Scene opens at Quest Buy. Star Butterfly and Marco Diaz are camping out on the floor.
Sloth Attention, Quest Buy shoppers, Quest Buy is proud to host Quest Buy's 10,000th annual Squire Blowout, or whatever.
Star Marco, this is gonna be so much fun! Just a squire and his knight shopping, pop-[twists neck]-locking, shop-locking. You know, you feel me, bro.
Marco I know that looked like it hurt.
Star Oh, it did, [giggles] but [rolls into tent] I'll feel better as soon as we find [rolls out, shows Marco a picture of a palm tree costume] this little beauty from the Quest Buy catalog. I've always wanted one!
Marco Sorry, Star, but that's not on [dramatically pulls out a stack of paper] the list. Boooooooooooooooom!
Baby Man Wow, that's so organized.
Old Man Yeah look, it's got coupons attached to it. I like the coupon.
Marco [laughs] Hey, guys. [waves]
Higgs Oh, hey, man. I dig your list.
Marco Thanks. It's every sale item of the Squire Blowout grouped together by aisle and availability. I called ahead to check the inventory on each item.
Higgs That's cool. A great squire is an organized squire. That's what I always say.
Marco [happily] a... great... squire!
Higgs I'm Higgs. That's Baby Man.
Baby Man Hey!
Higgs And the old guy is Old Guy.
Old Guy I'm old!
Marco I'm M–
Star He's Marco. This is his first blowout.
Higgs Really? Huh. I would've thought you a veteran with that fancy list of yours.
Marco Nope. I don't know anything at all.
Higgs Heh, nice. Well, [extends hand] welcome to the community, Marco.
Marco [shakes it] I'm honored.
Higgs I'm honored. Oh, uh, just a little squire to squire advice, equipping your knight and making them look good is gonna be your most important task. So you wanna get to the good stuff fast. The shelves clear out quickly.
Marco I plan on it.
Star So, where are y'alls knights at?
Higgs Oh, they're over there. [points] That's Lady Whosits, Baby Man's knight.
She punches down a large piece of wood while laughing.
Higgs And Old Man's knight, Sir Dashing of Muzzleton.
Sir Dashing [winks]
Star [gapes]
Sir Dashing Call me.
Higgs And this is my knight, Sir Stabby.
The knight appears to be a dragon, but then Sir Stabby wrenches himself out of the dragon's mouth.
Sir Stabby Higgs, I am in need of a wet wipe.
Star Oh, cool.
Higgs Duty calls. See you at the starting line. [quietly] Nerd.
Star Okay.
Marco Did-did she just call me a nerd?
Star [laughs] No. It's a.. endearing nerd or something. You know. I don't know. Come on, let's get a cart.
They run over to a bunch of shopping carts, each with the front end of a horse mounted on the cart. Each of the other knights is poised on similar carts.
Marco My lady, choose your steed.
Marco gestures to one.
Star No.
They look at the next one. It's exactly the same
Star No.
They look at another, identical cart.
Star Oh, in your dreams.
They come across a very girly horse that's pink with a blue man, decorated with a bow, hearts, and stars.
Star [gasps, jumps on it] Giddy up, horsey! Whee! All right, here we go, boy! Hi-ho, rainbow!
The intercom comes on.
Sloth [clears throat] Attention Quest Buy shoppers, the 10,000th annual Squire Blowout is starting in... [pushes buzzer] now minutes.
Marco Wait, what?
Star Go!
The other knights rush off on their carts.
Star Go, go, go! Marco, giddy up!
Marco steps behind the cart to push.
Marco Whoa.
Marco Whee!
As Marco pushes, the cart starts shaking uncontrollably.
Star Marco, I think something's wrong with the wheels!
Sure enough, the front wheels fall of the cart.
Marco Whoa! Ah.
The cart spins to a stop while the other knights laugh.
Old Man Eat my bolt, losers!
Higgs Ha ha! Thanks for the head start!
Marco What? That old guy sabotaged our cart. [gasps] They're gonna get all the good items before us!
Star Ugh, Marco, it's all good. We'll get the good stuff. Let's just try to have fun.
Star repairs the cart with her wand, giving it two hamster balls for wheels.
Star See, fun! Now, let's go! I am buying everything! Whoo-hoo! Okay, what is item number one?
Marco Item number one is, uh, a chest plate. We need a chest plate. It's on aisle 8.9.
Star 8.9, got it. Yee-haw!
They arrive at the chest plates aisle.
Higgs Got mine!
Old Man [grunts] I got mine.
Baby Man I goo-goo got mine.
Marco Hey, there's one left.
Baby Man Almost forgot.
He picks up the last shield and smashes his face into it, causing it to deform.
Baby Man Have fun wearing my face. Ha ha!
Marco [agape] That Baby-Man ruined the last chest plate. I knew those squires were up to something. They don't want me to have the good stuff.
Star Marco, I don't–
Marco [possessed] Yes, I see it now.
Star I think you're making them out–
Marco [yelling] I've got it! We'll outsmart them. We'll just go out of order. [evil laugh] That way we can get ahead.
Star Marco, chill. I don't even wear chest plates.
Marco I just wanna salvage my plan, that's all. A great squire is an organized squire.
They wheel their card to a different aisle where they find the starter horses.
Marco Yes! We've beat the other squires to it.
Star [gasps] I want that one!
She points to a horse, which nods in agreement.
Marco Oh, uh. Actually, Star, I-uh did the research on these guys, and it came down to these two. [picks them up] They each ranked highest in their class on safety, growth rate, and knight horse power. This one comes with an airbag. So either of these should be good.
Star [disappointed] Oh, okay. Well, I guess the airbag one.
Marco Good choice.
The horse lets out a squeal as Marco squeezes it.
Marco Okay, since we're right near the dragon repellant, I think we should–
Marco notices that the horse they just picked out has been lured away by a carrot on a fishing line. It's now in Higgs' cart.
Marco Hey, that's our starter horse!
Higgs What? I didn't take your horse.
Marco I just saw you take it. Now give it back.
Sir Stabby Higgs, did you take their starter horse?
Higgs No, siree. Mmm-mmm.
Sir Stabby Are you calling my squire a liar?
Marco Uh, yes?
Sir Stabby If you're calling my squire a liar... [pulls out sword]
Marco Oh, whoa!
Sir Stabby ...then you're calling me a liar!
Star [intervening] Ugh, whatever, stabby dude. Take the horse; we don't need it.
Sir Stabby Very well.
Higgs squeaks the horse and sticks out her tongue while pushing her cart away.
Marco Can you believe her?
Star It's all right, Marco. I'll just pick out another... one.
Turns out, Baby Man has taken all the remaining horses for Lady Whosits
Baby Man Ha ha! Peace!
Marco [aggravated] Are you serious?
Star It's okay, Marco. Listen, let's just get back to your list. Look, look, look, look, look. There's the dragon repellant. We need that, right?
Marco [sighs] Yeah. [grabs a canister, sprays it, sniffs] Ugh, yep, that's the stuff.
Higgs Yoo-hoo!
Higgs lifts up a fake "repellant" sign revealing the true "Dragon Attractant" sign in its place. In the distance, dragons begin to snort.
Marco Oh, no.
The dragons strike. The sloth manager makes an announcement over the intercom.
Sloth Apparently, we've got dragons on aisle 14.2... again.
Back at aisle 14.2
Sloth [poking dragons with mop] Shoo. Shoo. [sighs] This is not my department.
Marco [coughs, to dragon] Uh, please get off.
The dragon sitting on Marco snorts in his face, and Marco coughs some more.
Higgs Aww, whoopsie. Did you mean to get this one? Easy mistake. They look so similar.
Marco groans. Higgs begins to walk away, but Marco sticks out his hand to block her path.
Marco You wanna tell me why you're being such a jerk?
Higgs Listen, wannabe, you think it's easy being a squire? All of my waking hours I'm weaving chain mail, sharpening swords. I'm always at my knight's beck and call. I've even learned how to polish armor in my sleep. But what did you do to earn this job? Oh, nothing. It was handed to you because you're the princess' boyfriend.
Marco What? I'm not her boyfriend.
Higgs Interesting. Guess it was handed to you out of pity, then, huh?
Marco [growls] Star!
Star Marco!
Marco I'm here, Star. Under the dragon butt.
Star Oh. Scram, lizard. Skit-Scat-Skidaddle! Well, I think that's enough fun for one squire. What say we call it a day, Marco? The sale's almost over, anyway.
Marco No! There's still one thing left on my list Star: Armor wax. There's just one bottle left. I called ahead to check. We have to get it before those other squires.
Star Uh, Marco, no offense, but you're looking kinda sweaty. Like sweatier than usual. Hey, maybe let's just, you know–
Marco [shouting] Mount the cart!
Star Okay!
The two take off in a mad dash, running past the other knights and squires.
Higgs [gasps] Don't let them get that!
Baby Man + Lady Whosits [laugh]
All of them chase after the item. Higgs and Marco end up side by side, and Higgs intentional bumps into Marco's cart.
Star Aah! Marco!
Marco Aah! Oh, that's it!
Marco kicks out his foot to trip Higgs.
Higgs Aah!
She falls face first onto the ground, with Sir Stabby's cart swerving into a stack of pillows. Marco successfully reaches the Wax, letting it fall into his hand.
Marco Ha-ha ha ha! Yes!
Higgs [moans]
Star Marco!
Marco What?
Star points at Higgs. She has two black eyes.
Higgs [groaning]
Marco Oh, I didn't trip her that hard.
Star grabs the wax from his hand.
Marco What? She's faking it.
Star [sighs, hands the wax to Higgs] Here.
Higgs [snatching it] Ha, ha-ha! Thanks for the wax, losers! Let's check out.
Star Dude, you have got to chill.
Marco What? Why? I'm just trying to get you the best stuff.
Marco crawls into an alcove created by a stack of boxes. Star leans over to look at him.
Marco I'm sorry. I just really wanted to show everyone that I was truly worthy of being your squire. But maybe I'm not cut out for this. Why did you appoint me as your squire in the first place? I'm terrible at it. I didn't get you any gear, and you're gonna look like a joke in front of all the other knights.
Star drag him out using a wand spell.
Star Okay, first of all, I am a princess. So I'm gonna look great no matter what. Second, I knew how excited you were about coming back to Mewni so I bent the rules a little. I'm a princess, not a knight. I don't need the stuff actual knights need. I've got, like, a magic wand. The whole point of making you my squire was so we could hang out again and just do silly stuff.
The intercom turns on.
Sloth Attention, Quest Buy shoppers, only one minute remains in this year's Squire Blowout sale.
Marco All right, come on.
Star Huh? But wait, wait, wait. Marco, I just told you I don't need the–
Marco I know, I know. [grabs the cart] Come on.
Scene changes to the checkout area. All of the squires are showing their purchases to their knights.
Higgs Got you this really shiny shield.
Sir Stabby Not shiny enough.
Star and Marco come running in with a cart full of miscellaneous items. Star is in the palm tree costume that she always wanted.
Star [gasps] It's beautiful! Hey, Marco, [grabs umbrella] I challenge you to a duel... a duel of silliness!
Marco I [pulls out a salami] accept your challenge!
The two start play-fighting with their items.
Higgs Hey, what do they think they're doing? That's not knight gear; that's just silly, random, fun stuff. Ugh.
Sir Stabby Clever squire. Salami. I'd never see that coming.
Higgs [angrily growls]
Sloth [to Star] Uh, did you really mean to grab two of these defective happy gnomes?
Star + Marco together Yes, yes, we did. [laughs]
(end song)
ved Star vs. the Forces of Evil Episode Transcripts
Season 1
Star Comes to EarthParty With a PonyMatch MakerSchool SpiritMonster ArmThe Other Exchange StudentCheer Up, StarQuest BuyDiaz Family VacationBrittney's PartyMewbertyPixtopiaLobster ClawsSleep SpellsBlood Moon BallFortune CookiesFreeze DayRoyal PainSt. Olga's Reform School for Wayward PrincessesMewnipendance DayThe Banagic IncidentInterdimensional Field TripMarco Grows a BeardStorm the Castle
Season 2
My New Wand!Ludo in the WildMr. Candle CaresRed BeltStar on WheelsFetchStar vs. Echo CreekWand to WandStarstruckCamping TripStarsittingOn the JobGoblin DogsBy the BookGame of FlagsGirls' Day OutSleepoverGift of the CardFriendenemiesIs MysteryHungry LarrySpider With a Top HatInto the WandPizza ThingPage TurnerNaysayaBon Bon the Birthday ClownRaid the CaveTrickstarBabyRunning with ScissorsMathmagicThe Bounce LoungeCrystal ClearThe Hard WayHeinousAll Belts are OffCollateral DamageJust FriendsFace the MusicStarcrushed
Season 3
Return to MewniMoon the UndauntedBook Be GoneMarco and the KingPuddle DefenderKing LudoToffeeScent of a HoodieRest in PuddingClub SnubbedStranger DangerDemoncismSophomore SlumpLint CatcherTrial by SquirePrincess TurdinaStarfariSweet DreamsLava Lake BeachDeath PeckPonymoniumNight LifeDeep DiveMonster BashStump DayHoliday SpellcialThe Bogbeast of BoggabahTotal Eclipsa the MoonButterfly TrapLudo, Where Art Thou?Is Another MysteryMarco Jr.Skooled!Booth BuddiesBam Ui Pati!Tough LoveDivideConquer
Season 4
Butterfly FolliesEscape from the Pie FolkMoon RemembersSwim SuitRansomgramLake House FeverYada Yada BerriesDown by the RiverThe Ponyhead Show!Surviving the SpiderbitesOut of BusinessKelly's WorldCurse of the Blood MoonPrincess Quasar Caterpillar and the Magic BellGhost of Butterfly CastleCornball!Meteora's LessonThe Knight ShiftQueen-NappedJunkin' JannaA Spell with No NameA Boy and His DC-700XEThe Monster and the QueenCornonationDoop-DoopBritta's TacosBeach DayGone Baby GoneSad Teen HotlineJannanigansMama StarReady, Aim, FireThe Right WayHere to HelpPizza PartyThe Tavern at the End of the MultiverseCleaved
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