Uh, you should at least stay to... taste my donuts! [holding a plate of donuts]
Eclipsa	Oh, Sean, how very thoughtful. But I have a very serious gluten aller—
Sean	They're gluten-free.
Eclipsa	I also must avoid all dairy—
Sean	No cows were used in the making of these donuts.
Eclipsa	Salt.
Sean	Sodium-free.
Eclipsa	Molasses.
Sean	Nope.
Eclipsa	Guar gum?
Sean	Negatory.
Star	Oh, yummy! Sounds great, Sean. [whispers to Eclipsa] Just try one so we can get out of here.
Eclipsa	I can hardly wait. [gives a donut to Star] One for you, and one for me, darling. Cheers.
Sean	They're made with love.
Eclipsa	Goody. [takes bite out of donut, hacks and burps]
Sean	How much do you love it?
Eclipsa	[eyes watering] Oh, Sean...! [groaning]
	Star stuffs her donut in her pocket.
Eclipsa	[gulps] Full of... flavors.
Star	[pats her stomach] Mm-hmm, yeah. That was good, Sean.
Sean	Oh, I'm so glad. Have another!
Eclipsa	[distressed] Oh, dear...
	Scene cuts back to Garbage Island; Tom, Janna, and the giant boot are back at the top of the garbage hill.
Tom	Wow! Boot sledding! So much more fun than I thought it would be.
Janna	That's what I've been saying. If you want to have your own life when Star's not around, you got to—
	A crow flying overhead suddenly caws.
Janna	[narrows her eyes] Okay, here we go. [climbs into the boot] Tom, see that crow? Blast it.
Tom	Wait. W-Why? Why?
Janna	'Cause every time I find an awesome sled like this, he comes and takes it.
Tom	Uh, no. I'm not just going to blast some innocent bird.
Janna	[wiggles Tom's arms] Come on. Demon blast! Pew-pew!
Tom	[shoves Janna away] Stop it! No way that's happening!
Janna	Ugh! Then why'd I even bring you?
Tom	Hold on. Is this why you brought me here today? To blast a harmless bird?
Janna	We all have a purpose, Tom.
Tom	[looks hurt] Ouch.
	The crow flies down and scratches the back of Tom's head.
Tom	Ow! Hey!
Janna	See? That's the kind of behavior I'm talking about. Blast him!
Tom	For the hundredth time, I'm not gonna blast a bird!
	The crow flies high into the sky, then menacingly swoops down at Tom and Janna.
Janna	Oh, no, no. Go, go, go, go, go!
Tom	Wait! What are you—?
	Janna nudges the boot over the hill's edge, and it falls, with the crow chasing after.
Tom and Janna	[screaming]
	The boot crashes at the bottom of the hill.
Janna	[crawls out of the boot, sighs]
Tom	[panting] Okay.
Janna	Ugh. Why didn't you blast him when you had the chance?
Tom	Okay, look. I was having fun until you asked me to blast a harmless animal. And now, honestly, I'm... I'm starting to have regrets that I even came. [pouts and takes a selfie]
Janna	What are you doing?
Tom	Taking a "sad face" selfie. I want to share this disappointment with Star.
	Janna grabs Tom's phone and tosses it into the boot.
Tom	Hey! That's my compact!
	The crow lands on top of the boot, gives an odd hissing sound, and starts carrying it away in its claws.
Janna	You come back here with my boot!
	Janna grabs the bottom of the boot, and the crow carries both the boot and Janna into the sky. Scene cuts back to the Bureaucracy of Magic; Star has dozens of donuts stuffed into her pockets, and Eclipsa is green in the face with indigestion.
Sean	Since you liked all of those so much, you're just going to love my donut burger. It's a family recipe, going back to my great-great-grandmother Millie. She took a donut and a burger and made them one.
	The door opens, and Rhombulus, Hekapoo, and Omnitraxus Prime enter.
Rhombulus	Looked like a turnip with a feather stuck in it.
Hekapoo	No way!
Omnitraxus Prime	[laughing]
Eclipsa	Oh. How lovely— [gulps] —of you to join us.
	Star, Eclipsa, and the High Commission enter the meeting room.
Hekapoo	I apologize for keeping you waiting, but we had urgent matters to attend to.
Eclipsa	Hmm. Urgent matters? At the Corn Shake Shack?
	Rhombulus and Omnitraxus Prime are sipping corn shakes.
Rhombulus and Omnitraxus	Hmm?
	They quickly hide their cups in embarrassment.
Hekapoo	Look, Eclipsa, we hate being here as much as you do.
Rhombulus	Nuh-uh! I hate being here way more than she does!
Eclipsa	Oh, I highly doubt that.
Star	[takes picture of herself and Eclipsa]
Omnitraxus	Silence! We have extremely troubling news to report.
Star	[giggling] Oh, Tom, you are such a cutie patootie.
Omnitraxus	This is not a laughing matter.
Star	Okay, in my defense, I wasn't actually listening.
Rhombulus	You know, young lady, I have half a mind—
Star	HALF a mind? [laughs] No. I think you have more like an eighth.
Eclipsa	[giggles]
Omnitraxus	[laughs] Eighth of a mind.
Hekapoo	[laughs]
Rhombulus	All right, hand over the phone.
Star	[makes a Rainbow Fist] Why don't you come and get it, Trapezoidius?
Rhombulus	Oh, no, you didn't!
	Rhombulus freezes Star's phone in crystal.
Star	[gasps] Oh, no, YOU didn't! Oh, you're going down!
	Scene cuts back to Janna and the crow in the sky.
Janna	If you think I'm letting go, you're sorely mistaken.
Crow	[caws]
Janna	[looks worried]
	The crow lets go of the boot, causing it and Janna to fall.
Janna	Oh, no, no, no, no, no! Stupid bird! [screams]
	Tom flies up and catches Janna in his arms.
Janna	Tom, what are you doing?
Tom	Uh, saving you.
Janna	No, you're keeping me from my boot! [points at Butterfly Castle] Look, I need my boot, and you need your compact. Let's go get our stuff.
	Scene cuts back to Bureaucracy of Magic's meeting room. Star is sitting in a chair with her arms crossed. In the seat next to her, Rhombulus is covered in bruises with his left snake arm in a cast.
Rhombulus	[crying] It hurts so bad...
Omnitraxus	I will now yield the floor to Hekapoo, who has a matter of great importance to discuss.
Hekapoo	Thank you, Omnitraxus. We have discovered that someone in Mewni has been using extremely powerful magic spells that haven't been used for centuries.
Eclipsa	Is that so? Any idea who's been doing it?
Hekapoo	No, but we've been tracking it in order to find out where it's concentrated.
	Hekapoo uses a remote control on Omnitraxus to show a map of Mewni. Several red circles appear around Monster Castle.
Hekapoo	You know, if the source is going to turn out to be Monster Castle, you really could save us a lot of time.
Eclipsa	So you mean to tell me that you dragged us all the way here and bored us half to death just to ask me that?
Hekapoo	Well, yeah. That's... right.
Rhombulus	[simultaneously] Well, duh. I mean...
Omnitraxus	[simultaneously] Pretty much.
Star	Well, yeah. Between me, Glossaryck, Eclipsa, and Meteora, there are some pretty serious magic users in the Monster Temple.
Hekapoo	It's not Glossaryck, and no living queen has ever used magic like this.
Eclipsa	[sarcastically] Well, hasn't this been fun? I can hardly imagine a better way to spend an afternoon. Thank you for your hospitality, and I'll be sure to keep an eye out for any unusual magicking. [walks away] Let's go, Star.
	Scene cuts to Butterfly Castle. Tom and Janna find the giant metal boot on a pile of other junk.
Janna	Ah. So this is where he's been taking all my stuff. Come on, let's get it.
Tom	[holding Janna back] Hold on, let's... Let's think about this. This bird is NOT normal. He's super strong.
	The crow watches them from a crack in the wall.
Janna	No, he's just a dumb bird. This is what they do: take all the shiny stuff and dump it in their nest. Come on. [jumps over a wall] You want your compact, don't you?
Tom	[hovers over the boot, gasps, dives into the boot] Here it is! [cleans phone screen] Hmm. I've missed you, baby. [continues texting]
	Janna pushes the boot off the pile of metal.
Janna	[climbs into the boot] All right, let's get out of here.
Tom	I'm all for that.
	Tom shoots flames out of his feet to push them forward, but the boot suddenly stops moving.
Tom and Janna	[gasps]
Tom	What's going on?
	The crow stops the boot from moving with just one wing.
Tom	[gasps] What do we do?
Janna	Tom, you got to blast the bird.
Crow	[flaps his wings, caws]
Tom	I'm not gonna blast the bird!
	Flapping up into the air, the crow suddenly transforms, turning into a monstrous, over-muscular version of itself.
Crow	[shrieks]
Tom and Janna	[scream]
	Tom and Janna jump out of the boot as the crow perches on it. Janna falls backward onto the floor, and the crow approaches her.
Crow	[shrieks]
	The crow swings its axe-like beak down at Janna, and she barely dodges its attacks.
Janna	Uh, it's-it's fine! You know what? You can have the boot!
	The crow swings its beak at Janna once more, and Tom defends her by sacrificing his phone. The phone screen cracks into a dozenpieces.
Crow	[growls]
Tom	We got to get out of here! Run!
Crow	[shrieks, flaps its wings]
Janna	You got to blast him, Tom!
Tom	Yeah, yeah, okay, fine!
	Tom blasts fire at the crow, hitting its right eye.
Tom	[laughs] Yes!
	The crow glares at Tom and Janna. Its right eye is now white with a red scar across it, and the feathers around it are burned off.
Janna	Uh... you probably shouldn't have done that.
Tom	What are you talking about?! You've been telling me to blast him all day!
Janna	Come on, we got to get out of here!
	Tom and Janna run away. The crow perches on top of the boot. Scene cuts to Star's bedroom; Star removes her boot and dumps Sean's donuts out of it. Tom and Janna enter.
Tom	[giggles] Knock, knock.
Janna	Yo, what up?
Star	Well, look who it is. A guy who had a fun day.
Tom	Oh, yeah. We got up to some serious weirdness. I almost died!
Star	Aw, I didn't know you were actually gonna go out and do stuff. That makes you so much more attractive to me.
Tom	Oh, yeah. [flips up his jacket collar] I know how to make my own fun.
Janna	Yikes, man. You really shouldn't do that.
Tom	Hey, are those donuts?
Star	Wait, Tom! No-no-no-no!
Tom	(o.s.) [with mouth full] Oh, yeah! Tasty! Gluten-free?
	Cut back to Butterfly Castle; the monster crow carries the metal boot into another part of the castle. It transforms back to a normal crow and perches on Mina Loveberry's arm.
Mina Loveberry	Oh, Sebastian, my poor little baby. Did they hurt your eye?
Sebastian	[nods]
Mina	Well, don't worry. It was all worth it.
	Mina is shown assembling a giant suit of armor.