Marco Jr./Transcript

	Episode begins at the Diaz Household; music is heard inside. Star and Marco appear outside through a dimensional portal.
Marco Diaz	All right. We'll just pop in and pop out real quick, 'cause I've got that royal squire mixer this afternoon.
	A woman runs out of the house wearing a baby diaper on her head and a sash that reads "DIAPER QUEEN" and waving a baby diaper flag.
Woman	Aah! I caught the bouquet! I caught the bouquet! I caught the bouquet!
Star Butterfly	So... what kind of party is this?
Marco	[looking at stork statue] Bird... Bird Day? Bird Day? Is that a thing? Bird Day?
Star	Doesn't it say on the invite? [takes party invitation out of Marco's hand]
Marco	Star, I'm a squire of Mewni. I don't have time to read invites!
Star	Seems to be some kind of kid-washing party.
Marco	What?
Star	Yeah. A "baby shower".
Marco	I guess someone's having a baby.
Star	A dirty baby, it sounds like, seeing as to how they're gonna wash it.
Angie Diaz	Marco!
Marco	Hey, Mom. So, who's having the baby?
Angie	Can't you tell?
	Angie turns slightly to the side to reveal she's pregnant. Star excitedly bobs up and down.
Marco	[gasps] Mom?! You're gonna be... a mom?! When did this happen?!
Rafael Diaz	Oh, while you were out on Mewni. And you're going to be a big brother! [shows an ultrasound sonogram] Say hello to your hermanito – Marco Junior!
Star	[deep gasp] Oh-my-gosh, oh-my-gosh, oh-my-gosh, oh-my-gosh!
Marco	Wait, what? You're naming him Marco Junior?
Angie	After you.
Marco	That's not how it works! You don't name your son after your son!
Angie	[points at Marco Jr.'s mole] But he's got a little mole just like you, "Marco Senior".
Marco	Wow... A brother! How have I not heard about this until now?
Angie	It's okay. You've been busy. Point is, you're here today. Now, give your mom a hug!
Marco	Oh, yeah, okay. [gives Angie a weak one-armed hug]
Angie	[grimly] I spent thirty-seven hours squeezing you out of my body, and this is what I get?
Marco	Oh, I just didn't want to—
Angie	[threateningly] Give your mother a hug.
Marco	[nervously] Okay.
	Marco and Angie share a tight, warm hug.
Rafael	Now come on! We have a baby to shower!
	Scene cuts to house interior. Party guests mingle about and eat and drink food.
Star	[feels Angie's belly] Whoa! I felt him kick! We might have to find a spot for this little guy on the Mewni King's Guard!
Rafael	[laughs] No, I think stealing one of our sons is enough for now, Star.
Marco	[pushes Star aside] Oh, oh, oh! He's kicking? He's kicking?
Angie	[sarcastic] Why, yes, Marco, you may touch my stomach.
Marco	...I don't feel anything.
Angie	He must have stopped.
Marco	You think that's because he doesn't like me?
Angie	I think his brain is the size of a grape. Which reminds me, I'm gonna eat a bag of grapes before we open presents. [runs off-screen, panting]
Marco	Presents?
Star	Yeah, it was in that invitation you didn't read.
	Charlie Booth, disguised as Gustav, appears with a lot of baby presents.
Rafael	Oh, Gustav, you've outdone yourself again!
Marco	Oh, my gosh. I didn't get a gift for Marco Jr. I'm a terrible big brother.
Star	Shh-shh-shh-shh. Calm, Marco Sr. I know! Why don't we pop on over to Quest Buy and get him a little present?
Marco	Quest Buy? I don't know.
Star	Sure! Come on! [pulls Marco toward the front door]
Marco	Whoa!
Angie	[talking to Mrs. Morrison] Well, we were so lonely that we decided, "Hey, why not have a baby?" [sees Star and Marco leaving] Marco, where are you going?
Marco	Uh, I'm gonna, uh, run out and grab some ice for the party.
Rafael	But we have plenty of ice.
Marco	Yeah, but I'm gonna get fancy ice they harvest from a glacier.
Rafael	Oooh! Glacier ice!
Angie	Well, don't be gone too long. We'll be opening presents soon.
Marco	No problemo! [leaves]
Rafael	[tosses ice out of his cup] Get out of here, tap-water ice! You are not needed anymore!
Angie	Are you... just gonna hold your drink until Marco gets back?
Rafael	For glacier ice? I will wait.
	Scene cuts to Quest Buy.
Marco	Seriously?! None of this stuff is safe for a baby!
Star	How about Baby's First Hidden Poison Capsule?
	Star holds a pacifier that ejects a small cloud of poison.
Star	What's safer than not having enemies because you poisoned them all?!
Marco	I am not giving the baby a pacifier filled with magic poison.
Star	Well, there's always a gift card.
Gift Card	You have 8.5 minutes until expiration. [shoots laser]
Goblin	Aah! No! Aaah! Please! No!
Marco	No. This gift has to be the perfect reminder of me since I might not be around much.
Star	[gasps] Oh, I know!
	Scene cuts to a sign that reads "Atelier de Cobalt Ferrero, Mewni's Quality Painter".
Marco	"Atelier de Cobalt Ferrero". He... works in the basement?
	Star and Marco go down to the Quest Buy basement, where various art supplies are scattered around.
Star	Mr. Ferrero?
Cobalt Ferrero	What?
Star	[kneels down next to Cobalt] Oh, your portraitness.
Cobalt	Eh? What do ya want?
Star	My friend Marco here wants one of your legendary portraits.
Cobalt	[flies up to Marco] Is that right, Marco? [pokes Marco's face]
Marco	Yeah. I'm starting to think this is a bad idea.
	As Marco walks away, he bumps into a portrait of Rich Pigeon.
Marco	Oh! Rich Pigeon. Sorry, didn't see you there.
Star	Uh, Marco, that's a portrait.
Marco	What?!
Cobalt	That piece? Not even finished yet.
Marco	Wow! He's so real, I can almost smell him!
Cobalt	That's just the perch he posed on.
	A nearby bird perch is covered in bird poop.
Star	That's "fowl"! Get it? 'Cause he's a bird.
Marco	It's the perfect gift! A portrait that realistic, it's like I'll be there with my family even when I'm not!
Cobalt	I know, I know. I'm very talented. But we got a lotta work to do before the painting begins. I have to study you closely. I have to live with you, breathe with you, eat a lock of your hair. The process takes weeks, maybe months.
Marco	Can't you do something faster?
Cobalt	No! I never compromise my work.
Marco	[holding $650] 650 cash.
Cobalt	Sold.
	Cobalt gives Marco an exam booklet and Scantron sheet.
Cobalt	You need one of these things.
Marco	A Scantron?
Cobalt	[gives Marco a pencil] And one of these.
Marco	What? I don't have time for a pop quiz!
Cobalt	It's an "Essence Test", wise guy. The abridged version of me studying you for months.
Marco	"What kind of socks do you prefer with loafers? A: Tube socks. B: Ankle socks." How is this supposed to help with a portrait?! [sighs] Whatever. I don't have time for this. [humming]
	Marco quickly fills in bubbles on the Scantron sheet before finishing on question 200.
Marco	Uh, Mr. Ferrero? All done.
Cobalt	[takes Scantron sheet] Let's make some art!
	Marco sees his reflection in Cobalt's good tooth.
Marco	Let's.
	Cobalt paints Marco's portrait on a canvas. The passage of time is indicated by a clock.
Marco	[sitting on bird perch] C'mon, c'mon, c'mon! Time's running out, and my legs are asleep!
	Cobalt snaps his fingers. His assistant elves give him Marco's Scantron sheet and a bowl. Cobalt squeezes black liquid out of the sheet and into the bowl. He dips his hands in the liquid and flings it at the painting before wiping his hands on one of the elves' hat.
Cobalt	Mwah! She's done.
	Scene cuts back to the Diaz Household. The Morrisons leave the Diazes' party.
Mrs. Morrison	Bye! Great party! And, uh, congratulations!
	Star and Marco return.
Angie	Marco, what took you so long? You missed the whole party.
Rafael	Yes, and where is the glacier ice?
Marco	What? Oh! Uh, they were all sold out... of it.
Rafael	Oh. I see. [pours his juice on the ground]
Marco	I know I'm not always here, so I got Marco Jr. this gift to make up for it.
Angie	Aw, how sweet.
	Marco shows his parents the painting.
Angie	Aw, how nice. You got us a... [shocked] painting!
Rafael	Ohhh!
Angie	You paid money for that?
Marco	What are you talking about? Whoa-ho-ho!
	Marco looks at the painting. It looks overly detailed and absolutely hideous; Marco has misaligned eyes, long nose with exaggerated nostrils, big mole, crooked smile, and long chin. He also has long clasped fingers.
Marco	What the heck?! This doesn't look like me at all!
Rafael	It's like he got the proportions all wrong and then tried to fix it by adding more detail and more detail and more detail. But, Marco, it did not fix it.
Angie	Well, it was a nice thought.
	Marco looks disappointed and ashamed. Scene cuts to house interior, where Star and the Diazes have dinner together. Marco has the same expression as in the previous scene.
Rafael	And then just as I take off Marco's diaper, he pee-pees all over my shirt!
Star	[laughing]
Angie	[laughing] I remember. C'mon, Marco, I thought you loved it when Dad told stories about when you were a baby.
Marco	No, I'm fine.
Star	Uh, Marco, what's that on your face?
Marco	Huh? Oh. [wipes his face] Did I get it?
	When Marco moves his napkin away from his face, he suddenly has a longer chin.
Star	[stunned] Um... Yeah, no, no, not exactly.
Angie	Marco?
	Marco blinks, and his eyes fall slightly out of alignment. He also has exaggerated eyebrows, eyelashes, and nostrils.
Star	Your face! It looks like... [gasps] It looks like the painting!
Marco	Oh! Ha-ha, guys. I get it. The portrait stinks. But, you know, I was just trying to do something that Marco Jr. could remember me by when I was— [muffled]
	Marco's mouth suddenly freezes into a crooked smile.
Marco	[mumbling] [garbled] What's happening? What is happening?!
Star	Oh, I knew it was a bad idea to rush a magical portrait!
Marco	[mumbling angrily]
Angie	Marco, don't use that kind of language at the table.
Marco	[mumbles sadly]
Rafael	Oh! Maybe if we destroy the painting, it will break the spell.
	Scene cuts to outside the house.
Star	(o.s.) Laser Beam Blast!
	Star's magic reduces the painting to ashes.
Star	Anything?
	Marco's face remains unchanged.
Rafael	I think it's getting worse?
Marco	[mumbled] It's getting worse?!
Star	Well, guess there's only one thing left to do.
	Scene cuts back to the Quest Buy basement. Cobalt Ferrero is painting a minotaur woman's portrait.
Cobalt	Very nice. Now if you could just turn your cheek a little to the—
Star	Cobalt! Look what your painting did to Marco's face.
Marco	[distressed mumbling]
Star	It's getting worse!
Cobalt	The painting is just a reflection of his answers in the Essence Test, and if there's any discrepancies, the painting will adjust you to match the portrait. No extra charge!
Star	Okay, there's gotta be some way to fix this. We tried destroying the painting, but that didn't work.
Cobalt	True art can never be destroyed. [chuckles] You'll need to take the Essence Test again, and you must answer the questions truthfully.
	Cobalt gives Marco another exam booklet, Scantron sheet, and pencil. Before Marco can grab the pencil, his fingers straighten and become rigid.
Marco	[mumbling]
	Marco picks up the pencil with his frozen hands, but he quickly drops it. He slowly picks it up again...
Marco	[muffled] I got it! What the...?!
	...but then his arms fold into a rigid clasped pose.
Marco	[whimpering]
Rafael	Oh, no! He can't take the exam like that!
Angie	C'mon! Don't worry, we'll take the test for you.
Rafael	After all who understands the mind of a teenage boy better than his own parents?
Marco	Mrmpf!
	Marco suddenly turns flat like a canvas.
Rafael and Angie	[screaming]
Cobalt	[eating popcorn] He's becoming the canvas. You'd better hurry.
	Angie picks up Marco, moves him to the side of the table, and sits in his chair.
Angie	Okay! Question one: "Which do you prefer to ride? A: A bicycle. B: A unicycle. C: A tricycle. D: A dragoncyc—" Uh, what's a dragoncycle?
Rafael	I don't know.
Angie	Remember when Marco was little and had that red tricycle?
Rafael	He loved that!
Angie	That's it! The answer is C: tricycle!
	Star and Marco looking worriedly at each other. Star jumps onto the table in front of Angie.
Star	Mrs. Diaz, we don't have much time! We have to be really careful these answers are perfect!
Angie	That's what we're doing! [straining] If you could get off the... sheet!
	Angie pulls the Scantron sheet out from under Star and accidentally smacks Rafael in the face with it.
Rafael	Ay!
Angie	Sorry, dear.
Rafael	I am not bleeding. It is okay.
Star	That's great! [wrestling Scantron out of Angie's hands] But I don't know if your answers really capture the Marco of today.
Rafael	Of course not. The Marco of today is very frightening.
Marco	[whimpering]
Star	No, I just mean he... he's grown up.
Angie	Sure, but I know my own son.
Star	Sorry, but the answer is D: dragoncycle.
Angie	Marco?
Marco	[muffled, sadly] Um... Uh-huh.
Angie	Oh. I was wrong about my own son?
Rafael	This is sad.
Angie	Star, get this test done.
Star	All right, let's do this thing! Okay. "How old are you? A: 0 to 15. B: 16 to 25. C: 26 to 35." [fills in answer C]
Angie	Um...
Rafael	Hmm...
Star	You two have some catching up to do. Okay, "Have you ever worn a dress? A: Yes." "Do you prefer corn shakes or corn malts?" Malts, duh. Next question.
	Star fills in answers up to question 200.
Star	And... done!
	Star hurriedly gives the Scantron sheet to Cobalt, who squeezes black liquid out of it and pours it onto the portrait's ashes. Marco magically turns back to normal.
Marco	Huh?
Star	[hugs Marco] Oh, Marco, you're beautiful again!
Marco	Thanks, Star. [to his parents] Mom? Dad?
	Marco and his parents have a group hug.
Angie	I guess we have some catching up to do.
Rafael	My beautiful son is all grown up!
Marco	I should have visited more. I don't want Marco Jr. growing up without knowing who I am.
Angie	Visit anytime, sweetie. I mean, those scissors work both ways, right? Snip, snip?
Cobalt	This is a beautiful family moment. And I just happen to be runnin' a special on family portraits.
Marco	Uh... that'll be a no!
	(end song)