Scene opens at Quest Buy. Star Butterfly and Marco Diaz are camping out on the floor. | |
Sloth | Attention, Quest Buy shoppers, Quest Buy is proud to host Quest Buy's 10,000th annual Squire Blowout, or whatever. |
Star | Marco, this is gonna be so much fun! Just a squire and his knight shopping, pop-[twists neck]-locking, shop-locking. You know, you feel me, bro. |
Marco | I know that looked like it hurt. |
Star | Oh, it did, [giggles] but [rolls into tent] I'll feel better as soon as we find [rolls out, shows Marco a picture of a palm tree costume] this little beauty from the Quest Buy catalog. I've always wanted one! |
Marco | Sorry, Star, but that's not on [dramatically pulls out a stack of paper] the list. Boooooooooooooooom! |
Baby Man | Wow, that's so organized. |
Old Man | Yeah look, it's got coupons attached to it. I like the coupon. |
Marco | [laughs] Hey, guys. [waves] |
Higgs | Oh, hey, man. I dig your list. |
Marco | Thanks. It's every sale item of the Squire Blowout grouped together by aisle and availability. I called ahead to check the inventory on each item. |
Higgs | That's cool. A great squire is an organized squire. That's what I always say. |
Marco | [happily] a... great... squire! |
Higgs | I'm Higgs. That's Baby Man. |
Baby Man | Hey! |
Higgs | And the old guy is Old Guy. |
Old Guy | I'm old! |
Marco | I'm M– |
Star | He's Marco. This is his first blowout. |
Higgs | Really? Huh. I would've thought you a veteran with that fancy list of yours. |
Marco | Nope. I don't know anything at all. |
Higgs | Heh, nice. Well, [extends hand] welcome to the community, Marco. |
Marco | [shakes it] I'm honored. |
Higgs | I'm honored. Oh, uh, just a little squire to squire advice, equipping your knight and making them look good is gonna be your most important task. So you wanna get to the good stuff fast. The shelves clear out quickly. |
Marco | I plan on it. |
Star | So, where are y'alls knights at? |
Higgs | Oh, they're over there. [points] That's Lady Whosits, Baby Man's knight. |
She punches down a large piece of wood while laughing. | |
Higgs | And Old Man's knight, Sir Dashing of Muzzleton. |
Sir Dashing | [winks] |
Star | [gapes] |
Sir Dashing | Call me. |
Higgs | And this is my knight, Sir Stabby. |
The knight appears to be a dragon, but then Sir Stabby wrenches himself out of the dragon's mouth. | |
Sir Stabby | Higgs, I am in need of a wet wipe. |
Star | Oh, cool. |
Higgs | Duty calls. See you at the starting line. [quietly] Nerd. |
Star | Okay. |
Marco | Did-did she just call me a nerd? |
Star | [laughs] No. It's a.. endearing nerd or something. You know. I don't know. Come on, let's get a cart. |
They run over to a bunch of shopping carts, each with the front end of a horse mounted on the cart. Each of the other knights is poised on similar carts. | |
Marco | My lady, choose your steed. |
Marco gestures to one. | |
Star | No. |
They look at the next one. It's exactly the same | |
Star | No. |
They look at another, identical cart. | |
Star | Oh, in your dreams. |
They come across a very girly horse that's pink with a blue man, decorated with a bow, hearts, and stars. | |
Star | [gasps, jumps on it] Giddy up, horsey! Whee! All right, here we go, boy! Hi-ho, rainbow! |
The intercom comes on. | |
Sloth | [clears throat] Attention Quest Buy shoppers, the 10,000th annual Squire Blowout is starting in... [pushes buzzer] now minutes. |
Marco | Wait, what? |
Star | Go! |
The other knights rush off on their carts. | |
Star | Go, go, go! Marco, giddy up! |
Marco steps behind the cart to push. | |
Marco | Whoa. |
Marco | Whee! |
As Marco pushes, the cart starts shaking uncontrollably. | |
Star | Marco, I think something's wrong with the wheels! |
Sure enough, the front wheels fall of the cart. | |
Marco | Whoa! Ah. |
The cart spins to a stop while the other knights laugh. | |
Old Man | Eat my bolt, losers! |
Higgs | Ha ha! Thanks for the head start! |
Marco | What? That old guy sabotaged our cart. [gasps] They're gonna get all the good items before us! |
Star | Ugh, Marco, it's all good. We'll get the good stuff. Let's just try to have fun. |
Star repairs the cart with her wand, giving it two hamster balls for wheels. | |
Star | See, fun! Now, let's go! I am buying everything! Whoo-hoo! Okay, what is item number one? |
Marco | Item number one is, uh, a chest plate. We need a chest plate. It's on aisle 8.9. |
Star | 8.9, got it. Yee-haw! |
They arrive at the chest plates aisle. | |
Higgs | Got mine! |
Old Man | [grunts] I got mine. |
Baby Man | I goo-goo got mine. |
Marco | Hey, there's one left. |
Baby Man | Almost forgot. |
He picks up the last shield and smashes his face into it, causing it to deform. | |
Baby Man | Have fun wearing my face. Ha ha! |
Marco | [agape] That Baby-Man ruined the last chest plate. I knew those squires were up to something. They don't want me to have the good stuff. |
Star | Marco, I don't– |
Marco | [possessed] Yes, I see it now. |
Star | I think you're making them out– |
Marco | [yelling] I've got it! We'll outsmart them. We'll just go out of order. [evil laugh] That way we can get ahead. |
Star | Marco, chill. I don't even wear chest plates. |
Marco | I just wanna salvage my plan, that's all. A great squire is an organized squire. |
They wheel their card to a different aisle where they find the starter horses. | |
Marco | Yes! We've beat the other squires to it. |
Star | [gasps] I want that one! |
She points to a horse, which nods in agreement. | |
Marco | Oh, uh. Actually, Star, I-uh did the research on these guys, and it came down to these two. [picks them up] They each ranked highest in their class on safety, growth rate, and knight horse power. This one comes with an airbag. So either of these should be good. |
Star | [disappointed] Oh, okay. Well, I guess the airbag one. |
Marco | Good choice. |
The horse lets out a squeal as Marco squeezes it. | |
Marco | Okay, since we're right near the dragon repellant, I think we should– |
Marco notices that the horse they just picked out has been lured away by a carrot on a fishing line. It's now in Higgs' cart. | |
Marco | Hey, that's our starter horse! |
Higgs | What? I didn't take your horse. |
Marco | I just saw you take it. Now give it back. |
Sir Stabby | Higgs, did you take their starter horse? |
Higgs | No, siree. Mmm-mmm. |
Sir Stabby | Are you calling my squire a liar? |
Marco | Uh, yes? |
Sir Stabby | If you're calling my squire a liar... [pulls out sword] |
Marco | Oh, whoa! |
Sir Stabby | ...then you're calling me a liar! |
Star | [intervening] Ugh, whatever, stabby dude. Take the horse; we don't need it. |
Sir Stabby | Very well. |
Higgs squeaks the horse and sticks out her tongue while pushing her cart away. | |
Marco | Can you believe her? |
Star | It's all right, Marco. I'll just pick out another... one. |
Turns out, Baby Man has taken all the remaining horses for Lady Whosits | |
Baby Man | Ha ha! Peace! |
Marco | [aggravated] Are you serious? |
Star | It's okay, Marco. Listen, let's just get back to your list. Look, look, look, look, look. There's the dragon repellant. We need that, right? |
Marco | [sighs] Yeah. [grabs a canister, sprays it, sniffs] Ugh, yep, that's the stuff. |
Higgs | Yoo-hoo! |
Higgs lifts up a fake "repellant" sign revealing the true "Dragon Attractant" sign in its place. In the distance, dragons begin to snort. | |
Marco | Oh, no. |
The dragons strike. The sloth manager makes an announcement over the intercom. | |
Sloth | Apparently, we've got dragons on aisle 14.2... again. |
Back at aisle 14.2 | |
Sloth | [poking dragons with mop] Shoo. Shoo. [sighs] This is not my department. |
Marco | [coughs, to dragon] Uh, please get off. |
The dragon sitting on Marco snorts in his face, and Marco coughs some more. | |
Higgs | Aww, whoopsie. Did you mean to get this one? Easy mistake. They look so similar. |
Marco groans. Higgs begins to walk away, but Marco sticks out his hand to block her path. | |
Marco | You wanna tell me why you're being such a jerk? |
Higgs | Listen, wannabe, you think it's easy being a squire? All of my waking hours I'm weaving chain mail, sharpening swords. I'm always at my knight's beck and call. I've even learned how to polish armor in my sleep. But what did you do to earn this job? Oh, nothing. It was handed to you because you're the princess' boyfriend. |
Marco | What? I'm not her boyfriend. |
Higgs | Interesting. Guess it was handed to you out of pity, then, huh? |
Marco | [growls] Star! |
Star | Marco! |
Marco | I'm here, Star. Under the dragon butt. |
Star | Oh. Scram, lizard. Skit-Scat-Skidaddle! Well, I think that's enough fun for one squire. What say we call it a day, Marco? The sale's almost over, anyway. |
Marco | No! There's still one thing left on my list Star: Armor wax. There's just one bottle left. I called ahead to check. We have to get it before those other squires. |
Star | Uh, Marco, no offense, but you're looking kinda sweaty. Like sweatier than usual. Hey, maybe let's just, you know– |
Marco | [shouting] Mount the cart! |
Star | Okay! |
The two take off in a mad dash, running past the other knights and squires. | |
Higgs | [gasps] Don't let them get that! |
Baby Man + Lady Whosits | [laugh] |
All of them chase after the item. Higgs and Marco end up side by side, and Higgs intentional bumps into Marco's cart. | |
Star | Aah! Marco! |
Marco | Aah! Oh, that's it! |
Marco kicks out his foot to trip Higgs. | |
Higgs | Aah! |
She falls face first onto the ground, with Sir Stabby's cart swerving into a stack of pillows. Marco successfully reaches the Wax, letting it fall into his hand. | |
Marco | Ha-ha ha ha! Yes! |
Higgs | [moans] |
Star | Marco! |
Marco | What? |
Star points at Higgs. She has two black eyes. | |
Higgs | [groaning] |
Marco | Oh, I didn't trip her that hard. |
Star grabs the wax from his hand. | |
Marco | What? She's faking it. |
Star | [sighs, hands the wax to Higgs] Here. |
Higgs | [snatching it] Ha, ha-ha! Thanks for the wax, losers! Let's check out. |
Star | Dude, you have got to chill. |
Marco | What? Why? I'm just trying to get you the best stuff. |
Marco crawls into an alcove created by a stack of boxes. Star leans over to look at him. | |
Marco | I'm sorry. I just really wanted to show everyone that I was truly worthy of being your squire. But maybe I'm not cut out for this. Why did you appoint me as your squire in the first place? I'm terrible at it. I didn't get you any gear, and you're gonna look like a joke in front of all the other knights. |
Star drag him out using a wand spell. | |
Star | Okay, first of all, I am a princess. So I'm gonna look great no matter what. Second, I knew how excited you were about coming back to Mewni so I bent the rules a little. I'm a princess, not a knight. I don't need the stuff actual knights need. I've got, like, a magic wand. The whole point of making you my squire was so we could hang out again and just do silly stuff. |
The intercom turns on. | |
Sloth | Attention, Quest Buy shoppers, only one minute remains in this year's Squire Blowout sale. |
Marco | All right, come on. |
Star | Huh? But wait, wait, wait. Marco, I just told you I don't need the– |
Marco | I know, I know. [grabs the cart] Come on. |
Scene changes to the checkout area. All of the squires are showing their purchases to their knights. | |
Higgs | Got you this really shiny shield. |
Sir Stabby | Not shiny enough. |
Star and Marco come running in with a cart full of miscellaneous items. Star is in the palm tree costume that she always wanted. | |
Star | [gasps] It's beautiful! Hey, Marco, [grabs umbrella] I challenge you to a duel... a duel of silliness! |
Marco | I [pulls out a salami] accept your challenge! |
The two start play-fighting with their items. | |
Higgs | Hey, what do they think they're doing? That's not knight gear; that's just silly, random, fun stuff. Ugh. |
Sir Stabby | Clever squire. Salami. I'd never see that coming. |
Higgs | [angrily growls] |
Sloth | [to Star] Uh, did you really mean to grab two of these defective happy gnomes? |
Star + Marco together | Yes, yes, we did. [laughs] |
(end song) |
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Trial by Squire/Transcript
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