Lobster Claws/Transcript

	(theme song)
	Episode begins on Diaz Household exterior. Fighting is heard in the background.
Star Butterfly	(o.s.) Hiyaah!
Marco Diaz	(o.s.) Hiyaah!
	Bearicorn goes flying off-screen. Cut to the backyard. Marco fights Ludo's giraffe minion.
Giraffe monster	[growls]
Marco	Hiyaah!
	Marco kicks the giraffe monster in the throat.
Giraffe monster	[choked] My weak spot!
	Beard Deer sneaks up behind Star and grabs her.
Star	[screaming]
Marco	Star?
	Bearicorn and the frill-neck monster dogpile on Marco.
Ludo	Yes, yes! Now somebody grab the wand! Lobster Claws, you!
Lobster Claws	Oh, yeah, I got this! Go, red boy! Go, red boy! Go, red boy!
Ludo	Stop flexing your thorax and get it already!
Lobster Claws	This is happening now!
	Lobster Claws approaches Star...
Marco	[yelling]
Star	[yelling]
	...and grabs what he believes to be Star's wand.
Lobster Claws	Booyah! I got it! I got it! [laughing]
Ludo	What the?
Buff Frog, Bearicorn, and Three-eyed Potato Baby	[gasps]
Lobster Claws	You got clawed! [holding Beard Deer's left antler] Eww.
Beard Deer	Huh?
	Beard Deer notices his snipped antler and screams in pain, releasing Star. Star jumps into the air.
Star	Poison Crystal Cupcake Kiss!
	Star fires upon the monsters with cupcakes.
Ludo's army	[groaning]
Bearicorn	I love cupcakes! Ahh!
	Bearicorn opens his mouth to catch a cupcake. A cupcake hits him in the eye.
Bearicorn	[screaming, crying]
	Star blasts Ludo with cupcakes, knocking him off his flying bat.
Ludo	Oof! [sighing]
Star	That was fun! But we gotta go to school. Ooh, you're on my backpack.
Ludo	Here.
	Ludo hands Star her backpack, and Star and Marco leave.
Ludo	All right, morons. [opens dimensional portal] Walk of shame. You know the drill.
	Ludo's monsters groan in pain as they enter the portal.
Ludo	Oh, quit crying and rub some dirt on it!
	Lobster Claws approaches the portal, but Ludo stops him.
Ludo	Whoa-whoa-whoa, whoa, whoa. Where do you think you're going, hm?
Lobster Claws	Uh, back home to celebrate how close we came with my bros.
Ludo	After that performance?! You, sir, are a steaming pile of monster garbage! And... you're fired!
	Ludo enters the portal. Before the portal closes, Lobster Claws holds it open.
Lobster Claws	[laughing] Good one. You really had me going, boss.
Ludo	Ugh, you're even bad at getting fired!
Two-headed monster	I can't believe I was friends with him.
Buff Frog	(o.s.) What a loser.
	Beard Deer takes his antler back from Lobster Claws, and the portal closes.
Lobster Claws	[gasps, crying]
	Camera slowly zooms out from Lobster Claws on his knees. Cut to house interior hours later. Star and Marco enter.
Star	Earth history is so cool. Ben Franklin blowing up that kite monster with his electric lightning powers? Like, whoa.
Marco	Heh, yeah. That's not what happened.
Star	Hey, look.
	Camera shows Lobster Claws standing still in the backyard.
Star	[screams]
	Star and Marco run up to Lobster Claws. Star knocks him down and points her wand at him. Marco wields a frying pan.
Star	You want seconds on those cupcakes?!
	Pause.
Star	Um, this is the part where you fight back.
Lobster Claws	[sobbing] Blast me! Do it!
Star	[yelps]
Marco	Um... Are you okay?
Lobster Claws	Well, uh, the thing is... [sobbing] Master Ludo fired me! I can never show my face on Mewni again!
Marco	Oh, man. He's taking this really hard.
Star	This is probably just a monster trick.
Marco	I don't think he's faking it. We should do something.
Star	Like what?
Marco	I don't know. But we can't just leave him like this.
Star	Marco, why do you even care? He's a monster!
	Lobster Claws shakes a tree, and several squirrels scurry out.
Squirrels	[chittering]
Lobster Claws	[screaming]
Star	Monsters are the bad guys.
Lobster Claws	[holding a squirrel] I don't have to be bad. In fact, I've always secretly wanted to be good.
Marco	Really? Well, maybe we can show you how.
Star	What? That's crazy! Monsters... are... evil! It's just their nature.
Lobster Claws	No, it's not! Look!
	Lobster Claws sets the squirrel down on the ground.
Squirrel	[friendly chittering]
Marco	See?
Lobster Claws	Yeah!
	The squirrel's tail hangs out of Lobster Claws' mouth. Lobster Claws swallows the mouth.
Lobster Claws	See?
	Cut to moments later. The squirrel runs away in bandages and a neck cone.
Marco	Okay, Lobster Claws. The key to being good is "do unto others as you'd have them do to you."
	A guy on a bicycle rides by. Lobster Claws punches him. He falls over off-screen.
Lobster Claws	Like that?
Marco	Actually, that's 100% wrong and you want to do the opposite. Now say you're sorry.
Bicycle guy	That's all right! I landed on a sprinkler!
Lobster Claws	This is too hard. I'm never gonna get this.
Star	Yeah. You should just give up.
Marco	[laughing] Okay. Don't listen to her. Uh, the next time you get the urge to punch somebody, just imagine how it would feel if it happened to you.
Lobster Claws	I got the urge! ...Wow, that totally would've hurt.
Little girl	[sobbing]
Marco	Aww, what's wrong?
Little girl	My kitty's stuck in the twee.
Mr. Mittens	[meow]
Marco	Lobster Claws, this is your chance.
	Lobster Claws climbs up into the tree.
Little girl	[gasps] Careful with my Mr. Mittens!
	Lobster Claws climbs out of the tree with Mr. Mittens.
Lobster Claws	Ta-da!
Little girl	Thank you so much, Mr. Lobster Man!
Marco	I knew there was some good in him.
Mr. Mittens	[o.s., screeching]
	Mr. Mittens' tail hangs out of Lobster Claws' mouth.
Star and Marco	[yelps]
	Star and Marco retrieve Mr. Mittens from Lobster Claws' mouth.
Mr. Mittens	[meow]
Star	Now do you see what we're dealing with?!
Marco	Mr. Mittens is fine. No harm, no fou— [screams]
	The little girl's legs hang out of Lobster Claws' mouth.
Little girl	[muffled screaming]
Star and Marco	[yells]
	Cut to moments later.
Marco	Okay, that was my fault. I assumed you knew this, but... you can't eat children.
Lobster Claws	Really? Not even annoying ones?
Marco	Never!
Woman	(o.s.) Help! Help!
	A woman's house is on fire.
Woman	Help me! My baby is still inside!
Star and Marco	Your baby?!
Lobster Claws	Don't worry. Red boy's got this.
Marco	Wait!
Lobster Claws	And I'm totally not gonna eat it!
	Lobster Claws enters the burning house.
Star	Cotton Candy Fire Extinguish!
	Star puts out the fire with mounds of pink cotton candy.
Woman	My baby! Oh, my baby, my sweet baby... [runs up to a piano] ...grand piano! Were you scared? Tell me what you're feeling.
	The woman plays a single note on the piano, and it automatically plays "Camptown Races."
Woman	[singing] Camptown ladies sing this song, doo-dah, doo-dah
Marco	I was wondering where that piano music was coming from.
Star	Um, where's Lobster Claws?
	There's a hole in the house's back wall shaped like Lobster Claws. Star and Marco go behind the house and find Lobster Claws eating the contents of an ice cream cart.
Lobster Claws	[gurgling]
Marco	Well, he's not eating humans. That's a step forward.
	Cut to a town crosswalk. It turns from red to green. An old lady slowly crosses the street.
Marco	Okay, here's an easy one. Help the old lady cross the street.
	Lobster Claws scurries up to the old lady.
Lobster Claws	I'll help you, miss.
Marco	I'd say he's starting to get this.
Star	Well, I'm not taking my eyes off him for one sec—
Star and Marco	[screaming]
	Cut back to Lobster Claws, who has somehow set the city on fire. The old lady runs away as Lobster Claws holds up a car. The bicycle guy from before rides past wearing a flaming helmet.
Bicycle guy	[screaming] Where's a sprinkler?!
Lobster Claws	[screaming]
	Cut to Diaz Household some time later. Marco, Star, and Lobster Claws watch the news.
Newscaster	(v.o.) Tragedy today as a rampaging lobster man destroyed four city blocks.
	The TV screen shows Lobster Claws' monstrous image with the on-screen caption "CITY IN A PINCH!!!"
Newscaster	(v.o.) Miraculously, no one was injured, but one cyclist mourns the loss of his new bike.
Bicycle guy	Oh, it was our first outing together. Now I have nothing.
	Marco turns the TV off.
Marco	[laughing weakly] Yeah, you know how the news sensationalizes things. I still believe you can be good. But until then, I'm gonna find some rubber bands for your claws.
Star	[inhales to speak]
Marco	Save it. [walks off-screen]
Lobster Claws	Why is being good so hard?
Star	The problem is Marco's trying to make you something you're not. You're a vile, repulsive monster. Why fight it?
Lobster Claws	Yeah. I am repulsive. I shouldn't be helping humans. I should be hurting them. You in particular.
Star	And I wish I could just get back to smashing your face! Maybe there's a way we can both get what we want.
	Cut to the backyard. The bandaged squirrel from before picks up an acorn. Star sleeps on a hammock.
Star	[snoring]
	A dimensional portal opens, and Ludo appears.
Ludo	Shhh.
	Ludo and his army tiptoe out of the portal. Beard Deer's left antler is bandaged to his head. Just before Ludo takes the wand, Star wakes up.
Star	Ludo!
Ludo's army	Huh?
Star	I was just dreaming about kicking your butt!
	Inside, Marco comes down the stairs with two stuffed teddy bears.
Marco	I couldn't find any giant rubber bands, but... teddy bear mittens! Guys?
	Three-eyed Potato Baby crashes in.
Marco	[runs outside, yelps]
	Marco ducks under a laser beam.
Marco	Star!
	Star knocks the warthog monster back. She jumps into the air, and the two-headed monster bounces backward on her hammock. Star lands next to Marco and blasts the two-headed monster.
Marco	They're back?!
Star	[whispering] Yeah. I lured them here to get Lobster Claws his old job back. I'm gonna let him beat me up. Play along.
	Star blasts the giraffe monster.
Marco	What?! That's crazy!
Star	All right, Ludo, I got more than cupcakes this time!
	Pause
Star	Uh, I said, "I got more than cupcakes this time."
	Lobster Claws appears from behind a fence.
Lobster Claws	Go, red boy!
	Lobster Claws throws a punch that misses Star. Star staggers back.
Star	Ahh!
Lobster Claws	Booyakasha! Don't worry, boss. I got this. Raahhhh!
Ludo	"Boss"? [stammers] Didn't I fire you?
	Lobster Claws and Star pretend to fight.
Warthog monster	You know, he has gotten way better.
Buff Frog	Very impressed.
Three-eyed Potato Baby	[babbling]
Ludo	Yes, yes, I do see marked improvement. But I'd really be impressed if you would just GRAB THE WAND!
Star	[falls over, dramatic] He's defeated me! Ahhhh!
	Lobster Claws takes the wand.
Star	Hey!
Ludo	Yeeesss!
Star	[yelps]
Marco	[yelps]
	The wand cracks and turns from a purple form with white wings to a black-eye form with purple thorns. Lobster Claws' eyes turn black and purple.
Lobster Claws	[voice getting gravelly] What's... happening... to me?!
	Rocks and the bandaged squirrel levitate off the ground.
Lobster Claws	[growling]
	Beard Deer's left antler detaches and floats away.
Beard Deer	Oh, not again!
Lobster Claws	Being bad... feels so gooooood...!
Star	How could you do this?! I was trying to help you!
Lobster Claws	[growling] ...Huh?
	Lobster Claws' eyes return to normal. The wand changes to a crab-like form.
Star	Whoa!
Ludo	Don't listen to her. She's the enemy!
	Lobster Claws and the wand turn dark again.
Star	No, I saw the good in you! Don't do it!
	Lobster Claws and the wand turn normal again.
Ludo	Act like a monster and give it to me!
	Lobster Claws and the wand turn dark again.
Star	Lobster Claws! Please!
	Lobster Claws and the wand shift continuously between dark and normal.
Marco	Hiiii...yah!
	Marco runs up and kicks the wand out of Lobster Claws' pincer. The bandaged squirrel and rocks fall to the ground. Star catches the wand, and it returns to its purple white-winged form.
Ludo	Ugh! I always forget about that karate boy!
Star	Stardust Daisy Devastation!
	Star blasts Ludo and the monsters with a blast of magic pollen.
Ludo	[coughing] Retreat!
	Ludo's monsters retreat into a dimensional portal. Lobster Claws approaches the portal, but Ludo stops him again.
Ludo	Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa. YOU! You had the wand in the palm of your claws! ...What did it feel like?
Lobster Claws	It kind of tingled.
Ludo	I knew it! I'm so jealous! Can I touch your claws?! [rubs Lobster Claws' pincer] Niiiiice! After you!
	Lobster Claws enters the portal, and Ludo follows.
Marco	Don't do it, Lobster Claws! What about wanting to be good?
	Lobster Claws' pincer emerges from the portal to punch Marco.
Ludo	(o.s.) That's my monster!
Star	Huh. Marco, you were right. There was some good in him, after all.
Marco	[lying on the ground] Not much.