Mr. Candle Cares/Transcript

	(Theme song)
	Episode begins inside Echo Creek Academy, at the Guidance Counselor's office
Oskar Greason	Mr. Candle said I'm gonna be a musician.
Chet	Sweet. I got champion swimmer. I was gonna get dressed, but now I don't need to.
Marco Diaz	Wow. Everyone's getting really awesome careers.
Star Butterfly	I can't wait to find out what my future holds. [nervous laughter]
Mr. Candle	Star Butterfly. Please sit
Star	Okay
Candle	Help yourself to some candy.
Star	No, thank you. I'm just really excited to have my fortune told. How do you do it? Read palms? Converse with the dead? Examine head lumps?
Candle	Nope. Just normal guidance counselor stuff. Have you given much thought to your future?
Star	Totally. When I grow up, I wanna raise warnicorns [spawns a warnicorn]
Candle	Well, that seems like a fun hobby but you might not have much time for hobbies as the queen of Mewni.
Star	[warnicorn neighs] Queen?
Candle	I may not know your fortune, but your future is set in stone.
Star	Stone?
Candle	Are you dating anyone?
Star	What? Uh, no.
Candle	What about that Marco boy? Got a secret crush on him?
Star	He's my roommate. We're just friends.
Candle	Yeah, that's weird to date your roommate. Maybe someone else then. It's never too early to start searching for the future king of Mewni.
Star	Maybe
Candle	Cheer up Star. Or should I say, Your Majesty?
Star	Hmm.
	Star leaves the counseling office
Marco	So how'd it go? [Star walks by him] Or we can catch up later.
	Marco is now in the counseling office.
Candle	Mr. Diaz. I've been very anxious to speak to you.
Marco	Seen my test scores, have you?
Candle	Indeed.
	Sometime later
Marco	Garbage Island⁈ What's the use of taking honors classes if it gets you sent to the middle of nowhere?
Star	So don't go. At least you have a choice. Apparently, the only thing in my future is being queen.
Marco	Oh, man, I'd love to be queen. You never have to think about what to wear; you have somebody do that for you.
Star	[groans]
Marco	People would just love you because they have to, no matter how weird you are.
Star	[groans]
Marco	You never have to bathe alone.
Star	Marco, please stop talking.
	Mr. Candle visits the men's restroom
Marco	Head janitor, Garbage Island.
Star	[sighs]
	Marco enters the restroom and hears a plopping sound
Marco	I'll come back later.
	A fiery explosion in one of the stalls causes Marco to investigate. He finds that it's caused by Candle dumping some mysterious substance into the toilets.
Candle	All right sir, phase one is complete. What's next? Sir, are you there?
	Tom's face appears in the toilet's water
Tom	You idiot! You forgot the most important part. Me!
Candle	I got confirmation. Starco is completely platonic.
Marco	Starco?
Tom	Make sure there's no possibility of them ever being a thing.
Candle	Absolutely, sir.
Tom	Also, stop offering everyone candy. You're gonna blow my cover. I want her back.
Candle	I gotta go.
Tom	I'm not done.
Candle	No. You don't understand. [puts his hands over his pants] I gotta go.
Tom	Flush me first.
	Later, Mr. Candle enters his office whistling
Marco	Hey Mr. Candle.
Candle	[startled] Oh, hello Marco.
Marco	I appreciate all your guidance with Garbage Island and all, but I'm gonna pass [crumples Garbage Island flyer and throws it into the trash can but he misses]. Actually, I was just thinking I might be king of Mewni.
Candle	[spluttering his drink] What⁈
Marco	The thing is, Star and I have recently become smooch buddies. On the lips.[the candy bowl cat's eyes stop moving and stares at Marco. Ticking also stops
Candle	[with a nervous expression, looking briefly at the candy cat] Even if that's true kid, you shouldn't say that out loud.
Marco	Yeah, we've been trying all styles. German, Italian, Polynesian. My tongue is so tired, I can't feel my teeth.
	The cat-shaped candy bold glows red at the face and explodes into a pillar of flame, revealing an enraged Tom.
Tom	[ferocious growl]
Marco	Busted. I knew you weren't a guidance counselor. [points at Mr. Candle when his cover is blown]
	Tom grabs Marco by the collar to take him to the underworld.
	At the Diaz's house, Star reads a magazine about being a queen.
Star	Oh. These women look so miserable. [sighs heavily, goes to her mirror]
Mirror	Calling Mom
Queen Butterfly	What did you do?
Star	What... nothing! Yet. I'd like to ask you something. Are you happy?
Queen	Happy? What difference does that make?
Star	I mean, I don't know. Do you have any warnicorns?
Queen	Goffrey, do I have any warnicorns?
Goffrey	You have 19, Your Majesty.
Queen	Oh. Apparently I have 19.
Star	Oh, sweet.
Queen	But when you are queen, you don't have time for warnicorns.
Star	Oh.
Queen	Everything I'm saying is in your guide book. Incidentally, you may want to review the chapter on hair care.
Star	[brushes her hair sadly]
Queen	If you're going to be queen, you have to look the part. Don't worry so much about happiness. It makes you look pale. Love you. Bye.
	Star stares comprehensively at her guide book for a while
Star	Hmm.
	She smiles as she gets out a hair trimmer and turns it on
	The scene switches back to Marco, now in Tom's lair. He is being vertically spun on some kind of torture device.
Marco	Stop! I knew you were listening. I never made out with Star.
Tom	[snaps; the wheel stops spinning]
Marco	I just said that to get your goat.
Skull on wall	what?
Tom	You lied to me.
Marco	Well, you lied to Star. You made her think all she's good for is being queen.
	Tom frowns and walks away from Marco
Marco	Dude, just take me home.
	Tom snaps again, which releases Marco in to a tub of water.
Tom	I can't do that; you know too much. Now I gotta destroy you.
Marco	What⁈ That's not fair.
Tom	All right, fine. Battle to the death. I win, you die.
Marco	What do I get if I win?
Tom	[laughs] It's not gonna happen. So, yeah, ask for whatever you want.
Marco	If I win, you gotta take me home, and you gotta tell Star the truth.
Tom	Fine. Pick your weapon. Dueling battle axes? Rhino fiend joust? Pear grenades of anguish?
	A pear shrieks and explodes.
Marco	[pointing elsewhere] What about ping-pong?
Tom	[shrugs] That's cool.
Small-headed demon	[holds out a basket full of paddles] Your weapon of choice, my liege.
Marco	I oughta warn you, I'm not only a karate master, I'm also good at ball sports.
	Marco serves the ball to Tom, who smacks it so hard that it breaks Marco's paddle and injuries his hand.
Marco	Ow!
Demon	Point, Master Tom.
Marco	[grabs another paddle] Okay, so I'm a little rusty. Wait till you... hi-yah!
	Marco surprise serves the ball, Tom smacks it and once again breaks Marco's paddle.
Marco	Owww!
	Scene switches back to Star. She tears a poster of a queen off the wall, puts on eye liner, lipstick, skull stickers, spiked arm bracelets. She also intentionally tears her pants and grabs a battle axe.
	Scene returns to Marco's ping-pong game.
Demon	Game point.
	Tom serves the ball rather slowly
Marco	[swinging furiously] In your face!
	Tome easily bounces the ball back, and it smacks Marco in the forehead.
Marco	Ow! Ugh! Since when do ping-pong balls hurt so much?
Tom	These balls are guided by demons.
Marco	Okay. Let's play for real this time. Double or nothing.
Small-headed demon	Dude, you're out of paddles, just give up.
Tom	No, it's fine. Here, you can have mine [throws it at Marco]
Marco	Ugh!
Tom	I don't need it [levitates ball with finger]
	Marco ducks as the ball barely misses his head and cause a huge dent in an arcade machine.
Marco	Hey! Isn't this kind of cheating?
Tom	You think this is cheating? You should try playing Star at ping-pong.
Marco	Well, Star doesn't really cheat, she just makes up her own rules.
Tom	And then she changes the rules again halfway through the game.
Marco	Oh, so that's why I never win.
Tom	She just does whatever she wants.
Marco	Yeah, that's Star.
Tom	Yeah. She is kinda awesome. [brief silence] You know you're never gonna win, right?
Marco	I know, but you're not either. It doesn't matter if you beat me at ping-pong or pull out all my organs. You can't make Star be your girlfriend unless she wants to.
	Scene changes to the Diaz's house. A torrent of flame delivers Marco back.
Marco	Star, I have something to tell...
	Marco notices Star has totally changed her appearance to be more punk.
Marco	Whoa.
Star	Oh hey Marco. Did you know that if you cut off a mermaid's tail, you can never be queen? It's all in the guide book.
Marco	Star, you don't have to do that.
Star	Oh, thank goodness. I'm so sorry Tiffany; I never wanted to hurt you.
Marco	Shameful [Tom walks in].
Star	Tom! What's going on?
Tom	I have something I need to confess. I used Mr. Candle to try to get back together with you, and it took me destroying Marco 58 games to zero to realize I was wrong. Like, I slaughtered him. I mean, beating him was so easy.
Marco	Okay, she gets it.
Tom	All I wanted was to get you back, but I never stopped to consider what you wanted. I'm sorry.
	Star smile and punches Tom aggressively in the chest.
Tom	Ow!
Star	You tricked me, but it doesn't even make a difference. I'm still gonna be queen.
Marco	Yeah, but that doesn't sound like a bad thing because you're gonna run Mewni your way, no matter how destructive.
Star	That's true [throws the guide book away and creates another warnicorn, hugs Marco]
Demon	Point, Marco.
Tom	[Sadly] Well, I should go. by the way, I like your hair.
	Star smiles, Tom levitates himself back in to the elevator, descending down to the underworld.
Star	So you guys were hangin' out?
Marco	Uh, yup.
Star	Is he still dark and broody?
Marco	Oh yeah, but he's not so bad.
	Scene changes back to the counseling office
Candle	No Brittany, I don't believe your life has peaked at such a young age.
Tom	[burst in to room via flame] Dude, abort the mission; we're done.
Candle	[whistles, opens window, and flies away on a file cabinet]