Princess Turdina/Transcript

	(theme song)
	Episode begins on a carriage being pulled by invisible goat traveling to St. Olga's Reform School for Wayward Princesses. Inside the carriage, Pony Head is putting makeup on something.
Pony Head	Okay, you need to hold still. One more second. It needs to be perfect. Mm. Mm. Mm-hmm!
	Marco, dressed as "Princess Marco Turdina", is shown wearing a lot of eyeliner, blush, and lipstick.
Marco Diaz	How do I look?
Pony Head	[holds a mirror up to Marco's face] Super pretty!
Marco	[gasps, covers his face] Oh, no.
Star Butterfly	What's the matter? You don't like it?
Marco	[smears makeup on his face] No, I... I know I look amazing. It's just... Ugh! I can't go back to St. Olga's like this! I gotta come clean!
Pony Head	[spits out mirror] Mm-mm! If you tell those girls that you have been lying about being a princess, they will destroy you.
Marco	I still can't believe they want to give me an honorary degree.
	Marco holds an invitation to St. Olga's. The word "Wayward" is crossed out and replaced with "Doing Just Fine".
Marco	Ugh. I know I inspired a generation and all, but I can't keep lying!
Pony Head	Whatever. It's your funeral.
	The carriage suddenly stops, and Marco is thrown out of his seat.
Marco	[groans]
Pony Head	Hey, goat! Just because you're invisible doesn't mean I can't hurt you! Oh. We're here. Mm. [leaves the carriage] Come on, ladies.
	Star follows Pony Head out of the carriage. Marco's dress can't fit through the carriage.
Marco	[grunting]
Star	You're having a princess problem.
Marco	[sighs] Yeah, I'm having a princess problem.
Star	Okay, stand up straight.
Marco	[stands up straight]
Star	Arms forward.
Marco	[holds his arms out in front of him]
Star	And exhale.
Marco	Exhaaaaale.
	Star pulls Marco through the carriage door.
Marco	Oh! Well, you've obviously done this before.
	Dance music plays at St. Olga's School, and princesses are heard cheering.
Marco	Okay. I can't do this. [runs back toward the carriage]
	A spotlight shines down on Marco.
Turdina Fan	(o.s.) Princess Turdina, where you going?
	Princesses cheer for Marco.
Fish Princess	Sign my poster!
Minotaur Princess	Sign my cat!
Minotaur Princess's Cat	[meows]
Cactus Princess	Sign my face!
Princess Arms	[shoves through the crowd] Okay, people, don't crowd her! Princess Turdina! It is truly an honor.
Marco	Oh, please, you don't have to—
Princess Arms	We can't wait to show you what we've done with this place.
Marco	Whoa!
Princess Arms	[opens school doors] Welcome to Utopia!
Star, Marco, and Pony Head	[gasping]
	Princesses party and play games around the main school lobby. One princess is holding a boombox. Two other princesses are playing foosball. Three other princesses ride a large wolf monster through the room. A prince lies sleeping on a pile of trash with a slice of pizza on his head.
Prince	[gasps] Where am I?
Pony Head	Oh, it's so beautiful!
Marco	Wow, this is, uh... [opens a book on tea party etiquette and finds a slice of pizza] ...really something.
Princess Arms	Oh, we got rid of all those oppressive classes about manners and "please" and "thank you" and all that other trash. We have our own curriculum now!
	Princess Arms points to a class schedule painted on the wall. It reads "11am—7pm: Brunch. 7pm—11am: Party!"
Marco	Brunch and... party. When do you sleep?
Princess Arms	Oh-ho-ho, don't worry about it!
Marco	You know, sometimes structure isn't a bad thing.
	The dance music stops.
Princess Arms	What?
Marco	I just think that rules have a place—
Princess Arms	Yeah, but you told us to never conform! If you weren't being honest about who you are, then this whole school would be built on a lie!
Marco	Uh, what I meant to say was rules have a place... in the garbage! Ha-ha!
Princess Arms	Oh, ha-ha! Oh! Oh, good one. That was... Oh, you had me.
	Scene cuts to the school dining hall, where several princesses are talking. One princess is sleeping on a stack of pancakes.
Princess Arms	Here's some princesses hard at work on their brunch final. We don't believe in grades. No, we don't. Just pancakes.
Troll Princess	[noisily eating pancakes] I love learning!
	Cut to the school gardens, where princesses are seen gossiping.
Princess Arms	These are the whispering gardens, our designated gossip area, because a princess's voice shall not be silenced! [gasps] Oh, my gosh, did you hear that Beatrice and Alfred broke up again?
Pony Head	Oh, no way!
	Cut to empty school courtyard, where only a DJ is seen behind turntables.
Princess Arms	And this is where we have our party class to celebrate our freedom from the reign of Miss Heinous!
	A deflating balloon blows through.
Princess Arms	I see what you're seeing. It's cooler at night.
	Cut to school interior; Princess Arms opens a pair of doors.
Princess Arms	This... is the Hallway of Turdina!
	The hallway is filled with portraits, posters, and other memorabilia of Princess Marco.
Marco	Whoa.
Princess Arms	This is the very first Turdina poster we hung up. All of your T-shirts, and all of your dolls, and a lock of your hair, and a poster of your movie!
Star	Oh, I gotta get a DVD of that!
Marco	This is too much!
Princess Ram	Are you kidding? We owe this whole school to you. You showed us that all princesses don't have to fit into the same mold.
Chicken Princess	[squawks]
Marco	Pfft. No, I didn't.
Princess Arms	And we're gonna show you our appreciation by throwing you the biggest party this school's ever seen!
Marco	A party? For me?
Star	Uh, Marco, isn't there something you wanted to tell these girls?
Marco	Oh! Yeah, um... [clearing throat] It's not criminal to be an individual!
	The princesses cheer for Marco.
Princess Ram	She said her catchphrase!
Pony Head	Aw, you are way much more fun as Turdina!
Lizard Princess	Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! It's here! It's here!
Marco	What's here?
Lizard Princess	[pulls Marco to front of the school] Check it out! Isn't it amazing?
Marco	Whoa.
	A large statue of Princess Turdina is seen in front of the school.
Princess Ram	In honor of the one princess who changed our lives, we dedicate this to you!
Marco	[blushing] I'm so beautiful...
Minotaur Princess	I hope you do like it, Princess Turdina! It took all year to save up enough to get it made!
Two-Headed Princess	We cleaned toilets on weekends for extra cash!
Princess Arms	But it was worth it because you showed us that there's another way to live.
Princesses	[cheering]
Princess Smooshy	Hey, hey! It's time for a group selfie in front of the statue.
Marco	Oh. Okay, sure. [smiles for the camera]
Princess Smooshy	Camera phone! Mm! [snaps picture]
Star	Are you... enjoying this?
Pony Head	Hey, this is the first time he's ever been popular! Don't ruin it for him.
Star	Well, he should tell the truth like a decent human being. [goes up to Marco] Hey, Turdina, can I talk to you for a sec?
Marco	Sure. Uh, bye, ladies!
Star	[pulls Marco aside] Marco, I think you're running out of time to tell the truth.
Pony Head	Don't even listen to her, Turdina! These princesses worship you!
Star	Yeah, but they worship someone who doesn't exist. Marco is the most organized, rule-abiding person I know.
Pony Head	Think of the party!
Marco	Yeah, they spent all that money for the statue. I can't crush their spirits.
Star	I'm just worried you might be letting this attention get to your head.
Marco	What? That's not it! This is for them, not for me!
Princess Arms	Princess Turdina, come on! It's time for your ceremony!
	Several princesses prepare a palanquin for Marco to ride to the ceremony.
Marco	I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm going with Pony's advice.
Pony Head	Whoo! Good choice.
	Marco gets on the palanquin and claps his hands. The princesses carry him to the ceremony. Scene cuts to ceremony stage, where Princess Gwendolyn does an interpretative dance.
Princess Gwendolyn	Oppression! Eternal darkness! Suddenly, light! Freedom! Turdina! [releases doves into the air]
Princesses	[looking confused]
Princess Arms	[through microphone] Thank you, Princess Gwendolyn, for that beautiful interpretive dance. And now, the moment you've all been waiting for. The woman herself – Princess Marco Turdina!
	Marco appears from behind the curtains, and the princesses cheer for him.
Princess Arms	I present you this honorary St. Olga's degree.
Marco	Wow!
	Marco's degree reads "St. Olga's Degree (Cool!)" and is decorated with various stickers.
Princesses	[chanting] Turdina! Turdina! Turdina! Turdina!
Marco	Dearest princesses, congratulations on this wonderful school. I know you see me as an idol, but today you're my idols! You embody everything that Princess Turdina... uh, um, that I stand for – not letting anyone force you to be something you're not, living by your true colors, loving who you are!
Princesses	[cheering]
Marco	I'm proud to have inspired you to be brave, even when it's scary. And when being true to yourself might mean disappointing... thousands of people. Um... [looks at Star]
Star	[looking sad]
Marco	[sighs] That's... That's why I have to tell you the truth. I, Princess Marco Turdina, am a boy!
	Just as Marco says "boy", his words are drowned out by the sound of a chainsaw. A dimensional portal opens, and Miss Heinous' car comes out, with Rasticore's torso tied to the front.
Star	Oh, no.
	Gemini comes out of the car, walks around to the other side, and opens the driver side door. Miss Heinous steps out.
Princesses	[gasping, screaming]
Princess Jaggs	Ooh!
Mouse Princess	It's Miss Heinous!
Miss Heinous	Princess Turdina is a fraud, and I have the evidence to prove it! [holding cassette tape labeled "Princess Turdina's Confession"]
Princesses	[muttering]
Princess 1	It's a tape...
Princess 2	It's a tape of what?
Miss Heinous	That's right, I watched your video and saw your dark secret!
Marco	Oh, that phony confession I did? Go ahead, show 'em! It's not real!
Miss Heinous	Oh, no, it's not... But this is!
	Miss Heinous pulls down on Marco's dress collar and reveals his single chest hair.
Princesses	[gasps and exclamations]
Princess 3	Wait! Is that a hair?
Miss Heinous	Turdina isn't a princess! She's a boy!
Princesses	[gasping]
Marco	How'd you know about Rodrigo?!
Humanoid Princess	Whatever! That doesn't prove anything! Princesses can be hairy!
Hairy Princess	Yeah! We believe in you, Turdina!
Marco	No.
Princesses	[whispering]
Star	[smiles]
Marco	I lied to you. [takes off his dress] I... am a boy.
Princesses	[gasping]
Princess Jaggs	[intrigued] Ooh! [blushing] Oop! I mean, ugh!
Miss Heinous	This, princesses, is why you need me running St. Olga's. Look where all this freedom got you – living in filth and championing a "hero" who's been lying to you all along. Henceforth, you must reinstate me as your schoolmaster! You need me... and I need you.
Star	Wait, what did she just say?
Princess Arms	Wait, no. Why does it matter if he's a boy? Nothing he said was wrong!
Minotaur Princess	Yeah! He can think for himself and so can we!
Princess Ram	He can be a princess if he wants to!
Princess Arms	Turdina's a state of mind!
Princesses	[cheering]
Miss Heinous	Silence! Silence!
	Miss Heinous gets hit in the face with a water balloon.
Princesses	[gasps]
Star	Ooooh! I just got her right in the face!
Pony Head	[neighs excitedly] Come on, girls!
	The princesses rush toward the stage.
Princess Ram	Free will!
Miss Heinous	No! No! [runs away]
	Gemini fends off the princesses with Rasticore's torso tied to his back.
Gemini	Spare me!
Miss Heinous	Get in the car!
	Miss Heinous and Gemini get in the car as the princesses rush up to it.
Princess	Turdina lives!
	Miss Heinous backs the car up, and it flies away into a dimensional portal.
Princesses	[cheering]
	A robot DJ starts playing club music, and the princesses start dancing.
Marco	Well, looks like Turdina's gone for good.
Pony Head	[crying] Yeah! Because you took her away from us, you selfish monster!
Star	You look like you can breathe a lot easier now.
Marco	Mostly 'cause I'm out of that dress! That corset was killin' me!
Mouse Princess	[walks up to Marco] Could we get a selfie with Marco Turdina, Boy Princess?
Marco	Sure.
	Star, Marco, Pony Head, Mouse Princess, and Minotaur Princess pose for a selfie with Mouse Princess's phone.
All	Camera phone!
Mouse Princess	Oh, Smooshy's gonna be so jealous of this one!
Minotaur Princess	Where is Smooshy, anyways?
	Scene cuts to another dimension, where Miss Heinous, Gemini, and Rasticore use a machine to transfer youth energy from Princess Smooshy to Miss Heinous. Because of the energy transfer, Smooshy looks emaciated. When the transfer is complete, Smooshy collapses on the ground. Miss Heinous pulls the transfer device off her head, and she looks younger with glowing cheek marks.
Miss Heinous	Ahhh! Oh, yeah, that's good! Gemini, we gotta get more of this stuff.
Gemini	Oh, yes, but I'm afraid this one is out of juice, milady.
Princess Smooshy	[weakly] Camera phone...
Miss Heinous	I know that, you fool! I'm not talking about her!
Gemini	Well, I'm happy to share some of mine with you.
Miss Heinous	No! I want the good stuff. I'm coming for you, Princess Marco Turdina!
Gemini	I don't mean to interrupt, milady, but we say this all the time. "I'm coming for you..." Maybe we should just stay in tonight, and you can have a little Gemini fuel?
Miss Heinous	No. Nobody asked you. Go get the car!
Gemini	U-uh... Of course, milady.