Match Maker/Transcript

	(theme song)
	Episode begins on exterior shot of Echo Creek Academy. Cut to interior on Star and Marco. Star tosses her magic wand up and down.
Marco Diaz	I like red, I like hoodies. So I bought a dozen of them.
Justin Armberg	(o.s.) Hey, it's that magic girl!
	A large group of students and the school janitor pass by Star and Marco, saying hello to Star.
Star Butterfly	Hi, new friends! Hi! Everyone's so cool here, Marco. It makes me wish my parents had tossed me out of the castle years ago.
Marco	Oh, you haven't even met the coolest guys.
	Cut to Alfonzo and Ferguson standing next to some lockers.
Marco	(o.s.) Alfonzo and Ferguson.
Alfonzo Dolittle	Quick, here she comes!
	Ferguson lifts up his shirt to reveal a face drawn on his stomach. A girl walks past and looks repulsed. Ferguson moves his stomach to make it look like it's talking.
Ferguson O'durguson	Hey, hey. Are those books? Where are you going with those books? Do you like to read—
	The girl slaps Ferguson's face, slaps his stomach's face, and walks away.
Alfonzo	Oh, dear.
Marco	They're usually cooler.
Star	I need to fix Ferguson up.
Marco	No.
	Star and Marco hear rolling wheels and look left. Jackie Lynn Thomas does a kickflip on her skateboard and rolls through the halls.
Marco	[o.s., gasps]
	Marco has hearts in his eyes.
Marco	Jackie Lynn Thomas!
	Jackie skates past Star and Marco.
Jackie	Hey, Star Butterfly!
Star	Hi, Jackie! [gasps] I need to fix you up.
Marco	What?!
Star	Oh, come on. I'm almost as good at matchmaking as I am with magic.
	Star accidentally blasts Marco's face with magic, leaving him with a burnt face and frizzy hair with a bald spot. One strand of hair is on fire.
Marco	I'm good.
	Scene transitions to the classroom. Star draws on her desk.
Star	Look-look-look-look-look! It's my name! It's my name! With a star inside a butterfly and two hearts. And a spider.
	Miss Skullnick slams a test paper on Star's desk, and she looks monstrously annoyed. She hands out test papers to the rest of the class.
Skullnick	As you can see, class, most of you have done a pathetic job.
Star	Not me! I got an "F" for "fantastic"!
Marco	That's an "F" for "fail".
Star	Huh?
Marco	What? You don't have tests on Mewni?
Star	Uh... So what grade did you get?
Marco	[holds up his test paper] Only the best grade you can get: A-plus with a smiley face.
Star	Ooh... I want the best one too!
	Star walks up to Miss Skullnick. Marco tries to stop her and fails.
Marco	Wait, don't!
	Miss Skullnick writes on the chalkboard.
Star	[o.s., sing-songy] Oh, Miss Skullnick!
	Miss Skullnick crushes the chalk in her hand and turns to Star with a growl.
Star	Hey, Skullzy! Can you please do me a teeny favor and turn my "F" into an "A"?
Skullnick	You're whining about a lousy grade? I finally got a guy with a boat, and he left me at the dock!
Star	The dock?
Skullnick	The dock isn't the important part!
	Star nibbles on her wand.
Skullnick	I guess I'm doomed to dry land.
Star	I got it! I'll cast a spell to get you the perfect guy, and you can give me the perfect grade.
Skullnick	What?!
Star	Man Magnet...
Skullnick	Wait!
Star	...Love Storm!
	Star transforms Miss Skullnick into a hideous green-skinned troll.
Students	[gasps]
Marco	Star, what did you do?!
Star	I-I think I turned her into a troll.
Student	Wha...?
Justin	Star Butterfly rules!
Students	[cheering]
Skullnick	[screams] I'm hideous!
Marco	Quick, change her back!
Star	Oh, okay, yeah, right! [laughing nervously] Okay, yeah... Lightning Change Back!
Skullnick	[screams]
	Star, Marco, and Miss Skullnick vanish from the room.
Students	[gasps]
	Star, Marco, and Miss Skullnick magically reappear in Star's bedroom at the Diaz Household. Skullnick screams and runs up and down the room.
Star	Huh. Where are we?
Marco	You just zapped us back to the house!
Star	Ohhhh... I wish I knew how I did that. It could really come in handy if I don't feel like using my legs.
	Skullnick appears close to the camera and screams again. Camera pans left to Buff Frog watching from outside the window.
Buff Frog	[laughing evilly]
	Cut to exterior shot of Ludo's castle. Inside, Buff Frog jumps out of a dimensional portal and salutes Ludo.
Buff Frog	Ludo, master. Star Butterfly has come home from school early today and she seems... distracted.
	Ludo licks an ice cream cone.
Ludo	Distracted? Excellent! This is the moment I've been waiting for.
	Ludo's ice cream falls off of the cone, and Bearicorn puts it back.
Ludo	No one's at their best when they're... distracted! [laughing] Finally... [drops his ice cream cone] I'll get my hands on that glorious wand!
	Ludo imagines holding the wand.
Ludo	(v.o.) When it transforms, it'll match my hat!
	The wand magically changes from a purple form with white wings to a skull form with black wings.
Ludo	(v.o.) And I'll get my big boy body! [laughing]
	Imagination Ludo suddenly grows into a large, hulking form. He terrorizes Mewni by zapping everything with magic.
Ludo	(v.o.) Kick down the tower. Zip, zap, zip-zip, zip, zap! And... I'm a lifeguard!
	Imagination Ludo is suddenly in a hot spring surrounded by buxom beauties. Cut back to Ludo's throne room. Ludo imagines giving CPR.
Ludo	One, two, three... [blowing]
Bearicorn	Is that CPR?
Ludo	Silence! ...Yes. Unfortunately, I was too late.
	Scene transitions back to Star's bedroom. Miss Skullnick is tied to a chair. Her uncontrollable sobbing makes a large puddle on the floor.
Star	Please don't cry, Miss Skullnick.
Marco	Star, we can't keep stalling. You're gonna have to call your mom. She'll know how to reverse the spell.
Star	[gasps] No! I can't ask for help! If my parents find out about this, they're gonna send me to...
	Thunder strikes. Cut to exterior shot of St. Olga's Reform School for Wayward Princesses.
Star	(v.o.) St. Olga's Reform School for Wayward Princesses!
	Cut to interior; Star is strapped to an operating table with her hair tied back and the words "CUT HERE" and a dotted line drawn on her forehead. A demonic-looking surgeon appears before Star. He has a buzzsaw for a left hand, and his right hands holds a scalpel.
Star	(v.o.) It's a terrible, horrible place, and no one who goes there ever comes out the same! [screams]
	Cut back to Star still screaming. After a few seconds, she stops.
Marco	Is it all out yet?
Star	Almost. [screams] Okay, I'm done.
Marco	Look, Star, you just need to get the information without letting her know what's going on. You know, dance around the truth.
Star	I'm a great dancer!
	Star dances as she goes up to a curtain. She pulls the curtain back to reveal her interdimensional mirror.
Star	Mirror, mirror on the wall... Call Mom.
Mirror	Calling Tom.
Star	W-W-W-W-W—
	Tom appears on the mirror's surface.
Tom	Star!
Star	No. No.
Tom	W-Wait! You're here, I'm here—
Star	I said "call Mom", not Tom.
Tom	No! Star! [in demonic voice] DON'T HANG UP!
	Star presses a button on the mirror, and Tom's image vanishes.
Star	I really gotta delete him off my mirror.
	Queen Butterfly appears on the mirror's surface.
Queen Butterfly	Oh, Star, darling, what a pleasant surprise!
Star	So, Mom... let's just say that someone accidentally turned someone into a troll with the wand. Not that I would do that, no, because that would be completely irresponsible—
	There's a loud crash and scream off-screen. Marco dashes across the screen.
Queen Butterfly	Star, what is going on?!
	Star quickly closes the curtains.
Star	Gotta go, bye! What happened?!
	Marco stands next to a large hole in the wall.
Marco	She jumped out the window!
	Miss Skullnick, still tied to a chair, runs across the house yard. Marco tackles her to the ground. Star lands on top of Marco.
Star	Wow, good job, Marco.
Ludo	[o.s., mocking] "Wow, good job, Marco."
	Camera pans left to reveal Ludo and his army of monsters.
Star	Ludo! What are you doing here?
Ludo	Catching you at your most distracted!
Star	What? I have been way more distracted than this.
Ludo	I don't know. You seem... pretty distracted.
Star	Nah, not really.
Ludo	Oh, well... What's that over there?!
Star	What?! Where?!
Ludo	Get her!
Ludo's army	[roaring]
Star and Marco	[screams]
	Marco and Star run away. The monsters chase after them, trampling over Miss Skullnick in the process. Ludo climbs up his giraffe minion's neck and jumps onto the back of a flying bat creature. As the monsters approach Star and Marco, Star jumps into the air.
Star	Dagger Crystal Heart Attack!
	Star fires a volley of hearts from her wand.
Star	Feel the love!
	The monsters fly backward with hearts stuck in their bodies. Marco faces down Bearicorn, Big Chicken, and Three-eyed Potato Baby.
Marco	I'm obligated to warn you...
	Marco ties a white band around his head.
Marco	...I'm a green belt. With a stripe.
	The monsters fake being scared. Marco picks up a rake and spins it around. He smacks Bearicorn and sweeps Three-eyed Potato Baby's legs and strikes his face with the rake end. Big Chicken attacks Marco from behind and pecks at him continuously.
Marco	Ow! Hey! Ow, ow! Owww!
	Marco kicks Big Chicken in the beak and knocks him over. Emmitt appears behind Marco and cracks his knuckles. Buff Frog throws a punch at Star. She dodges and bites Buff Frog's arm.
Buff Frog	[pained yelling]
	The crocodile minion snaps its jaws at Star, misses, and smacks her tail with its tail. As Star flies backward, she spins around and strikes a three-eyed minion with her wand, making a large bump on his head. Emmitt puts Marco in a headlock and continuously punches his stomach.
Marco	Ow! Oww!
Star	Rainbow Blast!
	Star blasts Emmitt with a rainbow beam. As Miss Skullnick stands up, Emmitt flies into her, knocking them both down.
Emmitt	[incoherent babbling] Ohhh...
Skullnick	Uhhh...
	Emmitt and Miss Skullnick look at each other with hearts in their eyes.
Star	Narwhal Blast! Narwhal Blast! [looks at Emmitt and Miss Skullnick] Awww... Narwhal Blast...
	Star smiles at Emmitt and Miss Skullnick while blasting Beard Deer without looking.
Emmitt	[incoherent babbling, chuckling]
	Emmitt returns to the battle as Marco fights the giraffe minion and Big Chicken in the background.
Emmitt	[incoherent babbling]
	Miss Skullnick looks lovestruck. Marco continues fighting the giraffe minion, Buff Frog, and Three-eyed Potato Baby. Star pops in from off-screen.
Star	Hey, Marco, you can handle this for a minute on your own, right?
Marco	Oh, yeah. No problem.
Star	Cool, thanks!
	All of Ludo's monsters appear behind Marco.
Marco	Wait...
	Marco turns around.
Marco	[screams]
	The monsters all pounce upon Marco. Miss Skullnick tries climbing over a fence.
Star	[sing-songy] Oh, Miss Skullnick!
Skullnick	What?
Star	See that monster over there?
	Emmitt lifts Marco up and tosses him.
Star	He thinks you're cute.
Skullnick	Really? [climbs off the fence] Ooh! What should I do?
Star	Wait right here.
	Emmitt stands over Marco and is about to draw a sword. As Star enters, Marco crawls away in pain.
Star	Hey there, monster guy. See that troll over there?
Emmitt	[excited babbling]
	Emmitt runs up to Miss Skullnick as Star watches. Behind her, Ludo and his army chase Marco.
Marco	Star!
Ludo	Get him! Get him!
Star	Hey, guys! I think you forgot something.
	Star's wand glows yellow. The monsters stop chasing Marco.
Ludo's army	Huh?
Ludo	Get the wand!
	The monsters run up to Star.
Star	Thermonuclear Butterfly Blast!
	Marco, Ludo, and Ludo's monsters all scream in terror on a seven-way split screen.
Ludo	Not again!
	A loud explosion covers the yard in rainbow light and butterflies. Screen briefly fades to white. Fade in on Star, looking surprised, surrounded by unconscious monsters and small fires. Ludo falls out of a tree.
Star	Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
	Marco is covered in soot and butterflies.
Marco	[whimpering]
	Ludo shakes an unconscious Beard Deer.
Ludo	Get up! Get up!
Star	Told you I wasn't distract— Wait, did I just kill that guy?
Ludo	No, he's not dead. He's probably just bleeding internally and being a total baby about it!
	Ludo kicks Beard Deer in the head.
Ludo	Stupid wuss...
	He opens a dimensional portal.
Ludo	Get up, you dipsticks!
	Ludo's monsters stand up, groaning in pain and covered in bruises, and shuffle toward the portal.
Skullnick	(o.s.) Ooh, you're so muscly...
	Marco and Star look back toward Emmitt and Miss Skullnick.
Marco	Bleh!
Star	Ooh!
Skullnick	[amorous noises]
Star	So... now that I hooked you up, how about that "A"?
Skullnick	Honey, please! I'd give you an A-plus if I was still a teacher. I'm setting sail with Captain Triceps here. [chuckling]
Emmitt	[excited babbling]
Star	What about my "A"?!
Skullnick	Try studying.
Marco	[imitating a sad trombone] Wah-wahhh.
	Cut to Echo Creek Academy classroom.
Star	So anyway, long story short, Skullnick ran off with this weird man-bull guy thing to another dimension, and now she is gone forever.
	Camera zooms out to show Miss Skullnick's empty desk.
Justin	Star Butterfly rules!
Students	[cheering]
	Students crowd around Star, shoving Marco aside.
Jackie	Wow, Star, that is so rad, girl!
Star	Thanks! But actually...
	Star pulls Marco into the middle of the crowd and in front of Jackie.
Star	...It's Marco who deserves all the credit.
Jackie	Really? That's awesome!
Marco	[blushing, chuckles nervously]
Students	[cheering, "You're awesome, man!"]
	Marco and Star smile at each other. There's a bright light and scream off-screen. A dimensional portal opens over Miss Skullnick's desk, and Miss Skullnick falls through, smashing the desk. The portal closes.
Students	[gasps]
Marco	Miss Skullnick?
Skullnick	He dumped me. I think. I don't know. I couldn't understand a word he was saying!
Star	Welcome back, Skullzers.
Skullnick	Get ready for the worst pop quiz of your lives!
Students	[groaning]
	Jackie looks at Marco disapprovingly before walking away.
Marco	[whimpering]
	Justin kicks Marco's desk away from his, and Marco sits down.
Star	[whispering] Sorry, Marco. I didn't mean to embarrass you in front of Jackie.
Marco	[whispering] Are you kidding?! That's the most she's ever talked to me!
Star	[gasps] Then that means I'm even better at matchmaking than I am with magic!
	Star accidentally blasts Marco's face with magic, giving his head butterfly wings and antennae. One of his antennae is on fire. The butterfly wings briefly flap. Star tries to blow the fire out.