(theme song) | |
Episode begins outside Star's bedroom; the mail delivery monster girl from "Ransomgram" knocks on her door. The door opens. | |
Mail Monster | Hello, Star Butterfly! I have a special delivery for— |
Star Butterfly | Oh, no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no! Rainbow Fist Punch! |
Star sends the monster girl flying with a Rainbow Fist. | |
Mail Monster | [grunts] |
Marco Diaz | Star, why did you just punch that lady? |
Star | Uh, that is the ransomgram lady. She's here to ransom us. |
Mail Monster | [on the ground] No. I also deliver the mail sometimes. This is just mail. |
Star | Oh. Sorry! [takes mail from monster girl] |
Mail Monster | [dusts herself off] No, it's fine. People, uh... People do that— |
Star | Okay, thank you, bye! [closes bedroom door] Oh, no! |
Marco | What is it? |
Star | [shows Marco the letter] Quest Buy is closing! They're having a Going Out of Business sale right now! |
Marco | Quest Buy is closing? [gasps] Yes! Yes! Yes! Yeah! All right! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! All right! [dancing] Uh-huh. Uh-huh. All right! [screams enthusiastically] Yeah! Oh! [victory pose] |
Star | [stammering] What are you so happy about? |
Marco | This is the Going Out of Business sale! That means Quest Buy is closing down forever. It's, like, the happiest day of my life. I hate Quest Buy. |
Star | Yeah, but what happens, say, if something happens to your wallet? If there's no Quest Buy, you can't get another one! |
Marco | Wait, you mean my dab-coat, bad-lad, bad-2-da-bone, tri-tone, triple-locking, thumbprint-activated-surity security wallet in Prussian blue? |
Star | Oh, yeah, baby. |
Marco | Which I purchased on a previous trip to Quest Buy? |
Star | Uh, yeah, baby! |
Marco | Based on the rate of decay, if I'm gonna live to be a hundred, I'm gonna need... [whispering] one, two, three, four, five, six... sixteen of these things! We gotta go to Quest Buy. |
Janna | [appears next to Marco] Classic Diaz, doin' the math. [takes Marco's wallet] |
Marco | What?! Janna?! |
Star | [opens dimensional portal with dimensional scissors, gasps] Janna! |
Janna | So, are we doin' this thing or what? |
Marco | Wait! W-W-Wait a second! H-How did you get here? |
Janna | [chuckles] Wouldn't you like to know? |
Marco | Yeah, I would like to know. That's why I asked the question. |
Star | [pushes Marco toward portal] No one cares, Marco! The important thing is Janna's here! Let's go, guys! |
Marco | Fine. But we're gonna come back to this. |
Star tries to push Marco and Janna into the portal, but something pushes back. | |
Star | Huh? [straining] |
Marco | It's... It's like there's something—! |
Star | Come on, Diaz! Suck in that gut! [straining] |
On the other side of the portal, Star, Marco, and Janna arrive in an overly crowded Quest Buy. | |
Customers | [shouting indistinctly] |
Star | Oh, my gosh. What is going on? This is crazy! |
Sloth | [over P.A. system] Attention, customers. Don't miss our Going Out of Business sale. |
Star and Marco are carried away by the crowd. | |
Marco | Uh, this is way more people than I'm comfortable with! |
Star | Wait. Head count. Where's Janna? Janna! Where are you? |
Janna | [gets carried away in opposite direction] I'm good, I'm good. Yeah, and, uh, don't wait up! |
Talon Raventalon runs across an aisle, screaming and throwing boxes of bird seed and a couple of other customers into his shopping cart. Johnny Blowhole and a horned, hairy man fight over a Man Mower-brand electric razor. | |
Hairy Man | That's my Man Mower, ya porpoise! |
Johnny Blowhole | [dolphin chirping] |
Star | [looking from top of a shelf] Okay, Marco, let's just grab your sixteen wallets and get outta here. Okay, right there! |
Marco shoves through the crowd of customers to reach the display of wallets and coin purses. | |
Marco | Wallets! |
The entire display is empty. | |
Marco | [sighs] Bye-bye. |
Star | Oh, look! More wallets right over there! |
Customers | [gasp] |
A sloth employee appears pushing a cart with more wallets on it. The customers shove past Star and Marco and ambush the sloth. All the wallets are taken, and the sloth is reduced to a skeleton. | |
Marco | [groans] We're never getting these wallets. |
Janna | (o.s.) Do you ladies need help with anything? |
Janna appears wearing a Quest Buy employee shirt and the nametag of an employee named Stu. | |
Star | Janna, who's Stu? |
Janna | Who's Janna? |
Skeleton | Uh... what do I do? |
Janna | You're fired. |
Skeleton | [walks away] |
Janna | Ugh, I'm doing him a favor. Come on, let's go! |
Janna leads Star and Marco to the stockroom entrance, and Star turns on the lights. | |
Star | Whoa. |
The stockroom entrance has multiple "KEEP OUT" and "DO NOT ENTER" signs, stop signs, danger/warning signs, hazard signs, and "KEEP OUT" written in large red letters. | |
Janna | "Keep out." |
Marco | Something tells me they don't want us to go in there. |
Janna | Oh, wait. What's this? |
Janna pushes a warning sign aside and sees a small sticker behind it that says "EMPLOYEES ONLY". | |
Janna | "Employees only." Nope, we're good! |
The warehouse door into the stockroom opens. | |
Janna | Behold. Stockroom! Or whatever. |
All the shelves in the stockroom are empty and covered in cobwebs. | |
Star | Huh. Where's all the stock? |
Janna | Don't ask me. I just work here. |
Marco | What's with this place?! I'm never gonna get my wallet! [slams face on a shelf] Why do I live? |
Star | Uh, Marco? Look. |
Marco | Wait, what? |
Sixteen security wallets appear on the shelf next to Marco. | |
Marco | [counts quickly, gasps] There are exactly sixteen wallets here! |
Star | What?! It's like this place can read our... [makes concentrating face] |
Janna | Read our what? |
Star | [gasping] Unicorn cake! Unicorn cake! |
Star runs up to a unicorn made of cake. | |
Star | Do you see? Unicorn! Unicorn! [jumps onto unicorn cake and hugs it] I have always wanted to do this. |
Janna | And I've always wanted to do this. |
Unicorn Cake | Aww. |
Janna bites into the unicorn cake's neck. When she pulls away, the cake's bite mark spews raspberry jam like blood. | |
Unicorn Cake | Aah! [groaning] Aw, don't pay that no mind. It's only raspberry! |
Marco | [sitting in massage chair, soaking his feet in tub] You guys, this place has everything! |
Unicorn Cake | It's true! |
Star | Shopping spreeeeeee! |
Janna | Ermahgerd. |
A giant floating eyeball blinks at Janna. | |
Janna | I've always wanted one of these! [skull-shaped beanbag appears behind her] Just a second. [jumps onto beanbag chair] Please, continue. [slurps drink] |
Star | [humming and singing] ♪ Going on a shopping spree ♪ [wearing a dozen rings and jeweled wristbands] ♪ Everything's wonderful and— ♪ [gasps] No. Way. |
A hamster band figurine toy plays Alvin and the Chipmunks-like music. | |
Star | [picks up hamster band toy] I love you! I love you! [tosses toy into shopping cart] |
Marco opens a jar of "Pizza in a Jar" with an automatic jar opener. | |
Marco | Ahh. Convenience. [flaming arrow shoots his hat and headphones off] Aah! |
Janna | [holding a crossbow] Sorry. My bad. The crossbow's got a hair trigger. |
Star | [wearing rainbow boots] Janna Fanna Fo-Fanna! Just look at these boots! |
Marco | [holding oddly-shaped speaker device with a lightbulb on one side] Hey, guys! Check out this amazing item of relaxation! |
Janna | What does it do? |
Marco | I don't even know! I love this place so much! |
Janna | Yeah, it's like everything we've ever wanted just appears. |
Star | You know, people keep saying, "Don't wander in creepy places", uh, but it's working out pretty fine for us. |
A sloth employee appears, watching Star, Marco, and Janna while taking long slurps of his soft drink. | |
Star | Uh, guys? I think we're about to be busted. |
Janna | That's my favorite part! |
Sloth | Oh, don't mind me. [slurps, gulps] I'm just waiting. |
Marco | What are you waiting for? |
Sloth | [echoing] What? |
Marco | [echoing] I said, what are you waiting for?! |
Sloth | Sorry. The acoustics are really bad in here. I'll come to you. |
The sloth employee walks up to Star, Marco, and Janna very slowly while sipping his drink. | |
Sloth | I'm waiting for your brains to go gooey. [slurps] |
Star | What?! Why would our brains go gooey? |
Sloth | Well, why didn't you tell 'em, Stu? You know that everybody who wanders back here's brain turns to goo. |
Janna | Oh, yeah. Sometimes, Stu's brain goes gooey. |
Sloth | [laughs] Classic Stu. [slurps] |
Star | Well, our brains feel fine, thank you very much. |
Sloth | Well, yeah. They're fine for now. You're in a magical room that turns all your needless desires into pointless realities. [to Marco] Your sixteen wallets. [to Star] Your vibrant fashions. [to Janna] Your... uh... |
Janna | [wearing demon hat] Yeah, I don't know either, dude. |
Star | So, whatever we want just appears here? |
Sloth | [slurps] Pretty much. |
Janna | Cool. [straining] |
Star | Janna? |
Janna creates a baby version of Marco with wheels for hands. | |
Baby Marco | I'm baby Marco, and I got wheels for hands! Wheeeee! [speeds off] |
Marco | [to Janna] Why?! |
Janna | 'Cause I can. [straining, makes another baby Marco] |
Baby Marco | I'm baby Marco, and I got wheels for hands! Wheeeee! [speeds off] |
Star | Janna. |
Janna | Aw, come on. That was for you, too, girl. |
Sloth | See? Your brains just keep makin' stuff you want, you're never gonna wanna leave, then your brains turn to goo. [shows dozens of customers in cages] It happens to everybody that wanders back here. |
A teenage girl in a crown and ragged clothes and bloodshot eyes has her own hamster band toy playing distorted music. | |
Star | Whoa. How did we not see all those cages? What kinda creepy stuff are you pullin' here, bub? |
Sloth | We're just keeping these people safe. They can leave whenever. [opens teenage girl's cage] |
Girl | [whimpering, steps out of the cage] Maybe just one more song. [returns to her cage, squeals] |
Sloth | [slurps] They just don't want to leave their stuff. Well, I'll start getting your cages ready. [walks away] |
Star | Oh, you hear that, guys? He's gettin' our cages ready. |
Janna | Yeah. It's like he thinks this is the first time we've been trapped in a back room. |
Marco | Hey! My dude! We're pros at these, uh, "situations". I don't think we're gonna need the cages. |
Star | Yeah, we're just gonna head on out. |
Sloth | Sure. The exit's right over there. But you're never gonna make it without filling up these shelves with needless desires. |
Star | [scoffs] Okay, bub. Feels like you're not really gettin' who we are. We don't need stuff. I mean, sure, a little dancing penguin baby would be tight. |
A dancing penguin baby appears next to Star. | |
Star | Yeah, that's pretty tight. But I don't really need it. |
Marco | Yeah, and I've always wanted a talking bike named Wheelie. |
A talking bike named Wheelie appears next to Marco. | |
Wheelie | I'm right here, Marco! |
Marco | But Wheelie's not really what's important. |
Wheelie | What? |
Janna | And I think we all want an evil Marco with a mole on the other side of his face. |
An evil Marco with a mole on the other side of his face appears next to Janna. | |
ocraM | I am ocraM! |
Janna | I think we want hundreds of ocraMs. |
Hundreds of ocraMs appear behind Janna. | |
ocraMs | I am ocraM! |
Marco | [looks completely shocked] |
Janna | (o.s.) But we don't really care. |
Star | Look, I'm sure a lot of people get caught up in whatever this is, but we're not a lot of people. We're three people. We've got everything we want right here. Come on, guys. Let's get out of here. |
Star, Marco, and Janna start to walk away. Marco's face is frozen in wide-eyed shock. | |
Star | Whew! What a crazy place, am I right? |
Janna | Yeah. You can make, like, whatever. |
Star | That was a pretty cool bike you made, Marco. |
Marco | [still shocked] |
Star | You named him "Wheelie" and everything. But, hey, you told them, "Who needs stuff when you've got friends?" |
Janna | Yeah! It's not like stuff ever cares about ya. |
Star | [laughs] Yeah! |
Baby Marcos | Bye, Marco! |
Wheelie | [bell rings] |
A sloth employee rings up Marco's wallets at the cash register. | |
Star | [sighs] You know, I'm really gonna miss Quest Buy. We have got so many memories here. |
Janna | Yeah. It's a shame it's gonna be wiped from existence. Never to be seen from again. |
Marco | Wait. I need to go get something! |
Sloth | I'm sorry, but Quest Buy is now closed. |
Marco | But... But I need to save the babies! |
Sloth | [into microphone] Thank you, local customers, for shopping at Quest Buy. Have a good... whatever. |
Quest Buy vanishes into thin air, leaving behind a banner that reads "OUT OF BUSINESS" and a single cash register. | |
Star | What a weird, weird, sometimes terrifying, magical place. |
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Out of Business/Transcript
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