Quest Buy/Transcript

	Episode begins on exterior shot of Diaz Household. In the bathroom, Marco combs his hair while lightly humming.
Marco	Perfect.
	Star's hairdryer blows on him from off-screen, making his hair messy. Camera cuts left to show Star using her magic wand to brush and blow-dry her hair at the same time.
Marco	Hey, you know the rules. Keep your stuff on your side of the counter.
	Marco picks up his minivac and vacuums some items on Star's side of the bathroom counter, including her wand charger.
Marco	Is it that hard to just be a little organized?
	Camera zooms out to show Star's side of the bathroom counter is a cluttered mess.
Star	I'm organized. My mess is here, and... well, that's pretty much my system.
	Star's wand crackles and fizzles before powering down.
Star	Huh?
	Her hairdryer, shampoo bottle, and hairbrush fall to the floor.
Star	What's wrong with this thing? Hmm... Better check under the hood.
	Star opens her wand's front compartment, revealing a very exhausted and starved-looking unicorn on a treadmill, as music box music plays off-key and winds down.
Millhorse	[gasping and wheezing]
Star	Oh, no.
	Star closes the wand and turns it around, revealing a half-empty power gauge.
Star	Have you seen my charger? I know it's around here somewhere.
	Star looks around the counter and under the sink for her charger.
Marco	Where did you last see it?
Star	Ah! Where is that stupid thing?!
Marco	Star, calm down! [dodges a flail] Star! [dodges a sword] This is why you gotta get organized.
	Marco opens his cabinet and reveals well-organized and labeled shelves of bathroom items.
Marco	See? With my system, nothing ever gets lost. Nothing's ever out of place.
Star	This is serious! [points to wand power gauge] You have to recharge wands with magical energy. If it goes to skull, it'll be dead forever!
	The hearts on Star's cheeks change into skulls.
Marco	Can't you just buy another charger?
Star	[gasps]
	The skulls on Star's cheeks change into light bulbs.
Star	Of course! They sell them at Quest Buy.
Marco	Quest Buy?
	With her wand in her mouth, Star opens a portal with her dimensional scissors and drags Marco through it.
Star	[muffled] Come on!
	Star and Marco exit the other side of the portal and land in a giant store.
Star	Welcome to Quest Buy!
	Camera zooms out to show Quest Buy's large maze-like layout and pans from left to right to show the store's different employees and shoppers.
Sloth clerk	[over P.A. system] Attention, Quest Buy shoppers. We have a red-ticket special. 25% off of all things that murder.
	The sloth clerk in the announcing booth is grabbed by a giant centipede monster.
Sloth clerk	[screaming] Ow!
Marco	Whoa...
	A fish-like sample server holds a tray of two disgusting-looking vials in front of Marco's face.
Sample server	Sample? Either take a sample or leave a sample. Up to you.
Marco	Gross.
	Star's wand gauge drops to two bars of power.
Star	We gotta hurry! You can talk to the creepy salesman later, Marco!
Marco	[looking at shelves] Gnome repellent? Extra-strength ghost heads? How do you find anything in this place?
Star	It only looks messy. Legend says that the founders of Quest Buy had an ancient cryptic system of symbols they used to organize the store. Some have gone mad trying to decipher it!
Goblin	I finally got it! Housewares is that way! [laughs excitedly, runs into a wall, whimpers]
Marco	If there's a system here, I'm gonna use it to find the best route to the charger department.
Star	Lucky for you, I myself know my way around here pretty well myself, if I do say so myself. I think I just said too many "myself"'s.
	Star and Marco walk off-screen in the foreground. Ludo and his minions are seen shopping in the background. Bearicorn holds up a small dress.
Bearicorn	Hey, boss, look what I found!
Ludo	We're not getting that!
Bearicorn	Aw, but you'd look so cute in it.
	The frill-neck monster tries to sneak an item into the shopping cart. Ludo slaps it out of his hand.
Ludo	Stop trying to sneak things into the cart! [to giraffe monster, who has a bag of "Girafro" in his mouth] Same goes for you! I don't even know what that is. Look, we're only here because I need an electric beak groomer. Keeps the tip sharp while brightening my smile! [smiles] Oh, clerk peasant! Bring me your finest beak groomer.
Sloth clerk	Sorry, that's not my department.
Ludo	I want the name of your supervising wizard!
	Star and Marco run down a hallway.
Riddle Sphinx	[in distorted voice] Halt! Those who wish to pass my lair, answer my riddles if you dare! I do not breathe...
Star	[looks at Marco's phone] A leg!
Riddle Sphinx	...but I run...
Star	A leg.
Riddle Sphinx	...and jump...
Star	A leg!
Riddle Sphinx	...and— [speaking normally] Wait. How could you possibly know that?
Star	The internet.
Riddle Sphinx	Internet?
Star	...You should look it up. Now come on, come on, open up!
Riddle Sphinx	[sighs] (Opens the door on her chest)
	The Riddle Sphinx opens a passage in her chest, and Star and Marco run through.
Star	Thank you!
Riddle Sphinx	You ever hear of the Internet, skeleton door?
Skeleton door	...
Star	Okay, should be right through here!
	Star and Marco are back in the first aisle.
Marco	Gnome repellent? Extra-strength ghost heads? We're right back where we started! How is this even possible?
Star	Let's see. We made a right turn, then another right turn, then another right turn, then another right turn. Ugh! This makes no sense!
	Ludo's shopping cart bumps into Star from behind.
Ludo	Well, well, well. Looks like Quest Buy really does have everything a monster could want!
Star	Ludo?!
	Marco assumes a fighting pose.
Ludo	Now hand over that wand, or there's going to be a big cleanup on aisle... Uh, what aisle is this?
Sloth clerk	That's not my department. [walks away]
Star	Rainbow Avalanche!
	Star's wand spurts out a trickle of rainbow-colored liquid.
Star	Uhhh, just give me a sec here. [shaking the wand] Uh... Narwhal Nightmare!
	The wand produces a tiny narwhal that flops around on the floor.
Ludo	Get me that wand!
	The monsters advance on Star and Marco, who back into a wall of boxes of "Big Boy Diapers".
Star	Big Boy Diaper Blast!
	Star tosses a box at the giraffe minion and knocks him backward. Marco does the same to Bearicorn. As they retreat through the opening they've created, Marco throws another box of diapers at Ludo. They come out to the other side of the wall.
Star	Oh, no! This doesn't look familiar at all!
Marco	You know what? We tried this your way. Now we're gonna try this the organized way. [looks at Quest Buy map] Hmm... I think I got it. [points at an elevator] That elevator will take us right to the charger department! Come on!
	Star and Marco run into an elevator and take it to the upper floors. Ludo and his minions enter the adjacent elevator. A large slug man slithers toward Ludo's elevator.
Slug man	Hold the door there, folks!
Ludo	Ohhh... [presses the Close button repeatedly] Close, Close, Close!
	The door almost closes, but the slug man reaches it and pushes it open.
Slug man	Thanks, guys.
Ludo	Uhhh...
	The slug man squeezes into the elevator, squirting slime everywhere and pressing Ludo and his minions against the glass, and slime foams over the cracks in the elevator door. Marco and Star continue upwards in their elevator. Star sees a neon sign that reads "WAND CHARGERS".
Star	There it is! Don't worry, little wand. We're almost there.
Marco	Told ya I'd get us there.
	The power in the elevator suddenly goes out, leaving Star and Marco in pitch-black darkness.
Star	We stopped.
	Marco and Star climb out of the elevator onto the floor they're currently on. Star bumps her head on a sign that reads "OUT OF SERVICE".
Star	Ow.
	A heavily-bandaged sloth clerk stands next to the elevator.
Sloth clerk	Sorry, folks, this elevator's no longer in service. Welcome to the booby trap department. Please step carefully—
	The sloth clerk gets caught in an over-sized mousetrap.
Star and Marco	[gasps]
Sloth clerk	Don't help me up! I get worker's comp for this! [chuckles]
	Ludo's elevator arrives on Star and Marco's floor. The slug man squeezes out of the elevator.
Slug Man	[sighs] See you later, guys. Uh, guys?
	The slug man turns around, revealing Ludo and his minions stuck to his back. They groan and moan in pain.
Ludo	[pulls free] Umph! [adjusts skull hat] Get 'em!
Star and Marco	[screams]
	Star and Marco run away. Ludo's minions give chase, trampling over the sloth clerk.
Sloth clerk	Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
	As Star and Marco run down a hallway, Star stops Marco.
Star	Look out!
	An axe swings past them on a pendulum.
Star	Blades of Doom!
	Star and Marco dodge the axes and continue onward. Bearicorn gets his tunic caught on one of the axes. Star and Marco arrive in a room of skeleton statues with blowguns.
Star	Massacre darts!
	Star and Marco dash past the statues and avoid the darts the statues shoot at them. The frill-neck monster chases them, gets hit with several darts, and passes out.
Star	A hallway with walls that smash together periodically!
	Star and Marco dodge the smashing walls. Big Chicken follows and gets squished between one set of walls.
Marco	We made it!
	Star and Marco reach the wand charger department. Camera zooms out to show hundreds of different chargers.
Star	There's so many chargers! We'll never find the right one in time!
Marco	Oh, yes, we will. Because this time, we're gonna get organized. I'll figure this out. You go hold off the monsters.
Star	Right!
	Star dashes back to the aisles where Ludo and his monsters are waiting.
Ludo	There she is!
	Star runs up to a shelf and knocks it over on top of Bearicorn. She jumps on top of it. The giraffe monster ducks under it and smashes through it with his head, sending Star up to a higher shelf. Star looks behind and sees a sloth clerk watching TV and eating chips.
Sloth clerk	You're not gonna tell my boss about this, are you?
	The giraffe monster roars in Star's face. Star smacks him on the head with her wand. Cut to Marco sliding around the wand charger aisles on a ladder. He picks up a charger labeled "AAAA SINGLE", and it zaps him, leaving him with frizzy hair. Cut back to Star, who tries climbing away from Big Chicken and the frill-neck minion and crashes to the floor. The frill-neck minion approaches Star, but he's stopped by a minotaur woman with a shopping cart.
Minotaur woman	Well, well, well. It looks like Mama's having pork chops for supper.
	The minotaur woman picks up the frill-neck minion, puts him in her cart, and walks away. Big Chicken takes flight and points his rear at Star, who looks grossed out. Star dodges a barrage of eggs before running into and tripping over another cart, getting her foot stuck. As Big Chicken swoops down, Star flips the cart onto his head and frees her foot. Star gets up and kicks Lobster Claws backward into a shelf. Several shelf items fall around him, including a beak groomer labeled "BEAK 'N' TRIM".
Lobster Claws	"Beak 'N' Trim"... [gasps] I found it!
	Lobster Claws picks up the beak groomer and runs into the wand charger department. Marco picks up a charger labeled "BLACK HOLE CHARGER" and tosses it away.
Lobster Claws	Ludo, I found it!
	The Black Hole charger falls on the floor in front of Lobster Claws, creating a black hole. He is pulled into the hole screaming. Star's wand gauge drops to one bar of power.
Star	Marco, where are you?!
Marco	I found the charger! It took me a while, but once I figured out they were using the metric system—
Star	Good job, Marco! Just give me the cock-a-doodie charger!
	Marco hands Star the charger, and she lands on the floor with wand and charger in hand.
Star	Yes! I got it!
	Ludo snatches the wand away.
Ludo	Yes! I got it! Finally, evil is in the palm of my hand! Princess Blast Your Face Off!
	The wand expels out a small puff of smoke in the shape of a skull.
Ludo	Spinning Dizzy Death Blast! Um, uh... Kapow! [shakes the wand] What's wrong with this thing?!
	Star kicks Ludo away into a shelf and retrieves the wand.
Star	[laughing excitedly]
	Star plugs the charger into the wand, and the power gauge fills up. The front compartment opens, revealing the Millhorse is now healthy. It whinnies happily and runs at full gallop on the treadmill as music box music plays normally. Star closes the compartment cover.
Star	[laughing] So cute. Fantastic Exit Beam!
	Star fires a beam that reads "EXIT" and pushes her and Marco away toward the store's exit.
Sloth clerk	You gonna pay for that charger, ma'am?
Star	Nah. My arch-nemesis will cover it. He kinda owes me.
Marco	Um, you do realize that we could just walk?
Star	I know.
Ludo	I had it right in my claws!
Sloth clerk	So you're the one paying for this mess?
	Camera pans left to right to show Ludo's beaten minions and the destruction caused to the store.
Ludo	Uh, I must have dropped my wallet in the fight. [laughing nervously]
Sloth clerk	[growls monstrously]
	Cut to black as the sloth clerk pounces on Ludo.
Ludo	[screams]
	Cut to Diaz Household bathroom. Marco and Star emerge from a dimensional portal.
Marco	[sighs] We're back. You see, Star, it pays to be organized. If you just listened to me—
Star	[shushes Marco] Shut it.
Marco	[pushes Star's finger away] On Earth, it's rude to tell people to shut it.
Star	Yeah-yeah-yeah, that's rude on Mewni too. Looooook.
	Star points to Marco's minivac. It floats in midair and has a pink aura around it.
Marco	My minivac!
Star	It's possessed. I'm gonna touch it.
Marco	No-no-no, don't touch it.
	Star gently grabs the minivac out of the air.
Marco	Ugh, she's touching it.
	Star opens the minivac. Marco cringes. Star takes her charger out of the minivac.
Star	Eh, just my charger. [gasps] My charger!?
Marco	Uh... whoops. I must have accidentally sucked it up when I was cleaning. Sorry. Guess you have two now.
Star	Nah.
	Star puts her original charger back in the minivac and gives it to Marco.
Star	You keep it. I've got my wand. You've got a magic floating vacuum cleaner. Now we're both cool.
	Star walks off-screen. Marco flips the minivac in the air before slipping on Star's sword.
Marco	Whoa!
	He lies on the floor surrounded by Star's mess and sighs. The minivac floats over him.