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(theme song)
Episode begins outside Star's bedroom; the mail delivery monster girl from "Ransomgram" knocks on her door. The door opens.
Mail Monster Hello, Star Butterfly! I have a special delivery for—
Star Butterfly Oh, no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no! Rainbow Fist Punch!
Star sends the monster girl flying with a Rainbow Fist.
Mail Monster [grunts]
Marco Diaz Star, why did you just punch that lady?
Star Uh, that is the ransomgram lady. She's here to ransom us.
Mail Monster [on the ground] No. I also deliver the mail sometimes. This is just mail.
Star Oh. Sorry! [takes mail from monster girl]
Mail Monster [dusts herself off] No, it's fine. People, uh... People do that—
Star Okay, thank you, bye! [closes bedroom door] Oh, no!
Marco What is it?
Star [shows Marco the letter] Quest Buy is closing! They're having a Going Out of Business sale right now!
Marco Quest Buy is closing? [gasps] Yes! Yes! Yes! Yeah! All right! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! All right! [dancing] Uh-huh. Uh-huh. All right! [screams enthusiastically] Yeah! Oh! [victory pose]
Star [stammering] What are you so happy about?
Marco This is the Going Out of Business sale! That means Quest Buy is closing down forever. It's, like, the happiest day of my life. I hate Quest Buy.
Star Yeah, but what happens, say, if something happens to your wallet? If there's no Quest Buy, you can't get another one!
Marco Wait, you mean my dab-coat, bad-lad, bad-2-da-bone, tri-tone, triple-locking, thumbprint-activated-surity security wallet in Prussian blue?
Star Oh, yeah, baby.
Marco Which I purchased on a previous trip to Quest Buy?
Star Uh, yeah, baby!
Marco Based on the rate of decay, if I'm gonna live to be a hundred, I'm gonna need... [whispering] one, two, three, four, five, six... sixteen of these things! We gotta go to Quest Buy.
Janna [appears next to Marco] Classic Diaz, doin' the math. [takes Marco's wallet]
Marco What?! Janna?!
Star [opens dimensional portal with dimensional scissors, gasps] Janna!
Janna So, are we doin' this thing or what?
Marco Wait! W-W-Wait a second! H-How did you get here?
Janna [chuckles] Wouldn't you like to know?
Marco Yeah, I would like to know. That's why I asked the question.
Star [pushes Marco toward portal] No one cares, Marco! The important thing is Janna's here! Let's go, guys!
Marco Fine. But we're gonna come back to this.
Star tries to push Marco and Janna into the portal, but something pushes back.
Star Huh? [straining]
Marco It's... It's like there's something—!
Star Come on, Diaz! Suck in that gut! [straining]
On the other side of the portal, Star, Marco, and Janna arrive in an overly crowded Quest Buy.
Customers [shouting indistinctly]
Star Oh, my gosh. What is going on? This is crazy!
Sloth [over P.A. system] Attention, customers. Don't miss our Going Out of Business sale.
Star and Marco are carried away by the crowd.
Marco Uh, this is way more people than I'm comfortable with!
Star Wait. Head count. Where's Janna? Janna! Where are you?
Janna [gets carried away in opposite direction] I'm good, I'm good. Yeah, and, uh, don't wait up!
Talon Raventalon runs across an aisle, screaming and throwing boxes of bird seed and a couple of other customers into his shopping cart. Johnny Blowhole and a horned, hairy man fight over a Man Mower-brand electric razor.
Hairy Man That's my Man Mower, ya porpoise!
Johnny Blowhole [dolphin chirping]
Star [looking from top of a shelf] Okay, Marco, let's just grab your sixteen wallets and get outta here. Okay, right there!
Marco shoves through the crowd of customers to reach the display of wallets and coin purses.
Marco Wallets!
The entire display is empty.
Marco [sighs] Bye-bye.
Star Oh, look! More wallets right over there!
Customers [gasp]
A sloth employee appears pushing a cart with more wallets on it. The customers shove past Star and Marco and ambush the sloth. All the wallets are taken, and the sloth is reduced to a skeleton.
Marco [groans] We're never getting these wallets.
Janna (o.s.) Do you ladies need help with anything?
Janna appears wearing a Quest Buy employee shirt and the nametag of an employee named Stu.
Star Janna, who's Stu?
Janna Who's Janna?
Skeleton Uh... what do I do?
Janna You're fired.
Skeleton [walks away]
Janna Ugh, I'm doing him a favor. Come on, let's go!
Janna leads Star and Marco to the stockroom entrance, and Star turns on the lights.
Star Whoa.
The stockroom entrance has multiple "KEEP OUT" and "DO NOT ENTER" signs, stop signs, danger/warning signs, hazard signs, and "KEEP OUT" written in large red letters.
Janna "Keep out."
Marco Something tells me they don't want us to go in there.
Janna Oh, wait. What's this?
Janna pushes a warning sign aside and sees a small sticker behind it that says "EMPLOYEES ONLY".
Janna "Employees only." Nope, we're good!
The warehouse door into the stockroom opens.
Janna Behold. Stockroom! Or whatever.
All the shelves in the stockroom are empty and covered in cobwebs.
Star Huh. Where's all the stock?
Janna Don't ask me. I just work here.
Marco What's with this place?! I'm never gonna get my wallet! [slams face on a shelf] Why do I live?
Star Uh, Marco? Look.
Marco Wait, what?
Sixteen security wallets appear on the shelf next to Marco.
Marco [counts quickly, gasps] There are exactly sixteen wallets here!
Star What?! It's like this place can read our... [makes concentrating face]
Janna Read our what?
Star [gasping] Unicorn cake! Unicorn cake!
Star runs up to a unicorn made of cake.
Star Do you see? Unicorn! Unicorn! [jumps onto unicorn cake and hugs it] I have always wanted to do this.
Janna And I've always wanted to do this.
Unicorn Cake Aww.
Janna bites into the unicorn cake's neck. When she pulls away, the cake's bite mark spews raspberry jam like blood.
Unicorn Cake Aah! [groaning] Aw, don't pay that no mind. It's only raspberry!
Marco [sitting in massage chair, soaking his feet in tub] You guys, this place has everything!
Unicorn Cake It's true!
Star Shopping spreeeeeee!
Janna Ermahgerd.
A giant floating eyeball blinks at Janna.
Janna I've always wanted one of these! [skull-shaped beanbag appears behind her] Just a second. [jumps onto beanbag chair] Please, continue. [slurps drink]
Star [humming and singing]
♪ Going on a shopping spree ♪
[wearing a dozen rings and jeweled wristbands]
♪ Everything's wonderful and— ♪
[gasps] No. Way.
A hamster band figurine toy plays Alvin and the Chipmunks-like music.
Star [picks up hamster band toy] I love you! I love you! [tosses toy into shopping cart]
Marco opens a jar of "Pizza in a Jar" with an automatic jar opener.
Marco Ahh. Convenience. [flaming arrow shoots his hat and headphones off] Aah!
Janna [holding a crossbow] Sorry. My bad. The crossbow's got a hair trigger.
Star [wearing rainbow boots] Janna Fanna Fo-Fanna! Just look at these boots!
Marco [holding oddly-shaped speaker device with a lightbulb on one side] Hey, guys! Check out this amazing item of relaxation!
Janna What does it do?
Marco I don't even know! I love this place so much!
Janna Yeah, it's like everything we've ever wanted just appears.
Star You know, people keep saying, "Don't wander in creepy places", uh, but it's working out pretty fine for us.
A sloth employee appears, watching Star, Marco, and Janna while taking long slurps of his soft drink.
Star Uh, guys? I think we're about to be busted.
Janna That's my favorite part!
Sloth Oh, don't mind me. [slurps, gulps] I'm just waiting.
Marco What are you waiting for?
Sloth [echoing] What?
Marco [echoing] I said, what are you waiting for?!
Sloth Sorry. The acoustics are really bad in here. I'll come to you.
The sloth employee walks up to Star, Marco, and Janna very slowly while sipping his drink.
Sloth I'm waiting for your brains to go gooey. [slurps]
Star What?! Why would our brains go gooey?
Sloth Well, why didn't you tell 'em, Stu? You know that everybody who wanders back here's brain turns to goo.
Janna Oh, yeah. Sometimes, Stu's brain goes gooey.
Sloth [laughs] Classic Stu. [slurps]
Star Well, our brains feel fine, thank you very much.
Sloth Well, yeah. They're fine for now. You're in a magical room that turns all your needless desires into pointless realities. [to Marco] Your sixteen wallets. [to Star] Your vibrant fashions. [to Janna] Your... uh...
Janna [wearing demon hat] Yeah, I don't know either, dude.
Star So, whatever we want just appears here?
Sloth [slurps] Pretty much.
Janna Cool. [straining]
Star Janna?
Janna creates a baby version of Marco with wheels for hands.
Baby Marco I'm baby Marco, and I got wheels for hands! Wheeeee! [speeds off]
Marco [to Janna] Why?!
Janna 'Cause I can. [straining, makes another baby Marco]
Baby Marco I'm baby Marco, and I got wheels for hands! Wheeeee! [speeds off]
Star Janna.
Janna Aw, come on. That was for you, too, girl.
Sloth See? Your brains just keep makin' stuff you want, you're never gonna wanna leave, then your brains turn to goo. [shows dozens of customers in cages] It happens to everybody that wanders back here.
A teenage girl in a crown and ragged clothes and bloodshot eyes has her own hamster band toy playing distorted music.
Star Whoa. How did we not see all those cages? What kinda creepy stuff are you pullin' here, bub?
Sloth We're just keeping these people safe. They can leave whenever. [opens teenage girl's cage]
Girl [whimpering, steps out of the cage] Maybe just one more song. [returns to her cage, squeals]
Sloth [slurps] They just don't want to leave their stuff. Well, I'll start getting your cages ready. [walks away]
Star Oh, you hear that, guys? He's gettin' our cages ready.
Janna Yeah. It's like he thinks this is the first time we've been trapped in a back room.
Marco Hey! My dude! We're pros at these, uh, "situations". I don't think we're gonna need the cages.
Star Yeah, we're just gonna head on out.
Sloth Sure. The exit's right over there. But you're never gonna make it without filling up these shelves with needless desires.
Star [scoffs] Okay, bub. Feels like you're not really gettin' who we are. We don't need stuff. I mean, sure, a little dancing penguin baby would be tight.
A dancing penguin baby appears next to Star.
Star Yeah, that's pretty tight. But I don't really need it.
Marco Yeah, and I've always wanted a talking bike named Wheelie.
A talking bike named Wheelie appears next to Marco.
Wheelie I'm right here, Marco!
Marco But Wheelie's not really what's important.
Wheelie What?
Janna And I think we all want an evil Marco with a mole on the other side of his face.
An evil Marco with a mole on the other side of his face appears next to Janna.
ocraM I am ocraM!
Janna I think we want hundreds of ocraMs.
Hundreds of ocraMs appear behind Janna.
ocraMs I am ocraM!
Marco [looks completely shocked]
Janna (o.s.) But we don't really care.
Star Look, I'm sure a lot of people get caught up in whatever this is, but we're not a lot of people. We're three people. We've got everything we want right here. Come on, guys. Let's get out of here.
Star, Marco, and Janna start to walk away. Marco's face is frozen in wide-eyed shock.
Star Whew! What a crazy place, am I right?
Janna Yeah. You can make, like, whatever.
Star That was a pretty cool bike you made, Marco.
Marco [still shocked]
Star You named him "Wheelie" and everything. But, hey, you told them, "Who needs stuff when you've got friends?"
Janna Yeah! It's not like stuff ever cares about ya.
Star [laughs] Yeah!
Baby Marcos Bye, Marco!
Wheelie [bell rings]
A sloth employee rings up Marco's wallets at the cash register.
Star [sighs] You know, I'm really gonna miss Quest Buy. We have got so many memories here.
Janna Yeah. It's a shame it's gonna be wiped from existence. Never to be seen from again.
Marco Wait. I need to go get something!
Sloth I'm sorry, but Quest Buy is now closed.
Marco But... But I need to save the babies!
Sloth [into microphone] Thank you, local customers, for shopping at Quest Buy. Have a good... whatever.
Quest Buy vanishes into thin air, leaving behind a banner that reads "OUT OF BUSINESS" and a single cash register.
Star What a weird, weird, sometimes terrifying, magical place.
ved Star vs. the Forces of Evil Episode Transcripts
Season 1
Star Comes to EarthParty With a PonyMatch MakerSchool SpiritMonster ArmThe Other Exchange StudentCheer Up, StarQuest BuyDiaz Family VacationBrittney's PartyMewbertyPixtopiaLobster ClawsSleep SpellsBlood Moon BallFortune CookiesFreeze DayRoyal PainSt. Olga's Reform School for Wayward PrincessesMewnipendance DayThe Banagic IncidentInterdimensional Field TripMarco Grows a BeardStorm the Castle
Season 2
My New Wand!Ludo in the WildMr. Candle CaresRed BeltStar on WheelsFetchStar vs. Echo CreekWand to WandStarstruckCamping TripStarsittingOn the JobGoblin DogsBy the BookGame of FlagsGirls' Day OutSleepoverGift of the CardFriendenemiesIs MysteryHungry LarrySpider With a Top HatInto the WandPizza ThingPage TurnerNaysayaBon Bon the Birthday ClownRaid the CaveTrickstarBabyRunning with ScissorsMathmagicThe Bounce LoungeCrystal ClearThe Hard WayHeinousAll Belts are OffCollateral DamageJust FriendsFace the MusicStarcrushed
Season 3
Return to MewniMoon the UndauntedBook Be GoneMarco and the KingPuddle DefenderKing LudoToffeeScent of a HoodieRest in PuddingClub SnubbedStranger DangerDemoncismSophomore SlumpLint CatcherTrial by SquirePrincess TurdinaStarfariSweet DreamsLava Lake BeachDeath PeckPonymoniumNight LifeDeep DiveMonster BashStump DayHoliday SpellcialThe Bogbeast of BoggabahTotal Eclipsa the MoonButterfly TrapLudo, Where Art Thou?Is Another MysteryMarco Jr.Skooled!Booth BuddiesBam Ui Pati!Tough LoveDivideConquer
Season 4
Butterfly FolliesEscape from the Pie FolkMoon RemembersSwim SuitRansomgramLake House FeverYada Yada BerriesDown by the RiverThe Ponyhead Show!Surviving the SpiderbitesOut of BusinessKelly's WorldCurse of the Blood MoonPrincess Quasar Caterpillar and the Magic BellGhost of Butterfly CastleCornball!Meteora's LessonThe Knight ShiftQueen-NappedJunkin' JannaA Spell with No NameA Boy and His DC-700XEThe Monster and the QueenCornonationDoop-DoopBritta's TacosBeach DayGone Baby GoneSad Teen HotlineJannanigansMama StarReady, Aim, FireThe Right WayHere to HelpPizza PartyThe Tavern at the End of the MultiverseCleaved
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